All These Things That I've Done
by thewoofles
Summary: In which an epic bromance becomes an epic romance. The story of Anders and Issac Bro! Hawke. The story is from Anders' perspective, his thoughts and feelings. It also deals with his past in the beginning somewhat.
1. Chapter 1

I watched breathlessly as Issac removed his axe from the prone figure, small in death. I think an apology, wondering if it can find him beyond the expanses of death. I am sorry it had to happen this way. I wish you could have understood, I thought someday you could have. Your death was unnecessary. I have set the wheels in motion, I am sorry you had to be crushed beneath. I close my eyes hard, willing the words to reach him, knowing that it is in vain. Issac stood motionless except for his heavy breaths, his chest heaving.

"Please Issac," I whisper, bringing my quivering hand to his shoulder, "Let me heal..." He does not let the rest of the words escape my lips as he harshly pushes my hand from him. He turns and I see the full extent of his injuries. One eye is purple, bruised, swollen with only a slit of vision possible. Blood poured from numerous gashes on his face, and a thick trickle of blood crept from his nose down past a split lip.

"I want to feel it..." He said monotone, his good eye staring at me with such pain and hurt that my soul ached. He had taken my words, 'I would drown us both in blood to keep you safe' and has claimed the sentiment, protecting me, drowning us both in blood. I can only look at him, the warmness gone from his face, joy gone from his eyes. He is covered in blood, only some of it is his own. It is a cold and terrible feeling when I realize the gravity of my actions. I had known I was a monster, I had known I would hurt him, but I did not fully comprehend how until this very moment.

…..

From the moment he entered my life, I knew Issac Hawke would impact me deeply. He entered my clinic, boldly with a ridiculous swagger, made even more ridiculous by the fact that he was shirtless. A woman and a dwarf followed behind, not even batting an eye to his odd display of either foolishness or misplaced bravado. Perhaps it was both. Weak as I was from my recent exertion healing a refugee boy, I still had to protect myself, my clinic.

Grabbing my staff I accosted him, "I have made this place a sanctum for healing and salvation, why do you threaten it?" I gauged his reaction, a little taken aback at first, then a smile, a smile with such genuine warmth it could thaw the Frostback Mountains.

"We just want to talk." He said calmly. His dwarven companion went on to inform me that they were interested in finding a way into the Deep Roads, and he had heard that I was a Warden. A sudden jolt of panic hit. Were they from the Grey Wardens?

"Did they Grey Wardens send you...I'm not going back, those bastards made me get rid of my cat, poor Ser-Pounce-a-lot, he hated the Deep Roads." My anger and panic fading as they looked more confused at the mention of my cat.

The longer we conversed , the more I found out about my strange visitors. I was introduced, names now to match these new faces. Varric, Bethany, and the shirtless grinning warrior Issac. Issac bombarded me with questions about my cat and the Wardens. I answered with an amount of humor I had been lacking of late. There was something about this man that put me already at ease, it was a feeling I had become unfamiliar with.

I did tell them of the map I had swiped from a Warden passing through. I did not want to return to the Deep Roads, I did not even want to think of the place again, but an idea manifested suddenly, a trade, a favor for a favor. I had promised to help a friend, a friend who at one time was much more, but that was besides the point. He needed me and I was but one man. I could have this warrior's muscle behind me in case the Templars showed up. As soon as I presented the idea a part of me rebelled.

** We are being careless**.

I know I am being careless, but I need the help.

"Sounds like a fair trade." He promptly answers me without hesitation.

"You don't even ask my terms? What if I asked for the Knight-Commander's head on a spike?" He looked at me quizzically, trying to make sense of my response.

"Is that what you ask?" He was genuine, if the situation were less serious I would be amused.

"You decide." I replied. He looked more lost than ever, I decided I might as well ease his confusion. I told them of Karl and my plans to free him...

Karl...


	2. Chapter 2

The wind blew an errant strand of hair into my face. A minor annoyance considering my plans. I had tried so many times to escape, but the Templars always found me, drug me back, even...no I don't want to think about what they did to me, not in my last moments. I could escape now, escape forever. I stepped out unto the ledge. My robes billowed around me as I felt the cold air from Lake Calenhad. I close my eyes, all I would need to do is just leap. Slowly one foot left the ledge and felt the seductive force of gravity. It would be over soon, no more pain, the promise of release, freedom at last. I moved my other foot when suddenly I felt a harsh jerk back into the empty classroom of the Circle Tower.

"Karl?" I whispered tears already forming, shame creeping in. No one was supposed to see, allowed to know. I did not let anyone see past my mask of false happiness.

"Anders!" He drew me close to his chest. "Please Anders never do that again...why oh Maker why would you even..." His eyes were wide, filled with concern and fear.

"Why? Because I'm am tired of being a slave to them. I am tired of being constantly watched, being abused. They do not care about me, no one cares about me." I recalled my own father the day he found out I had been cursed with magic, all the years of love and affection thrown away in one instant.

"Anders...I care...I care about you a lot." He sighed and brought his hand to cup my face. I stared blankly, I was unaware of the older man's feelings for me. Karl placed gentle lips to my forehead repeating "I care" as if it were a mantra. I fell into him, arms holding tight as if I never wanted to let him go. Perhaps with Karl I could forget some of the pain.

…..

"I believe some of them are starting to notice Anders." Karl whispered as he leaned in to brush the hair from my face.

"So?" I was not in the right state of mind to comprehend his meaning. I only could think on the warm tingle fading from my body and sweat and seed cooling upon my skin. I leaned in to kiss him, but he pulled away.

"Anders please, I just think we need to be more discreet is all. I know that some might not approve of our relationship." His eyes met mine. Truly this was of great concern to him, concern enough to ruin post coital cuddling.

"Karl I don't care about your age, and I don't care what others think." I responded sweetly trying to soothe his worry.

"I know you don't care, but please for me Anders." He touched my face gently, of course I couldn't say no.

…..

"Anders we can't keep on like his." Karl's face was raked in anguish. "I never meant to hurt you I still care for you so very much." His voice was weighed down with sadness. I stood in disbelief. I felt as if I had been punched hard in the gut...I felt like I couldn't breathe my airways choked with sobs.

"Karl, but I... I think I love.." He cut me off immediately.

"Mages cannot fall in love Anders...Just accept that we had our time together and now its over. Know I will always care for you Anders. Please never forget that." I think tears began to well up in his eyes, but I didn't care. Maker I didn't care.

"You used me then you bastard!"

"Its not like that Anders..."

"What is it then, you find a boy younger, was he vulnerable and you just happened to be available for comfort? You are just an old lecher." I spat not caring that in my heart I knew the accusations were untrue. He needed to feel pain, he needed to feel what he was making me feel. His only response was to hang his head in shame. I turned away, he would feel the pain he had inflicted on me, I made that promise to myself.

….

I knew he would be there right on time, Karl always made his tea in the kitchen before bed. I returned to my task. I didn't want him to know I was watching, waiting for him. The girl writhed beneath me, breathing heavily, moaning my name. She was known to be easy. A few weeks of careful flirting and affections, and my proposition was readily accepted. She was bent over a table, robe pulled up. I had freed myself from my robe and steadily thrust into her. Sweat rolled down my face as my speed quickened, and thrusts deepened. I wanted to be lost in the physical pleasure of it. This was rutting, animalistic, not delicate or intimate. She screamed my name as she came, her channel tightening sent me over the edge. With one more thrust I spilled into her with a moan on my lips.

With bated breath I turned to see Karl with a look of utter shock. The girl also noticed we had an audience, and nervously pulled her robes back down.

"Leave." Karl said emotionless to her. With flushed cheeks she hurried away. I felt a victory as he eyed me. I could now see the hurt etched into his face. "If you meant to hurt me Anders, you succeeded." He turned and left me alone with an unwelcomed feeling of shame beginning to well up inside.

…..

"What are you saying Jowan? How did you even know about Karl and I?"

"Several of us heard it, Irving was throwing a fit over it Anders. He demanded that Karl end it. I mean we all talked, I didn't really know it was true, all I know is that way he always looked at you...It got us all talking...speculating you know... I didn't mean for Irving to know. I don't think any of us wanted that to happen." He gave me an apologetic look.

"I need to speak with Karl. I think I have done something horrible." No, I knew I had done something horrible. I felt sick, bile rose from my gut. I had to find him, apologize, beg for him to forgive me. I stumbled through the tower, making my way to his room. Nervously I opened the door. Karl looked up from his scrolls in surprise.

"Anders?"

"Karl, please I didn't know, I didn't..." words failed me, and I just stood disheveled gazing at him.

"Anders...its ok." He said gently

"I only wanted to hurt you, it was foolish of me. Karl," tears started to well in my eyes. "I am so sorry."

"Anders its ok, its ok. I will always cherish what we had together, I will not let what you did mar my memory of it. I understand you were hurt, I didn't tell you the truth. I am sorry as well." I started to step towards him, I wanted to be close to him, to whisper apology after apology softly into his ear, but he held out a hand. "It does not change the fact that this is over. I will always care about you Anders."

I made myself a new promise. I would never feel deeply for anyone again. Losing him was worse than any pain the Templars could cause me.


	3. Chapter 3

I was just coming to the realization of everything. Karl was dead, dead at my hand, by my mercy. My new companions demanded explanations, especially Issac. It seemed my...condition... had frightened his sister. My head was swimming. Those Templar bastards had made Karl tranquil, emotionless, nothing but a shell of the man I had once cared so much for...almost... no that was a long time ago. We had both come to terms with it in the years that followed, even had a genuine friendship before I left the tower that last time. As painful as it was, he had taught me a valuable lesson, a mage cannot fall in love. I had many lovers since then, some I even cared for a great deal, but nothing beyond that, why should I open myself to that again, invite such pain.

**As well as distraction**

And that, the new part of myself, echoing in my mind, taking over when anger and rage becomes to much, believes indulgences of the flesh distract us from our cause. I am still lost in thought as Issac once again demanded my transformation explained. Shaken to the present I tell him of Justice, and how we came to be together...one.

"So you have a spirit of justice living in your head?" He looked very confused, I can't blame him for that. At least his face has no more traces of anger. He appears to be genuinely attempting to understand my situation, and I am relieved. I do my best to explain, even delving into the painful understanding that I had changed Justice into something corrupted by my anger. Surprisingly he and his sister Bethany express the belief that I had tried to do a good thing, a noble thing in trying to help a friend. When she smiles, he smiles, all hostility towards me forgotten.

Overwhelmed with relief, I offer them the maps, as well as my services. They had seen my passenger, my vengeance, and had tried to understand. I know they did not grasp the gravity of it, but Maker, I didn't care. To open up that way to anyone, to share what I had tried to keep hidden away...it had been the most intimate thing I had shared with anyone for a very long while.

…..

He is at my clinic again, requesting my services in one of the many jobs he had taken upon himself to gather the coin for the expedition.

**We cannot afford such distractions from our work**

He could be a powerful ally to have, he guards his sister with such conviction, she is an apostate; he already has views allied to our own.

I feel like a madman, arguing with myself like that...yes it is myself isn't it...we are one after all. I feel those thoughts as my own. I can only feel the degree of separation when we strongly disagree, or when I lose control of my emotions. Maker what am I anymore...

"So will you help me out Anders? I'd gladly split any coin we make, and It looks like you could use some." Issac picked up some ragged strips of cloth I had been using as makeshift bandages. He was right, with some coin I could better fund the clinic.

"I suppose I can spare some time to help." I agreed.

"Great, thanks friend." He grinned as he slapped my back. The warrior was apparently not aware of his own strength...it actually hurt. My shock of pain was short lived and replaced by something else entirely. 'Friend' and a hearty slap on the back? What kind of man is free and so quick with such affections? Issac Hawke was not an ordinary man, this I could already tell.

"Issac, can we talk about what happened in the Chantry... I did get a bit weighty the last time we spoke. Sorry I put that on you." I know I didn't need to apologize, yet something in me started to hunger for the man's trust, his approval.

"Hey no problem Anders." he replied, then his face went somber. "I am sorry (about?) what happened to your friend." His eyes, he had known it too, the loss of someone close, someone dear. The fact a hulking warrior who possessed such an absurd attitude of bravado, and such precise brutality against his enemies, could share his empathy was surprising and...alluring.

"Issac..about Karl..." How would I know if I never threw it out there...No this is foolish. I can already feel the disapproval welling up.

"You slept with him." He said matter of factly, catching me unaware. My eyes went wide as I spoke.

"How...did...you?" He cut me of with a small wave of his hand.

"I don't know, its a gift I supposes. I can always tell. Its not a big deal. I know what happened must have hurt, no one should have to go through that Anders." He was serious, yet with such kindness in his eyes.

"Does it bother you that I've been with men?" Oh why, why did I ask that.

**What good does this do us.**

"Oh...I have never considered it before." Issac put his hand to his chin contemplating. This couldn't seriously be the first time he has thought on such, was it?

"Well perhaps I'll give you time to consider it then, in as much detail as you fancy." I flashed him a nervous smile. Oh Maker the silence, the awkward silence. He didn't look angry, it was as if his mind hadn't left the first question. After Karl, I can't believe I said that to him... Yes, well better to change the subject, and hope he hadn't paid attention to my words. I felt so foolish. That part of me, the smooth talker whose quick wit and charm had led several women and men to his bed, that part was over.

**There are things far more important that the pursuits of the flesh.**

Yes, freedom, liberty, the right to just exist as a normal man.

I felt like I owed Issac some sort of explanation for Karl. "In the tower its all about rules and the Templars, the apprentices, we found a way to make things bearable. Karl...he was my first." The growling inside became louder. " Its the bloody Templars fault. If you are born with magic they hear about it. They search your little rat-spit village and find you. and tell your parents that they will be thrown in prison if they ever ask about you, stripped of their rights in the eyes of the Maker. And if you run away, they hunt you down, again and again and again." I lose my grip for a second, just a second and regain control. I shudder, how easy it has become to lose control.

"You were glowing." Issac points out. "Maybe we should talk of something else." He suggests, and I am grateful at his lack of harsh judgment.

"Yes, since your head is the only one here and I don't want to rip it off I should stop. Sorry."


	4. Chapter 4

Issac had attracted quite the following of interesting characters in the following months. The captain of the guard he had come to Kirkwall with, an insufferable mage hating elf, a ridiculously naive elven bloodmage, and a sultry pirate I was sure I knew from somewhere, they all followed him. He had helped them all gladly. He had especially helped the pirate gladly, I noticed. Jealousy is an ugly thing, and not worth my time. This I struggled to convince myself. Besides he brought me along on even his most mundane of tasks, he even asked me to assist his sister in honing her healing abilities. It was quite the help to have extra hand in the clinic.

…..

"Issac is something wrong?" He had looked jumpy and nervous, not his usual self at all.

"I came here to talk to you Anders, I feel like I can trust you. Besides Varric and Bethany you have been my best friend in Kirkwall." At this my heart skipped a beat, one of his best friends. "I feel like Varric would make fun of me, and Bethany...this isn't the kind of thing I'd want to ask my sister."

"Oh." A feeling of nervous anticipation filled my gut. "Well what do you need to ask me, is it something medical?" I hoped it was not. I knew what I wanted it to be.

"Anders, I think I like someone." His eyes shyed from meeting mine.

"Ok, well um...who is it." I choked out. Its not what I want it to be, or is it? Maker this is foolish, so foolish.

"Its Isabella." His cheeks became flush when he even spoke the name. Of course it was her. The busty tease had been all over him ever since their first meeting. I am not disappointed, I am not jealous, I am lying to myself. "I want to know, uh, how do you get a girl to like you?" He asked still blushing nervously.

"She already seems to like you, she's practically spreading her legs open for you every time I see you together." I spat. It was cruel, it was immature. He looked at me, wounded.

"Not like that Anders, I really want her to like me. She is just so amazing. Have you heard her stories, her laugh, her...everything." He sighed. I relented. He trusts me as a friend, and if this is what he wants. Of course he had no interest in me, why would he. What was I? I am not even fully human anymore. I should count myself fortunate that he views my friendship in such high esteem.

It still hurt.

**Emotions are a weakness.**

"Well Issac, if you want her to know you really care about her, do nice things for her. Get her a gift, take her out to someplace where she would have a good time, be honest with her about how you feel." Hmm be honest about how you feel, I cannot even take my own advice, but then again I am not even sure what it is I feel for him.

"I don't know if I can tell her. I will take your other advice though. I feel like an idiot schoolboy not knowing what to do." He said shaking his head.

"Don't tell me a handsome man like yourself has never wooed any young ladies." Why do these stupid words keep coming out of my mouth. At this he laughed.

"No, no, In my family we couldn't really get close to anyone. It was fear that they would let it slip about Father and Bethany. I do know a girl back in Lothering fancied me, but I was never going to put Bethany at risk like that unless I was sure her secret would be safe. Isabella has know her for months now, she has fought with her, I definitely don't think she'd hand Bethany over to any Templars."

"Your loyalty to your family is truly admirable." To give up so much of his own freedom for the sake of another...

"I would do anything to keep my family safe, especially since father passed." He added with a grim note.

"You are a good man Issac. All I think you have to do is be yourself, that should win anyone over." I hoped he did not detect the sadness in my voice.

This is for the best.

**Emotions are a weakness.**


	5. Chapter 5

"Come on those Qunari are a vicious lot, It would be nice to have my number one healer with me." Once again Issac is pestering me to go one one of his errands, not that I mind. I sometimes just feign annoyance to see how bad he wants me to go with him. It feels nice to be appreciated, it feels nice to be appreciated by him.

"Issac you can see how busy I am at the clinic. Look why don't you just take Bethany?"

"Aww but her healing isn't as good as yours." He wined.

"Well maybe if you just wore some armor, you wouldn't need an expert healer" I quipped, smirking slightly.

"If I did that how would I ever maintain this glorious tan?" And he meant it too. If I could find one fault with the man, besides his complete inability to grasp the obvious, was his ridiculous sense of vanity.

"Besides don't you plan on bringing that broody elf with you? I don't really care for being insulted the entire time." How that elf got under my skin with his hatred of mages. He couldn't grasp how the situation in the circle mirrored his own as a slave. He was a slave to Tevinter Magistars, I was a slave to the Templars. Yet he could not see the similarity in the oppression. The ones who enslaved him were mages, true, but he must see how we were all not like that.

"Fenris just needs some time to warm up to you that's all. He has been through a lot, and unfortunately at the hands of mages."

"Oh and that makes it fine, fine to paint me and your own sister that way! If he didn't owe you so much he would turn me over to the Templars!" Justice claws at my mind. "How would you feel then if your favorite healer was dead, or worse a mindless tranquil! Or could I still be of use to you then, maybe selling you my bloody wares outside of the gallows!" Instant regret courses through me. The familiar feeling in my gut of self hatred forms as I watch Issac's face twist in surprise.

"Maybe you shouldn't come this time Anders..." He leaves me without saying anymore.

**His association with those who support this injustice is troubling.**

I shouldn't have gotten so carried away. Am I such a monster that I cannot even keep from ruining the one good thing since I arrived in Kirkwall?

…..

I cannot sleep, and if I do the nightmares wake me anyhow. I just keep seeing what transpired earlier that day in the clinic over and over again. I grit my teeth, why am I such an idiot? Then I heard it, a small knock at the clinic door. I doubt Templars would be so polite, it must be a refugee that has had an illness or injury come upon them in the night.

"Do you need healing?" I call as I stumble out of my cot and to the door.

"Yeah I guess you could say that." I knew that voice, Issac. I nervously open the door and see him doubled over clutching his side, blood pooling beneath him.

"Maker Issac! What happened? Why didn't you get Bethany to heal you?" I gave him my arm for support and took him over to the nearest cot.

"She tried, she really did. It looked ok at first, still hurt though. I guess she couldn't close the wound very well and it kind of split back open. I didn't want to scare her so I slipped down here by myself." He explained wincing.

"Coming by yourself! That was foolish! What if some bandits came upon you? You've lost so much blood Issac!"

"I'll make more." He groaned, "besides who would you have wanted me to come with? You don't seem very fond of those I travel with!" Ouch, he did have a point after my outburst.

"Look Issac, I'm sorry." I lay my hands over his wound, letting my magic flow into it, binding flesh back together, weaving tissue, until I am satisfied and exhausted. "I just loose control when my temper flares about those kinds of things. I certainly regret speaking to you so harshly. I may not like some of the people you choose to bring along with you on your...errands...but I need to respect your right to bring them." I hoped the apology would work. More than anything I wanted to repair the damage between us.

"No harm done Anders, well except to me, and apparently you fixed that so I guess I should say no lasting harm done." That smile, its...wonderful, and I smile back. I probably look like a grinning idiot. Exhausted I crash onto the adjacent cot. "Hey Anders?"

"Hmm?"

"I know this is random, but you remember when you spoke of well um the apprentices' 'activities' in the tower?" I knew good and well what he meant. I was not stupid enough to get my hopes up for anything this time.

"What about it?" I tried to sound nonchalant.

"I just wondered, just wondered if you liked girls as well." he cleared his throat.

"Yes, I have been with women before." I arched an eyebrow, where was he going with this?

"Well do you prefer one over the other?"

"Its not as simple as that for me Issac, I'm attracted to the whole person whether it be a man or a woman." Not that it matters much anymore.

"So have you been with Elves?"

"I don' see where this is going."

"That's a yes! How about Dwarves eh?"

"Now you're just making fun of me!" He laughed at my exasperation, if it wasn't for the odd subject matter of the conversation I would find it endearing

"I was just curious that's all. Well I better get back before Bethany finds me missing and gets mother worried. Speaking of Bethany I think she said she wanted to help you out tomorrow, is that ok?"

"Sure any help is appreciated, and well maybe I can help her out a bit more with the healing, for your sake anyway." We shared a laugh, a laugh that drowned out the echo whispering

**Distraction**


	6. Chapter 6

A slow day, I set to making an inventory of my healing supplies, as Bethany hovered behind me. As much as I appreciated the pair of extra magic hand at the clinic, she occasionally was a bit more trouble than that was worth. The girl had a tendency to zone out whenever I gave instruction, a dreamy expression crossing her face, I cannot even fathom what she is thinking about half the time. For some reason she always seems fidgety, stuttering when speaking to me, prone to bouts of nervous laughter, and dropping things. True while these are annoying she does make up for it in ability to take care of most of the patients with minor injuries. She also gives me an audience, and audience who understands what I am trying to work for...

"I know it didn't work out the way you wanted."

"Hmm, what?" I turned from the herbs I was counting.

"It was brave...what you did with Justice." Her eyes do not leave the floor as she speaks to me.

"It was meant well," and how I believed it would turn out for the best, " I don't know if that's enough to forgive me." Forgive me for the anger that has poisoned us, twisting into blind vengeance and fury when I lose control.

"It must have been hard for him, being trapped outside the Fade. In a place where no one's like him. I...I bet he appreciated having a friend." As the words left her lips she actually met my eyes and offered a smile.

"He did."

…..

The Hanged Man, favorite haunt of my new circle of friends...and quite unwanted acquaintances...I shoot a glance towards the Elf brooding in the corner with a bottle of wine held tightly in his hand. Hopefully he will stay over there tonight. I do not feel up to a shouting match, not in my current condition anyway. I can only watch as Issac smiles at her stupidly. She throws her head back and downs another shot, slamming the empty glass on the wooden bar, shouting for another round. I look down at my tankard of ale. The same tankard I have been sipping on the whole night. I guess I am really no fun, Justice won't let me get drunk anymore. Sometimes I quite miss it. Maybe its a good thing, on nights such as these I would gladly drown myself, drinking away until I feel nothing. I notice he has torn himself away from her company and merrily joins me at my empty table.

"Not feeling very social tonight huh?" He asks, the redness faint on his cheeks.

"When do I ever feel social." I offer a forced smile. The best I can do. He laughs in response.

"From the sound of it, I think you had a bit of a wild side before." That smirk...that irresistible little smirk forms on his lips.

"You could say that, but it would be a massive understatement." My mood lightened, he was talking to me wasn't he? Not hanging on ever word Isabella expelled. Perhaps a small victory. No who am I fooling. The familiar voice speaks in me again.

**Distraction, he is nothing but a distraction.**

And what am I supposed to do, get up and leave, never speak to him again. Pour myself into our work, our cause, give every single part of me over to it? I don't want to think about him, but I can't keep him out of my mind.

**It has become worse, bordering obsession.**

"But you aren't like that anymore, I mean I've never seen you cut loose, get rowdy, shoot lusty glances at all the sexy ladies...and guys." His tone was a mix of serious and playful, snapping me out of my internal argument.

"Well you are right. I am not that man anymore."

"That's a good thing." I arch an eyebrow. "No hear me out. You got that out of your system. Think about the guys who get hitched to the first girl they like in town. When they get older they start to wonder what they missed out on. Some just grow old and miserable, others leave their families and try to live that dream. You've had some crazy experiences, and now you are serious, dedicated to a cause." He explained. I don't really know how to take this.

"I guess I've never given that much thought. Isn't this kind of thinking a little deeper than your usual conversation fodder?" I am genuinely surprised at his philosophical foray. He offers another laugh.

"I don't know Anders. I was just thinking about it I suppose. Oh by the way the main reason I came over here was to let you know that my mother wanted to meet some of the people Bethany and I were spending so much time with. We will have the place to ourselves since we found out uncle had made a few silver gambling. Its unspoken, but we all know when that happens that the creepy bugger spends it at the Rose. Are you free tomorrow evening?"

"I suppose I could come. I just don't want Avaline arresting me, Fenris pulling my heart from my chest, or Merrill trying to convince me that 'Demons can be our friends'. If you can guarantee me that..." I was interrupted by his snickering.

"Oh you know I can't guarantee that Anders! It goes against their very nature."

"It was worth a shot anyway."

"Well I'll see you tomorrow then, I think a certain lady may be lonely without my presence." He turned and gazed longingly towards Isabella. I can't help but call her whore under my breath, knowing that it is childish.

**Weakness**


	7. Chapter 7

I could already tell this was going to be a disaster. I think I get along with less than half the people in this room, and I know they feel the same way about me. At least Merrill is pestering Fenris about the plight of the elves. It distracts him from needling me on the issue of mages. Maker knows I am going to try and hold my tongue tonight, as difficult as that may be.

**We should not fear to speak the truth.**

Justice has no concept of proper dinner etiquette.

Not that I am going to hold my tongue to be civil for them, it is more for Issac and his family's sake. I am sure his uncle would be very unhappy to find his home in flames when he returned from whoring. It is true what I say after all, never taunt a mage. My eyes dart around the room. Varric is trying to talk Avaline into helping him acquire the Hanged Man, good luck there. Merrill exasperatedly still trying to get Fenris to care about 'their people'. Well at least there is one thing she is good for, riling up that bastard. My eyes travel the table, of course they sit across from me, the Maker has a dark sense of humor.

Isabella already has flushed cheeks from the wine consumed here, and the ale consumed before at the Hanged Man. Not that it bothers Issac, of course not. How could it bother him, her tits are practically busting out of her top. I am reminded again, chided by the whispers in my own mind.

**Distraction.**

She couldn't even bother putting on anything decent! We were all meeting his mother for Andraste's sake! I feel the jealousy burn inside, but no, who am I to judge. I look down at my coat, patches covering holes, the bottom showing frayed thread. I guess I do look the part of a poor disheveled Darktown refugee. I regard them once more, he gazes longingly at her, as she weaves another yarn of stories on the high seas. I do feel the craving in her voice to go back to that life, for a brief moment I feel a kinship. Isabella values freedom above all else and I strive to set my fellow mages free. That feeling is quickly erased as I watch Issac place a nervous hand on her leg just above the knee. She flashes him a wicked grim, he blushes, whore.

I feel I may choke on my misguided emotions, but I am offered a reprieve. Issac's mother Leandra and Bethany appear from the kitchen bearing large pots of a greyish substance, oh how wonderful, the old Ferelden stew recipe, I laugh to myself. Issac removes his hand from the strumpet's leg hurriedly. At least I don't have to watch that anymore.

"We've almost got enough you know, coin for the expedition." Issac tells his mother excitedly.

"Its true," Varric chimed in, "And we expect to make a small fortune from the expedition." A roguish grin spreads across his face. Bethany sits down next to me.

"I just worry Issac. The Deep Roads? It sounds so dangerous." She looks sad, almost fearful. Issac and Bethany had told me of their loss. Their brother, killed by darkspawn like so many during the blight, of course she wouldn't want to go through that again.

"But I'm taking Anders, he was a Grey Warden. They kill darkspawn for a living!" He beamed at me, and my heart leapt. "Anders, what kind of things are down there?" My mood soured.

"I doubt it is proper dinner conversation. Let me just say that what we could face should not be taken lightly." I hoped the answer would suffice and the conversation turn to more pleasant topics, but of course I am never so lucky.

"Is the little mage afraid to go back to the Deep Roads?" Fenris attempted so say under his breath, but I heard it.

"You have no idea of the horrors I have seen elf." My voice is much louder than I anticipated. Oh if only my glare could set him ablaze!

"And you have no idea of the horrors I have lived, subjected to by your people!" He spat. Emerald eyes threatened, practically screaming an invitation to bring this to blows.

"You two forget yourselves, and your company!" Avaline hissed. She was right, hadn't I told myself I would attempt to be civil. Poor Issac, he looked mortified, and Maker what his mother must think of me now.

"Do your friends always get on so well?" Leandra asked meekly. Issac mumbled something about how we all usually were too busy fighting bandits to chat. I stared down at my stew, not meeting anyone's eyes. Awkward silence, my head swimming from anger and shame, thank the Maker Varric decided to indulge the group in recounting some of Issac's adventures, adding his own fabrications to the mix. At least some were entertained, and the attention was not focused on me anymore.

"But Varric, I was there! Issac never punched a bear in the face."

"Oh Daisy, why do you have to go ruin a good story like that?" Varric chuckled.

"Kitten, sometimes adding a little spice to a story is what makes it worth telling." Isabella said through lighthearted laughter. Issac laughed too, it was nice to see he wasn't dwelling on the unfortunate turn in conversation beforehand. I felt a sudden presence at my feet. Chester, Issacs Mabari hound, looked up at me from the dirt floor. Slowly I lowered my bowl allowing him to lap up its unwanted contents. The stew reminded me of the circle, they served it to us at least twice a week. I know I've chastised Chester before for not being a proper pet, but in this instance I am glad that he is a slobbery hungry dog.

When the meal is done Issac and Bethany kindly assist their mother with gathering up everyone's empty bowls. How they treat their mother with such care...I am bitter. My thoughts turn dark remembering my own mother, clutching me, begging the Templars not to take her only child. They ripped me away, one of them struck her, demanding that my father control his woman.

**It was a grave injustice.**

And this is what we fight for, so all of us can share such moments with loved ones, and so no mage will ever again be torn from their mothers arms.


	8. Chapter 8

Pulled back from such weighty thoughts I notice Isabella watching me curiously. For a moment a dim recollection forms.

"I keep thinking I know you from somewhere." I rack my memory.

** "**You're Fereldan, right? Ever spend time at the Pearl?" She asked.

"Thats it! You used to really like that girl with the griffon tattoos, right? What was her name?" Memories resurfaced. A different time, a different man, a man that didn't carry the weight of the world on his shoulders.

"The Lay Warden?"

"That's right! I think you were there the night I..." Oh, that particularly spicy memory.

"Oh! Were you the runaway mage who could do that electricity thing? That was nice..."

"I don't think I need to know this about either of you." Varric sighed shaking his head. My face was burning. I hope Issac's never finds out, I hadn't actually slept with her. I spent that night offering to show patrons the pleasures of magic if applied correctly to the right parts of the body, she was quite the willing participate. Still Issac did have a way of somehow...knowing.

**Such selfish decadence.**

Am I not even allowed to think on my past now without disapproval?

**There is a lot to be ashamed of.**

So I am reminded of everyday.

"Did I miss something dirty? Oh please tell me if I did, I'm always missing things that are dirty!" Merrill, sometimes I can't believe how someone so naive could dabble in magics so evil.

"Kitten, I'll explain it to you." She grinned mischievously. Avaline crossed her arms and rolled her eyes at the display.

"Don't be corrupting Daisy now." Varric warned.

"Oh don't be silly, the girl has to learn sometime! Move over Fenris, Merrill I'll whisper it to you so I don't offend the prude." She gestured towards Avaline who responded with a scowl. Uncomfortably I became aware of the elf now sitting across from me.

"You are a fool you know." He takes a large gulp of his wine. Goading me will not work this time.

"I don't feel like arguing with you anymore tonight, so please kindly leave me alone." Civility...attempt civility.

"Its pathetic how you pine for him." He lowers his voice so only I can hear.

"I don't know what you are..."

"Oh I think you do. Issac has no interest in you. I doubt he would ever have any interest in a broken, weak, pathetic mage like you." My hands...why do they shake so? My teeth grind into each other as a clench my jaw tight. I cannot loose control. I know that's what he wants.

"You play a far too dangerous game elf." I snarl. I have to get out of here, I need some air. The room has suddenly become suffocating.

"This is no game mage, they will all see soon enough that they harbor a viper in their midst!" I can feel his hate, it only serves to bring Justice closer to the surface. The door, I have to get out...

…..

The stillness helps calm my shaking. I breathe deeply and slowly, trying to pacify the storm in my mind. The door creaks open. I wish for Issac, long for a comforting muscular arm around my shoulder. I pray that it isn't Fenris, for I doubt I can contain myself any longer. It is neither. Bethany emerges from the door frame, concern written upon her features.

"I was told you went outside in a huff." An understatement, how about a furious rage bordering homicidal.

"Fenris was hounding me again. I didn't want to get his blood all over your uncle's fancy dirt floor, so I came out here to calm down." I smile weakly, and so does she. "He calls me weak, he calls all mages weak! I just tire of it, tire of him believing it, the whole of Thedas believing it." I tire of containing this rage.

"I don't think you are weak," there was a certain meekness to her voice, "you were in the Circle and ran away. I don't know if I'd be brave enough to do that ."

"You've been an apostate your whole life." I hadn't realized, she knew nothing of the Circle's oppression, a fortunate girl.

"Exactly. It was never anything I had to work for. Other people always took the risks, to keep me free. Sometimes I wonder if I might be better off there. I don't like Issac and mother risking so much just for me." She sighed. The passion for the cause stirred inside me, I grasped her hands, she released a started gasp.

"None of us should ever be locked away Bethany. Your family understands how important freedom is, they understand the risk because they love you. They don't fear you, or look at you as an embodiment of the Maker's anger. If I can only convince our people of one thing it would be that our magic is no shame. The Maker has gifted us with it!" I'm breathing heavily. Talk of freedom, this cause of Justice, it brings forth my desperate need for others to see what I see. She s trembling slightly...did I frighten her? I release her hands. "I'm sorry...I just...please value this life you have. Freedom is a precious thing, one our kind does not often experience." Her eyes are wide, I cannot tell if they are fearful, or just surprised. Silence passes between us it seems for ages.

**She must realize she has power to fight this injustice.**

She is just a frightened girl I cannot ask that. Just changing her mind, or at least making her think on it is a victory enough for a day.

**Our resolve must strengthen, perhaps if we were not so distracted...**

Don't bring him into this!

"I...I should go. Tell your mother I appreciate the meal. Give Issac my thanks for the invitation. Tell them I have a patient I must check on, and I am sorry for having to excuse myself early." I can't go back in there, my emotional state, and self divided would only lead to an unfortunate outcome I am sure.

"Do you want me to walk with you?"

"Your brother wouldn't want you walking back from Darktown by yourself." I leave her knowing that the trek to the clinic will only be full of arguments in my head.


	9. Chapter 9

Soft footsteps...was I followed? It wasn't the loud chinking of Templar armor, but I couldn't be too careful. I ready my staff, yet when I turn it is only Bethany at the Clinic's entrance.

"Bethany? Its too dangerous to go out in Darktown like this! Maker do I need another reason to upset your family?" I groaned, no good could come of this, what did she want anyway?

"Its not like they payed any attention, Mother thinks I am at the Hanged man with Issac, and Issac is well...a little busy spending time with Isabella to notice my absence." My lips curl into a snarl at the mention of Issac and Isabella. "You looked upset Anders. I just wanted to make sure you were ok." She walked closer to me, a little shaky in her steps. I am frozen with the realization, Have I such a blind fool? I know now what those looks meant, why she had trouble speaking to me, why her eyes grew wide when I grasped her hands in mine.

"Bethany..." She places a soft palm on my face, "I don't..." I can's speak, the words choke in my throat.

"I admire you so much Anders." She whispers, her hands tremble against my skin.

"I am not always the gentle man you see before you, there is a monster inside me." I warn her, still unmoving as if she has cast a glyph of paralysis. Her face moves closer to mine, dangerously close.

"I am not frightened." The words escape her lips as they press against mine. I am at a loss at the feeling. Her lips are soft and moist against mine. My arms glide around her waist as if they acted on their own accord. I feel her heavy breaths as her chest rises and falls against my own. My lips part...I kiss back. I kiss back with ragged breath and desperation.

I can't...

I'm so lonely...

I am weak...

It is not even Justice I argue with, as the shame burns in my mind, and the heat builds in my loins. I pull her closer deepening the kiss, allowing my tongue to taste those sweet lips. She shudders in pleasure, I don't want anymore encouragement...I have to stop...Our tongues meet probing each others mouths softly. Her hands grasp clumsily at the buckles and clasps on my coat, I pull my arms from her waist and help her remove the offending garment. Her fingers slowly travel the length of my chest, stopping hesitantly at the knotted scar near my heart, then continuing over my stomach and resting at the top of my breeches. I am on fire, burning shameful desire. Its been a long time since anyone has touched me this way. I position myself standing behind her devouring her neck, my hands cupping her breasts, squeezing them lightly eliciting a moan from her lips. I pull her close pressing my hard desire against her.

**We cannot let her become one of your mistakes.**

I was wondering when the ominous voice of disapproval would show itself.

**Do you not regret the past mistakes?**

Yes. Yes of course I do.

**And yet you do this again. **

I know this is the truth, I would only regret this. The last times when the need had overtaken my common sense it lead to mistakes, a mistake like Elissa...like Nathaniel.


	10. Chapter 10

Oh how the Commander had proved a difficult one. Her coy allure only made it more of a challenge. Yet it was her future husband King Alistair that proved to be her undoing. He didn't even warm her bed when he visited the keep. I could see some unspoken sadness between them, such sadness leaves a weakness in defense, something I could exploit. Not that I was trying to take advantage...I knew she needed someone, and I just wanted to offer my services. When the letters didn't come, when she looked so dejected and alone, I was there, I was charming.

"Are you sure you called me to your room to discuss the bickering of Amaranthine

nobility Commander Cousland?" I smirked knowing exactly what she wanted.

"While you are in my bedchambers you may call me by my first name." Her eyes held such hunger...longing...lust.

"As you wish Elissa." She took my hand and led me to her bed, pulling me on top of her. How my commander burned with need...quickly our clothes fell forgotten on the floor. Elissa wasted no time with foreplay wrapping her smooth muscular legs around my frame plunging my prick into her warm depths.

It seemed to last for hours, Grey Warden stamina keeping us going deliciously hot, sweaty, intertwined. I knew I was close to my limit when she began to scream for me to pound her harder...harder. The pressure became to much, her moans, her screams...I spasmed emptying into her. I rolled off her breathless. She rolled to her side. Was she...no...crying?

"Elissa..."

"Just leave Anders."

"But Elissa..." I tried to wrap an arm around her, she only pushed it away.

"I will order you if I have to." She sounded hollow. I put on my robes and looked back on the sobbing form. This hadn't gone how I planned...not at all.

…..

"You know archers have really strong and sexy arms." I felt uninhibited, thanks to the strong drink at The Crown and Lion. Nathaniel must have had a little too much as well, he grinned stupidly. I wrapped my arms around his. "Maybe you can hold me down with these." I purred into his ear, he squirmed uncomfortably, but I saw the unmistakable bulge in his breeches, and took it as a sign to press on. I placed my hand on his groin applying light pressure and he gulped. Leaning in towards his ears I whispered, "Unless you want me to be the one pinning you."

The night swirled around me. We had stumbled outside to a dark alleyway. I wrapped my arms around him, my lips seeking his, but he turned away.

"No kissing." He warned roughly forcing me to my knees. I shuddered with anticipation as he pulled up my robe.

"Nathaniel...please..." I begged like a common whore needing him inside me. I heard him spit into his hand...

"Forget what happened? Oh I couldn't possibly do that Nathaniel. I couldn't sit down for days." I was exaggerating, but the look on his face was priceless.

"Its never happening again, I'm not like that!" I guess its a sensitive subject. "Just please pretend it never happened. We were drunk, we made a mistake."

"Fine, I'll be your regret...bastard. I'll pretend I didn't hear you moaning my name over and over." It hurt to know he felt that way.

"Just...we'll never speak of this again."

"Fine with me."

…..

"Bethany... I can't, I can't." The guilt and shame of the past to overwhelming. Mistakes, what I wouldn't give to be able to take them back. I'm not that man anymore. I'm not!

"Whats wrong? Did I do something..." She asks, hurt and confusion evident in her voice. I feel sick, I almost...with her...his sister...

"No Its me, its my fault." Maker I can't even look her in the eye.

"You must have heard Isabella and me talking...you know I've never done anything like this before." Now I feel worse.

"No, I didn't know that...Its not that, its not that at all. Believe me Bethany you are beautiful but I, I just can't do this."

"Why?" She is on the verge of tears. Why, why? Because I am one with a spirit who will not let me live down my past. Because I am not an idiot boy anymore living for only his own pleasures consequences be damned. Because I am haunted by a face, a voice whenever I close my eyes.

"Its Issac."

"My brother? You don't think he would approve of us together? He was the one who suggested I get to know you in the first place." That explains a lot, the odd questions, his encouraging Bethany to lend me a hand at the clinic. I shudder in horror as the epiphany courses through my mind.

It was Issac, It was always Issac.

I have broken the promise I made to myself years ago.

"No...your brother...Issac...I...I...think I love him."


	11. Chapter 11

"I hurt you...I'm sorry...I'm so sorry. You deserve a lot better than to have feelings for someone like me, and your brother, I do not deserve to hold feelings for him." This couldn't be anymore of a disaster. I wish she would say something, anything...call me a bastard, even smack me, I deserve worse, so much worse. I pick up my discarded clothing, turning away as I put my coat back on. "I tried to warn you that I am not a good man."

"That's not true." She spoke softly. I feel a hand gently on my shoulder as she turns me to face her. "You are a confused man, a lonely man, a man who carries far too much on his own." I turn away, I can't look into those eyes. Her hand is at my face again, comforting, and not seeking as before. "You feel everything don't you, sadness, anger, joy, passion, you feel them deeper than most." Was she right? I don't remember experiencing emotions so intense before Justice and I became one.

"It doesn't matter anyway. I am not worthy of anyone." I wish she wouldn't look at me with such sadness. "I am sorry I couldn't be what you wanted me to be." She is far to kind after what I have done, she should hate me as I hate myself, but no, she pulls me into a gentle embrace.

"I'd never want you to change..." She whispers into my chest. I don't know what to say. My realization has made me weary and I rest my head barely touching the top of hers. We are both the same, filled the loss of knowing what we can never have.

"I should at least walk you home." I finally break the crushing silence, slowly withdrawing from her arms.

…..

We say nothing, hasn't it all been said? She now knows what I was hiding from myself. Why couldn't I just forget the world for one night, bury myself in carnal passions? Instead of sated desire, I am left with a stomach full of knots, and an ache that fills my chest. He will never feel as I do, and the truth sears into my mind. And Bethany, Maker that poor girl! Why couldn't I have stopped myself in the first place? The guilt manifests in my gut, I am sure if I had eaten anything I would be sick.

We arrive at the steps of her uncle's house. I cannot even bring myself to utter goodnight before turning to leave. "Anders..." I say nothing. "Anders, I won't tell him. I won't tell him unless you want me to. Do you?"

"No, please don't. I couldn't handle the awkwardness between us." Not that I can behave normal around him anyway.

"He won't find out what happened either." She murmured.

"I thank you for that." Its uncomfortable, I shuffle my feet, anxious.

"I don't think I will be coming around the clinic for awhile." I halfway expected she wouldn't be coming back ever.

"I understand."

"Goodnight then."

"Goodnight."

…..

"We've got the coin now! I've already talked with Bartrand, the expedition will be leaving within the week!" How a man could be so excited to go into the blasted Deep Roads...then again it was Issac. "I guess you'll want to bring along some healing supplies and maybe some...Hey are you listening to me Anders?" In fact I had been listening, just avoiding speaking. Its so uncomfortable with him here, the closeness. Issac has no concept of personal space. When he came into the clinic, unable to contain his excitement, I seated myself on an available cot. I expected him to sit at the one across from me, but no, no he sat right next to me. With his hurried chatter came shifting of legs, brushing of arms, accidental touch from proximity, how it was maddening!

"I'm listening, just forgive me for not sharing your enthusiasm. I am not so eager to be fighting Darkspawn again. I thought those days were over."

"I won't make you go if you don't want to, but to be honest I wouldn't feel so confident without you by my side." He offered me one of his warm smiles...how I've lost myself to those charms.

"Well you convinced me. Although I do think its because I don't trust anyone else to watch you." I tease. It seems there is no way of keeping these flirtations in my mind, they just seem to come out before I can catch them. He never gets it anyway.

He will never get it.

**And we are better for it. He is distraction enough already.**

Issac laughs and gives me one of his hearty slaps to the back. Maker's balls does he even know his own strength! If he did that to Fenris he'd probably break him in half...now that's an amusing mental picture. "Well I better get going, I've got supplies to buy. Oh by the way, has Bethany come around here lately." He inquired attempting to sound casual.

"No she hasn't of late." I knew the question would come up sooner or later.

"Strange...she seemed to really be enjoying helping you out here. Maybe you could talk to her or something." Bethany had obviously kept her word. I don't know how to deter Issac from this path of conversation.

"Perhaps I'll speak to her when we get back from the Deep Roads." I will not face her until she wishes to speak to me again. I cannot bear the shame of it.

"Sounds good." Self satisfaction crosses his face...if he only knew how wrong he was.

…..

And here I am again, the cold earth enclosing me. Visions, I am living the nightmare, broodmothers, talking Darkspawn... the stone holding me in, trapped, trapped like before in the tower. Beaten raw Templars throw me into that small cold room, a year, a whole bloody year with no one, solitary, alone... I am alone...

"Anders! Anders wake up!" Issac is shaking me, interrupting the terror I fell victim to in my sleep. It is dark, morning, night? Does it even matter down here? "Anders are you ok?" He still held tight to my shoulders.

"Its a Grey Warden perk, nightmares." I finally assess my surroundings. We have made camp in the Deep Roads, a small group of dwarves and men huddle around a fire, others are sleeping close by, Varric and Merrill look at me concerned, and Issac, Issac still grips me as if he'll never let go. "I'm ok I promise." He finally loosens his hold. "I think it gets worse down here."

"I didn't know, I shouldn't have asked you to come." He frowns, I sit up.

"I would have insisted anyway, whatever would you do without your trusty Grey Warden Apostate?" I smile to put him at ease. I don't want him to feel sorry for me.

The next time we make camp I notice he has put his bedroll next to mine...


	12. Chapter 12

"I don't care how good of friends we are...I am never going back there again!" Finally sunlight, fresh air, hopefully the nightmares will stay at bay for awhile. It was rather embarrassing to wake up screaming, my companions staring at me like I was a madman. Although it was comforting to have Issac so close... I need time to think, to rest. Varric's own brother had left us to die, over some treasure made of pure lyrium.

**We could feel it sing.**

It was disturbing

**It was wonderful.**

I put thoughts of the idol out of my mind. Issac and Varric were discussing the best route for revenge against Bartrand. Merrill had already left to go back to the Alienage. She had been as eager as I was to leave the deep. I don't think elves were meant for the underground.

"Enough about Bartrand though...we did it! The treasure we have a small fortune!" Issac could barley contain his excitement. "Mother and Bethany...we can live in the old family estate in Hightown! I can finally be able to give them something worthwhile since we fled Lothering." He was so happy, when he smiles like that I can forget all about the Deep Roads...but for now the exhaustion crept in. I bid them a good evening and headed towards Darktown almost dead on my feet.

…..

"Blondie, Blondie wake up, hurry wake up!" I was shaken awake from my dreamless slumber.

"Varric, what in the void is going on! OW!" I fell out of my cot. Rubbing my head I saw that his face was panicked.

"They got her, hurry they got her..." He wasn't making any sense .

"What, who..." I still was disoriented the clinic becoming less blurry every second.

"Sunshine...the Templars..."

"NO, no...it can't be no...Varric, while we were gone...I...no it can't be." Bethany...

"Just get dressed already! I'll fill you in on the way." He shoved my clothes into my hands roughly. This cannot be happening...Bethany...Oh maker...Issac...Leandra.

**There must be retribution, there must be vengeance!**

…..

"They were escorting her out when we got to Gamlen's place. The Knight-Captain himself was there, and of course Issac, he just snapped. He actually threw the Captain against the wall, hands around his neck and everything!" Varric was at a full sprint. I struggled to keep up, and retain what he was telling me.

"Are you sure you aren't embellishing the details Varric?" I hope against hope that he is...if Issac was foolish enough to assault the Knight-Captain...

**Not foolish, admirable, he is not weak.**

And he may have doomed himself and his family. Open defiance is not the way to go about this!

**We see only weakness in your methods.**

This is not the time!

"I wish I was exaggerating Blondie. Sunshine stepped in, she tried to calm him, but he kept yelling that he had to protect her, and that he'd give his life to do it. She placed her hands on him, did some magic, and he fell asleep."

"And the Knight-Captain? What did he do with Issac?" If they did anything to him...I swear...

"Sunshine begged them to spare him, she said she would go quietly and promised Issac wouldn't cause them anymore problems. The Knight-Captain agreed because of how we helped them out with their disappearing recruit problem a few months back." We reached the steps. "He is probably still asleep, I don't hear anything being thrown around. If you don't mind, I want to keep all my limbs...I'll be out here." I took a deep breath. This is something I never wanted to do...but a story I know all to well. They always find us, always drag us to their prisons, contain us out of fear.

Someday they will know Justice.

**Soon they will know us.**

As I entered the house I heard the choked cries of Issac's mother. She sobbed into the arms of her, for once, concerned looking brother Gamlen. Issac was sprawled on the floor, Chester whining, licking his face. I felt their eyes finally fall on me.

"This is all we need, another Apostate...Your son must really want us to swing!" Gamlen snarled. Leandra hardly acknowledged, just sobbed her daughter's name over and over again. I feel the familiar pang in my heart. It is the same whenever I think of my own mother.

"I just want to help Issac, then I will leave." I sorely dislike Gamlen, now even more.

"Fine, I'm going out then, deal with that idiot boy before I come back." He spat, leaving his sister weeping.

"Shoo Chester." The Mabari gave a low growl, they are fiercely loyal, protective beasts. "Fine, but don't get in my way then." Dogs...why couldn't he just have a cat. I placed my hands on his shoulders, waking him from enchanted slumber.

"Bethany!" He reached out in panic, rage, shoving me aside. "WHERE IS SHE! WHERE ARE THOSE DAMN TEMPLARS!" He yelled. I have seen this man in battle, his berserker strength, and fury...this is different, pained, frightening. "ANDERS WHERE IS SHE, WHERE ARE THE TEMPLARS!" He grabbed me by the collar.

"Issac please...They have her, they took her to the Gallows. She cast a sleeping spell on you while you were assaulting the Knight-Captain. She was just trying to protect..." The rest could not escape my lips before he flung me into a wall.

"That's not how its supposed to work!" I flinched as he effortlessly tossed the dinner table across the room, shattering it. "I'm supposed to protect her! Father, that's what father wanted! That is what I am meant to do! Its all I was ever meant to do! I let down Carver...now Bethany!" He bellowed. "Why couldn't you have been here, you wouldn't have let this happen! If you had only cared for her like she wanted you to!" He screamed inches from my face. The anger then turned to tears. It was unnerving to see him cry. No tears came from his eyes when spears pierced his sides or when magic fire burned his skin. His accusation stung. He did know that Bethany had feelings for me...

"Issac... it probably would have turned out worse if I was here. What if along with the Templars I hurt Bethany, your mother, or even you? And I do care for Bethany, maybe not how she wanted, but I care a great deal!" And now I told him that I knew of Bethany's feelings, and How I hadn't returned them. More so he knew of my fear, loosing control, letting Justice loose. I walked over to him, placed a hand on his broad shoulder. "Your mother needs you to be strong right now. You have to be strong for her." He nodded, a tear fell from his face. He walked away from me towards his mother, now a heap on the dirt floor. He helped Leandra to her feet. I felt like an intruder to the Hawke family's pain. "If you need me Issac, please do not hesitate. You know where I will be." I slowly backed away heading towards the door leaving the mother and son to grieve.

…..

"So what is the circle like?" How I dreaded that inevitable question. I knew when he had come to my clinic hours after I left he would be full of questions...and anger. I want to lie, to tell him that it would all be fine, that it was all an exaggeration, but we couldn't lie about this.

**He must know.**

I wish I could spare him this.

**No one can hide from the truth.**

"Did your father not tell you?" I try to avoid the question. My personal experiences...they are not pleasant to recall.

"He didn't speak on it much. Getting caught was something to avoid like the blight. He just made it sound like a prison." Issac murmured. "Anders I have to know."

"Your father was telling the truth. In the circle mages are watched. We are looked on as vermin who may spring up as demon possessed abominations any second. The Chantry regards our magic as a curse, they see us as weak, unable to resist the whispers of demons in the Fade. They call us a danger to ourselves and others, and we are locked up for everyone's protection. Being prisoners leads to many...abuses by our jailers...and the Chantry turns a blind eye." I try to breath slowly and deeply, I cannot loose control, the anger welling inside...no...I have to contain it. He stares at me deeply, concern and fear show in his eyes.

"What kind of abuses?" How I wish he could have left it vague, but he has the right to know, the right to know what his sister may face.

"I have known mages beaten, raped, starved, locked up alone for long periods of time, mages driven to madness and desperation, and mages who take their own lives." I notice my hands quiver. I close my eyes...keep calm...just breathe.

"Did any of those things happen to you? Oh Maker...Bethany!" His breaths come short, I know he is fighting back loosing control as well.

"I have told you what I know for a fact happens. I do not wish to give you a personal account...please understand. It is hard to speak about." No I don't want to remember...It was this anger that made us a monster. "Bethany is a smart girl. She'll keep her head down. I was always escaping, rebelling." I hoped I was right.

"Anders...if you ever want to talk about it...I won't judge. You're my friend, I'm here to listen if you want me to." He spoke so softly, so delicately. I wonder how this was the same man who hours ago was raging, throwing a table across his uncle's house. He draped an arm around my shoulders. I had longed for this, but now its bittersweet. I lean back against him for comfort. We stay like this for several minutes, I never want to leave his side. "Anders," He finally broke the silence. "I need to check on mother." He pulled his arm away and rose. I gaze at the floor. It could have been a moment so perfect... under different circumstances.


	13. Chapter 13

As the months passed Issac became more despondent. He had purchased back the Amell family estate in Hightown for his mother, but without Bethany it seemed to bring him little joy. I noticed in battle he had become reckless. I lost count of how many times I tended his wounds. His eyes lacked the fire they used to, his laughs where all too rare now. I know he still blamed himself for what happened, and I tried over and over to convince him that it was not his fault. This is what the Templars leave behind, broken families, broken people.

To make things worse Isabella started taking more of an interest in Issac. He spent many nights at the Hanged Man with her, drowning his sorrows in cheap ale. In the mornings he would stumble to my clinic clutching his head, asking for a potion to ease his hangovers. Then he would tell me...'Isabella did this, Isabella did that'. And I would smile, nod politely, secretly seething with jealousy.

…..

"Issac...its been almost a year. I don't think I can watch you doing this to yourself anymore." He was drinking again. He turned his head and looked at me with heavy lidded eyes.

"What does it matter anyway. I've failed them." He muttered

"Come on, you can get through this! We'll take on some work, this city always needs a few more dead bandits. It will get your mind off of things." I offered him a smile, he returned it with an exasperated sigh.

"I don't know Anders..."He tapered off as Isabella appeared beside us and draped a bronze arm over Issac's shoulders. I bit my tongue.

"Oh I think sparkle fingers is right for once sweet thing." Sweet thing? I feel sick. "I'm bored with this, lets find something exciting to do. Something exciting that will gain us some coin as well. I have a feeling they'll stop serving me here if I don't finally pay off my tab." She giggled and stroked his cheek. I can only glare. I have no claim on his heart.

For the best, for the best I know. How I know.

I silence the voice before it begins. I don't feel like letting those thoughts dig at me. He smiles against her touch...If this is what it takes to get Issac out of his rut...

"Alright, I'll try. I just want you guys to know I still really don't feel like it." He beams at her through his words. I turn away. I will never know how it feels to have him look at me that way, and this is how it should be, this is how it has to be.

…..

Slowly Issac became his old self again, but it was all with the aid of Isabella. She started tagging along everywhere Issac went. Besides the obvious, and painful to watch, flirtations between the two, I started noticing something on a deeper level. Issac did not charge headlong against the enemy with disregard to his own well being as he had before. No, he was protecting her. Taking blows meant for her head as she would slip behind the enemy and deliver a fatal back stab. It was a beautiful and deadly dance when they fought together, and how I envied it. So this is what he had needed, someone to protect. I remember how he had screamed that all he was ever meant to do was to protect Bethany. To protect another was his drive and purpose.

He is a noble man.

**He is a distraction.**

He is the dream of a fool, and it is for the best that the dream will not come true.

…..

I am alone again in the clinic. My last patient left hours ago, minus a leg, but alive. So many injuries coming out of the Bone pit as of late. I heard a small rap on the door.

"Yes?"

"Anders its me, can I come in." Issac sounded excited about something. He opened the door before I even responded. His face was absolutely glowing. "I have to tell somebody...I just...I... you know...with Isabella!" Yes, it was only a matter of time. Surprisingly I thought she would have taken him sooner. I feel the familiar ache in my chest, as my heart starts racing. Blood pounds into my head, I swear I can hear it, its deafening. "Hey man aren't you going to say anything?" he jested giving my a friendly punch in the arm.

"Do you suppose I should congratulate you?" I should say nothing...

"Well yeah, that's what guy friends do." He looked at me a bit confused, I should shut up, I really should.

"Well congratulations on nabbing the biggest slut in all of Kirkwall." Every part of the sentence dripped from my lips like poison. Hurt and confusion, then anger, his face changed so quickly through those reactions. Why couldn't I just say nothing?

"Andraste's tits Anders! What is wrong with you!"

"Apparently nothing, the way your whore was moaning around my fingers a few years back. She liked it so much maybe she'll invite my sparkle fingers in with you two some time. You know that's the kind of thing she's into right?" Why did I want to hurt him so badly. I want to make him feel the bitter pang of the heart, I am spitting out sentiments of pure venom, but for what reason? Because I hurt, I must make him hurt? This is childish, stupid...I am interrupted by a fist crashing into my face. I see only black with small bursts of white light, and then I feel his fist again. This time I cry out as warm blood forms a steady stream out of my nostrils.

"You will shut your damn mouth! You will NEVER speak about her that way again!" He has pulled me up by my collar. His eyes are those of a madman lost in rage, his face twisted and skewed. I just look at him with the one uninjured eye. With one more shout of anger he tosses me aside and storms from the clinic.

I am alone again. And will I keep this as a permanent regret, where was my voice of reason?

**He was a distraction, now we may be free from it, we can focus on what needs to be done.**

I slowly pull myself up, sore all over. My nose is broken, this I can tell already. My fingers brush the bridge sending healing waves. I will keep the blood for now, I will keep the black eye. I need to be anywhere but here. I stumble out of the clinic into the cesspool of Darktown. It is where I truly belong is it not, among the dirt, the grime, the dregs of humanity. I wander down dank passageways for what seems to be hours.

"You having a rough night sweetheart?" A scantily clad elven woman in the shadows motions to me to come forward. "Yemena knows how to cheer you up, one copper, and I'll suck your prick." I don't care anymore. I need something, anything to take my mind off of what happened. I trust a copper into her dirty hand. Justice says nothing.


	14. Chapter 14

There is only one thing left to do now that my foolish jealousy has lost me the most important of the few who I count among friends. My share of the Deep Roads expedition profits will fund the clinic for a very long time, but it will also have a more important purpose. During my time in Kirkwall I have made several contacts within the Mage Underground. The Mage Underground, a network that shelters escaped mages, even transporting them outside of Kirkwall, this is where I can make a difference. With a push in the right direction we can become bolder...infiltrating the Gallows itself to free our fellows.

…..

It has been a productive few weeks, productive indeed. A foolish Templar is bound before us. We use no true names for safety. To my right stands two gentlemen. The older of the two is called Addax. Addax was no mage, but had a child who was. The child was taken by force years ago. When Addax fought back, they left him half dead and without an eye. The younger was a mage we called Beks. He had been an apostate his entire life along with his brother. His brother ended up being caught, and Beks to this very day does not know what Circle they have taken him to. To my left is a young woman I find supremely valuable. We call her Rosebay, and she knew the Gallows firsthand. She had escaped a few years back, and now provided the movement with useful contacts within the circle. That is how we came upon the unfortunate man before us.

The Templar, Ser Wallner, was an ambitious sort. Feeding him a false trail of information about hidden apostates, sheltered only by a frail elderly couple, had worked in luring him to us, foolishly alone. He didn't want to share the glory with anyone else, wanting to easily climb the ranks within the order, making himself impressive to the Knight-Commander. Now he struggled before us, bound in an abandoned warehouse that reeked of fish. He could have what we wanted. Information only privy to the Templars, their plans, what they knew about Apostates we had hidden, the extent of information they had on the underground movement. He also may have what I need to know...which Templar did the ritual on Karl.

And I will make them pay...

**We will have vengeance.**

Ser Wallner though, he could still live by the end of this.

**We must have every last one of them dead at our feet!**

I don't believe it has to end that way.

**There is no other way.**

"I am going to give you one chance to give us the information we want Ser Wallner. This does not have to escalate to violence if you cooperate. We have heard whispers of mages past their harrowings made tranquil. What do you know of that?" Stone faced he said nothing. "Well perhaps that was a tad too difficult to open up with. How about how much is know about the locations of any Apostates in the area, or maybe how much your pals know about our little club here?" Still no reaction.

"Start cutting off his fingers...that's what I suggest" Addax hissed.

"Surely we are no so...barbaric?" Beks questioned nervously his eyes darting between the three of us.

"These men are monsters! Do not forget that boy!" Addax pointed to his black eye patch. "They took my eye for just because I was trying to protect my poor little girl!"

"Shouting won't get us anywhere." Rosebay interjected quite unamused at the two's bickering. I had to say I agreed. I tire of this. I know what has to be done, and I shall be the one to do it. I start to remove my coat.

"Janus what are you doing?" Asks a startled Beks as I pitch the hindering clothing to the floor.

"I am about to get results." The tunic comes off as well leaving me in my breeches.

"You mages are sick, sick staff twirling bastards. Maker preserve your humble servant!" Ser Wallner cries. He is making me most irritable.

"No our kind usually does not jump to the perversions you think of. That's something that you Templars are better at, forcing yourselves on the helpless...but no I'm going to give you a fighting chance to be fair. Cut him free."

"Janus this is foolish...it took so much just to catch him, months of preparation!" Rosebay shouts at me. Our patience is wearing thin.

"DO AS I SAY!" I feel the weight of the words as blue cracks from my skin for a split second. Addax, visibly shaken, takes his knife and cuts the cords binding the Templar. I am not afraid, years of running, my time with the Wardens, I do not fear a fight. "Now Ser Wallner come at me."

He wastes no time rising from the ground lunging at me with fist bared. I am calm, focused. If I let loose my rage it will be Justice in control. He takes his first swing and it connects with my shoulder as I attempt to dodge. He winds up and releases another fist this time to my jaw. The pain is nothing. I deliver my own blow to his gut, and he crumples in pain, and this I plant a knee squarely into his face, smiling as I hear the crunch of his nose breaking. He clutches his face, blood pouring all over his hands. It is horrific how elated I feel... He tries to blindly claw at me, leaving rivets of my own blood up and down my arms and chest. Enough of this. I push him to the hard dirt floor, and he pulls me on top of him. It is not the brightest of moves he discovers when I use the advantage to delivery an assault of punches to his head. His grip loosens and I stand. He is whimpering, this mighty Templar, jailer of mages, servant of the Chantry whimpers at my feet and I am pleased.

**We are pleased.**

Ser Wallner attempts to crawl away, I send my boot heel into one of his legs, the bone snaps. Now he will talk, oh how he had better talk! I pick him up by his greasy black hair, dragging his sorry form to a wooden beam.

"Now I said if you answered me there would be no cause for violence. I even gave you a fair chance when you refused to answer. If you want this to stop, you will talk." I shoved his face close to the beam. "Now what is going on with mages being made tranquil past their harrowing?" I start to push his face hard across the beam when there is no fast reply. His skin peels on the uneven splintering wood.

"Ser Alrik...He proposes a solution, he wants to make all the mages tranquil...he plans to bring it to the Knight-Commander, and the Divine." He cries out and I stop. He tells me of the Apostates the Templars have knowledge of hiding in Kirkwall, and he speaks of who they know definitively is working with the mage underground. "Please serrah mage, let me go I told you all I know!"

"One more thing... Who presided over Karl Thekla's tranquility ritual?"

"The very same Ser Alrik...now please." I pulled back letting him go.

"Bind him again." This Ser Alrik must pay, but maybe Ser Wallner can still understand... Addax secures the Templar again sharing a frightened look with my other companions. I begin to heal Ser Wallner, taking such care to mend his tissue, his broken bones. He looks dumbfounded as I do this. It takes much out of me to do this, weak as I already am from the fight...but I must push forward...he must see!

"What harmed you the most? Was I acting as a mage when I caused you physical harm? Did magic cause your bones to break, your blood to spill? All men have the capacity to inflict such great harm on others. One doesn't have to have magic to do so. Yet I have such a Maker given gift, the power to heal, the power to mend what is broken, yet you look on mages as cursed by the Maker. Can't you see what wonders mages can do for this world?"

He regards me slowly, perhaps taking in what I have said...he spits in my face. "Blight take you filthy mage."

He cannot be saved.

**None of them can.**

I start to believe that more and more everyday.

"You know what to do with him..." I wipe his blood flecked saliva off my brow. There will be one less Templar in Kirkwall tonight, and for once I am relieved that Issac is not by my side.


	15. Chapter 15

"I have heard troubling things Anders...Templars gone missing...mages escaping The Gallows."

"So the Captain of the Guard would trouble herself to come down to darktown to what? Are you accusing me of something? Do you have any proof, or do you just like tossing accusations around just because I'm an apostate mage?" Of course Avaline is completely right in her suspicions. She stands before me arms crossed, a scowl across her freckled face.

"I know the intentions you have about mages Anders...you cannot fool me so easily." Her eyes bore into mine...damn woman.

"So have you come to arrest me then? You'd like to see me locked away wouldn't you?" I spat. She would, the guard, just another arm of the Templars I am sure of it.

"You are such a fool...No that is not why I've come here. Look Anders, you need to be careful. I cannot do anything for you if the guard stumbles upon any of your...activities. I cannot protect you, not even for Hawke's sake." I grimace at his mention. "I have a duty."

**As do we**

"As much as I appreciate the warning Guard Captain, I still don't have an idea what you are on about."

"What do you take me for? You haven't been skulking around our little group as of late. There is only one possible reason for that." She throws up her arms in exasperation. How dare she come into my clinic, tossing around accusations, and then assume why I have been absent!

"You wouldn't understand, just leave."

"Have you even spoken to Hawke the last few months?" That look...so very harsh. She couldn't understand, no one could understand. I am tortured torn between a man and a cause. A man who will not even return my feelings. Tortured with the knowledge that I know in my heart that it must be this way, it has to be...but I cannot stop yearning for him, aching for him.

**Weakness, obsession.**

I do what must be done...but I cannot change my feelings

"No I haven't, he's been rather busy of late." Sarcasm, a favorite defense.

"Well on that we can at least agree." She rolls her eyes, probably at the thought of Issac and Isabella together. "Just because you don't approve, does not mean you need to stop talking to him. I know how close you two were, I know how you helped him through his rough patch after Bethany..." Do you really know? Of course not.

"I kind of told him my feelings on the situation. I doubt he'd want to speak to me again." I hoped she'd stop pestering me. I think this is the longest conversation the two of us have ever had...it makes me...uncomfortable.

"Andraste's sake, do you ever keep your mouth shut!" Low blow Guard Captain. I look away, if she only knew how I wish I could have stopped.

"Now you can leave me if you are finished tormenting me. I do have a clinic to run." I turn, tired of this.

"He still needs your friendship. If you can just look past her hanging off of him..."

How I wish I could.

…..

"No please Ser, please!" The screams echo through the stone. I can see from the narrow slit. It is Ser Alrick and some of his supporters. The young man they have bound...they take turns beating him...

"Call to your demons now mage. Call to them to save you." He is sick, a monster.

**We must stop them**

We cannot, we have to get out of here, we have save these two!

**We cannot stand by while this injustice...**

I have to!

More screams, I feel like my head may split open.

"Janus come on, there are too many of them." Rosebay whispers placing a hand on my shoulder, trying to turn me away. The two apprentices we are smuggling out shake anxiously.

**Look at them! We must have vengeance! Inaction is sloth, we shall not suffer it!**

No, there are too many, the others...

I feel it, he surges forward, no, I cannot...I feel my self crackle with the familiar energy.

"Janus...What?" Rosebay stutters. I bite my tongue, tasting the metallic tinge of blood as it fills my mouth.

No, not now...not now...

"Run all of you run!" It is painful to move, but I do so. The throbbing of my head does not dissipate.

**WEAKNESS**

I had to, for the others sake.

….

Two more are safe for now, and one is most likely dead. It is a never ending cycle. The clinic is blessedly still. I don't think I can handle anymore sorrows today. I will have him though, I will feel his neck break in my hands...

**We will taste his blood.**

Perhaps that goes to far...

I hear hurried light footsteps. I have not the strength nor the will to heal tonight. Hopefully an easy remedy, something to be cured with a poultice perhaps?

"Anders, Anders? Oh there you are." Merrill? What could she possibly want?

**She conspires with demons, we are not fooled by her appearance.**

"What is it Merrill? I'm dead tired and would prefer not to be bothered." She looked genuinely surprised with my shortness.

"Sorry then, I didn't mean to bother you...but Varric sent me. He needs your help."

"And he couldn't come here himself?"

"Of course not he's the one watching Issac!"

"What now?" What in Thedas is she rambling about? "Well spit it out then!" If something has happened to him, I could never forgive myself...

"Issac, he's a mess. I don't think things with Isabella went the way he wanted them to go. He's at the hanged man...very...very..drunk." My heart skipped a beat.


	16. Chapter 16

I tell her I'll be there as soon as possible...but here I am alone again, unable to move. I am frozen. He needs someone, even if all I can ever be is his friend.

**He is a distraction from the cause, we will not let him get in the way of Justice!**

He could help, I can't do this alone, I am but one man.

**That is not the true motivation, you have ulterior motives.**

What does it matter, If I can get him to help find the evidence we need of Ser Alriks' Tranquil Solution my motives are of no concern.

Will he even want to see me? What right do I have to help him? I am not doing this for the right reasons...but I can't help myself. What if there is a chance? The slightest chance...no...I just need to help him that's all, as a friend...I rise, and almost collapse lightheaded. Why is this so hard? I think on his anger, that face so many months ago, could I have the possibility of forgiveness?

….

I should turn back, I definitely should turn back. The walk was a blur, somehow I am here at the Hanged Man's door...my heart feels like its going to explode. Maker why am I so nervous?

"I always said you can't turn a whore into a house- Oh, Anders you decided to come after all." Aveline had been talking to Varric. She nodded politely in my direction.

"Blondie, long time no see. Wish it could have been under better circumstances. There is a little bit of a situation in there. Hawke...he's had a little to much to drink."

"That's an understatement..."

"As I was saying, Hawke has had a little bit too much to drink. He's in a really bad state. He would have gotten kicked out...but he kind of tossed the bouncer through a wall." The dwarf gave the smallest hint of a smile, before returning to a more serious demeanor.

"What happened to drive him to this?" I feel like I may already know.

"I don't want to spread gossip." At Varric's words Aveline scoffed.

"We both know that's a lie Varric." I was growing impatient.

"Listen its not my place. He'll tell you, he's been slurring about it all evening. You better get him to go to your clinic and sober up."

"And why is that?" They'd want him to go with me? Oh right...healer.

"Because If you can't convince him to go with you I'm going to have to lock him up for disorderly conduct." Aveline wasn't joking. "We'll stay out here and warn anyone else off. We don't need anymore trouble."

…..

"You know, you know, I could have any lady here, any one, they'd jump at the chance you know that? I have like the best hair in Kirkwall, I have a killer tan, and money yeah I've got money...Anyone in here would just love to be with me you know!" Issac rambled at a table to a heavy lidded Fenris. It seemed like the elf had also indulged himself tonight, but then again I almost always see him in his free time with a bottle of wine. Merrill was in a corner looking confused, and slightly amused at the same time.

"Oh I'm glad your finally here Anders. Drunk humans...they are rather funny... and sad. I think I'd best be going. Hope everything turns out fine for Issac. I do worry about him." She gave me a little smile.

"Before you go Merrill...is Isabella here by any chance?" What am I doing? I bite my lip slightly, this is stupid yet I feel so...so...compelled.

"Oh yes, she went up to her room about an hour ago with some big fellow with tattoos she had been talking to all night. Why?" She gave me a confused look. I am at a loss myself on why I even want to go through with this.

"No reason, I just may want to talk to her later. Um...try to smooth things over." A good enough excuse I hope.

"How sweet of you Anders! I don't care what the others say about you. I think you can be a very nice person sometimes, good luck to you then." What Issac's companions think of me is the least of my concerns. She leaves and I once again turn my gaze to Issac. I notice that several of the bar patrons are strewn about on the floor, apparently knocked out cold. They must have gotten in his way at some point of the evening.

"We were gonna be pirates together...I was going to live on a boat...you don't think it was my performance do you? I mean she sounded pleased...I heard they fake it sometimes...women you know...do you think she was faking it? Whats that guy she's with now got that I don't huh, huh?" He started bellowing waving his arms erratically letting most of the ale spill from his mug. "Oh I think I need some more...BARKEEP I'm not drunk yet! I loved her dammit. I would have given her everything!" He now was sobbing, I'd better make this quick. I ascend the stairs to the rooms with a lump in my throat. The overwhelming stench of booze, piss, and vomit hangs heavy in the air...

"And don't come back!" Isabella yells as a door slams open. The large bloke that Merrill spoke of was tossed out onto the wooden floor in only his small clothes, piece by piece his other garments followed.

"Damn pirate bitch." He snarls, "I wouldn't try your luck with that one." He grumbles attempting to pull on his trousers while walking. It is somewhat amusing as he ends up tumbling down the stairs.

"Makers balls Paul don't cause such a racket! Oh, Anders." I just stand there... "What do I owe the pleasure?" She grins then licks her lips seductively.

"I wanted...I need to...uh talk to you...about...Issac." I finally manage to stammer out. I feel nervous sweat roll down my forehead.

"Damn, I thought you wanted something more fun. Big Paul there...well lets just say he wasn't very big where it counted." She motioned for me to follow her back into the room and I obliged. "Now before this turns into something serious..." No sooner than the door had closed she pushed me against it. She was clad in only her small clothes, her breast pressed into my chest as she purred into my ear. "We could talk...or you could show me those magic fingers again..." She nips at my earlobes then runs her tongue down my neck. I shudder. Maker why is the world so full of temptations?

"No...I...no that's not what I came here for." Her hand meanders to feel my length embarrassingly hard against my breeches.

"Too bad then, you defiantly wouldn't have been a disappointment." She releases me with a slight giggle. She is laughing at me...anger replaces my nerves.

"I came here to tell you that you had your chance." The words are uncharacteristically bold, her display has somehow spurred my conviction. This may be the most foolish thing I have ever done, but I have to. I will say what I came here to say, she cannot stop me...Justice cannot stop me.

"What are you on about?" Unconcerned she puts her clothing back on.

"You heard me Isabella, you had your chance with Issac. I don't want to see you try and seduce him again. He's a wreck down there, you really hurt him!" Surprisingly she lowers her eyes and frowns.

"I didn't mean to. I didn't mean to at all. Anders believe me when I say that I told him how it was going to be up front. I told him it was just for fun, no strings, no commitments. When he started to push for something more serious I let him go...poor boy had an entire life in his head imagined for us. I never led him on. I didn't know he would react like that." It was real sorrow present in her voice, I did not expect it.

"You were the first person he's ever had that kind of relationship with. I assume he didn't tell you."

"I...I didn't know. I thought with his looks and that vanity of his that he must had bedded several women before. I wouldn't have pegged him a virgin, not with that performance anyway." She sighed as if remembering it fondly.

"I just don't want to see him hurt again."

"Well isn't this sudden. You could have cared less the several months you've been absent." I knew she'd bring that up.

"I always cared...I was just...busy." She isn't like Merrill, she wouldn't be fooled. She looks as if she has solved a puzzle...I don't like it. Prickling nerves reappear...I can't properly breathe.

"Oh...OH you...ha...I thought you'd have more sense than that...look, you're blushing, how sweet!"

"Shut up, its not what you think!"

"You poor man. I hate to tell you this, but I just don't think you have the parts he's interested in." I hate that smirk!

"I think we are done here." I hiss. Am I so obvious to everyone but him?

"Very well then, your secret is safe with me. Now if you don't mind, on the way out could you perhaps see if the broody elf would like to...hmm have a chat with me up here?" I leave without answering.

…..

"You listen to me Fenris, all of them, HARLOTS! Desire demons in disguise, waiting to chew up and spit out your heart. You can't trust them...damn women...you can't trust any of them, except for Aveline maybe...she's kind of more like a guy anyway, oh and Bethany...Bethany...poor...Bethany." Issac started sobbing loudly again...for his sake I am thankful Aveline is still outside. I slowly walk up to the table, he turns eyes glazed over from tears and the effects of strong drink. "You are either a very ugly lady...or a very handsome man...I just can't tell which." Should I take that as a compliment?

"Come on Issac we need to go. You can stay the night at my clinic." I speak softly, trying to convince him. Fenris looks up from his stupor.

"Mage...what do you think you're doing?" He growls at me. Why couldn't he just be passed out!

"Oh your a mage! My sister is a mage...I know another mage too, his name is Anders...umm don't tell anyone about him, he's not in the Circle." Great when he gets drunk he has no mental filter, I hope he hasn't rambled to any Templars about me.

**He is a danger to us**

I don't care if he is, I can't live without him.

"Come on Issac, please. Just come with me."

"See Fenris, I told you, anyone would jump to the chance to be with me. I think I'm going home with the funny looking lady here." He grins stupidly and with great difficulty hoists himself from his seat. I put his arm around my shoulder to support his weight, and I feel a clawed gauntlet did into my arm.

"Don't get any ideas mage. It is in your nature to take advantage of others." Fenris spat. Of course he would have to get a word in, that hateful bastard


	17. Chapter 17

"Need any help there Blondie." Varric asked ginning at my effort to drag Issac through the door.

"No I'm fine...if he would just stop dragging his heels."

"You're short, you know that...I bet I could fit you in an ale keg." Isaac grins stupidly at Varric, I may have bitten off more than I can chew.

"Could be worse places to be shoved in." He laughed slapping his knee. Aveline pushed past us with a look that said good luck. I wouldn't have wanted her task either. It looked like she had a lot of damage control to do. "If you've got it then, I think I may need to do some smoothing over myself. You are going to leave me broke Hawke." He chuckled and made his way inside as well.

"Who was that again?"

"Varric, you know, your Dwarf friend." This is going to be a longer night than I could ever imagine.

…..

"Hey you want to hear a song." His eyes were barely visible slits, but he smiles with a ridiculous toothy grin. I sigh.

"No Issac I really don't want to hear a song. We should just focus of the task at hand."

"You are no fun whoever you are. I'm going to sing anyway!" He started to belt out some offensive song he must have picked at the Hanged Man about Ferelden women. "Oh they say Ferelden girls are like dogs, they use way too much tongue when they snog. They steal all your covers at night, and when they wake they have breath worse than the blight!" His singing is awful...and loud.

"Issac please, we don't really want to draw attention to ourselves...shit!" I spoke to soon. Of course we couldn't just have a peaceful, albeit difficult, walk back to Darktown. Three men jumped out of the shadows surrounding us. "Look we don't want any trouble...here." I empty the few coins I have in my pockets into my free hand and thrust it toward the closest one.

"No don't give them your coins!" Issac slapped my hand sending the coins scattering upon the ground.

"ISSAC!" Why? Could this get any worse?

"This lady here is a mage, you better not mess with us you guys..." Issac warns. Maker what did I do to deserve this?

The men look at each other, one speaks. "You know what price a mage slave fetches in Tevinter."

"Or how much the Templars would pay out for an Apostate." Another answers. Before I have the chance to do anything Issac lunges towards the closest man. I hear a click and the sound of a loosened crossbow bolt.

"Shit!" Lodged deep in my shoulder, the bolt has found a mark. Issac had pinned the man beneath him and was pummeling his face with abandon. I turned, one of the others was rushing towards me, the other towards Issac. Freeing my staff I cast winter's grasp, freezing the one nearest Issac right before he has the chance to run his sword through Issac's back. His fellow was upon me fast, I barely had time to cast a glyph of repulsion to send him flying into an adjacent building. With a sickening crunch he collapses in a heap. What if the Templars come upon us...we have to move. "Issac." He continues beating the man below him. "Issac...ISSAC! I think you got him...you can stop now!" He rises, almost tipping over. He breathes heavily, and I see his hands are covered in blood. The man's face was unrecognizable. He is lucky to be alive, and I apparently was lucky not to face the full force of Issac's anger months ago.

"Yeah I got him..." He says triumphantly staggering back over to me. "Did you see that...oh you have something in your shoulder...let me get that."

"Issac, NO AHHH" Idiot, Idiot! I feel my flesh tear as the barbed head of the bolt is yanked out.

**He is a danger to us.**

No shit...

**We should leave him.**

And would it be just to leave him like this?

He flings the bolt aside. "See now its better...oh." He frowns a bit noticing the red wetness begin to blot through my clothing.

"Its fine, its fine." I hiss putting a finger to the wound to stop the bleeding. I should conserve some of my energy...in case Issac gets me into anymore trouble. "Here." I put his arm around my good shoulder and we continue on.

….

"Errrowww..." He moans.

"Whats the..." He lets loose a torrent of vomit, much of the sick lands on my shoes. I wish I could bang my head against a wall. "The things I am willing to do for you..."

"You're sweet..." He says then vomits again. I can't believe it causes me to smile. What a fool I am.

"Oh Issac, Anders! Thank the creators...I'm afraid I got a bit lost on my way back to the Alienage." Not Merrill...sweet Andraste will this torment never end?

"We are a bit busy as you can see Merrill...Just follow that side street to the left and you should be back home in a few minutes." I point...how she still manages to get so lost evades me.

"We got into a fight, and we won!" I wish I knew a silencing spell...

"Oh no! Oh Anders you're hurt...let me help..."

"No I'm quite fine Merrill."

"Don't be silly! Here." I feel a burning sensation as she attempts to heal my shoulder.

"Ow stop, stop...you're making it worse! Just get back home, we can handle ourselves." Her eyes get wide and watery.

"I only wanted to help. I tried, I know I'm not that good with healing magic. I'm sorry. I'll just go." I feel a particularly large blood vessel in head ready to burst, my patience is almost at an end for the night.

"Bye!" Issac waves mostly unaware of what has transpired. We begin our walk once more down the back streets of Lowtown, Issac humming slightly until we reach the steps leading to Darktown.

…..

Almost there... just a bit farther. Both of Issac's arm are draped over my shoulders, his hands clasping at the crook of my neck. His extra weight causing my staff to dig painfully into my back. The toes of his feet drag the ground leaving a trail in the loose debris that makes up the floor of Darktown. I see an Elven man look at me perplexed behind his shop stall.

"Too much to drink..." I tell him, he raises an eyebrow and shakes his head. "We must look the pair." I am talking more to myself than to him. I doubt he has the coherence anymore to really grasp the situation. He only responds by softly singing, the words are jumbled and do not make any sense. His lips slightly graze my neck as he sings, it sends a warm sensation through my entire being. Such sweet torture. I fight the urge to turn my head and claim those lips with my own.

**This obsession is a distraction, it is weakness.**

His goatee tickles slightly, what I wouldn't give to feel his face against my bare skin. His body flush against mine...There is nothing the disapproval in my mind can do to quell this want. But I know I'll never have it. My thoughts and desires will only be a shameful release when I am alone laying awake at night wishing my hand was his.

Finally we arrive at the clinic, and I am exhausted. Gently I slide Issac onto a cot, and cover his handsome bare chest with a torn blanket. "I'm sorry but that's the best I have. Here..." I walk over to a shelf and grab two small bottles. I place one delicately to his lips. "This will help you stay hydrated, it will also lesson the headache you're bound to have in the morning." I pull the cork from the second bottle, a lyrium potion, and take a gulp. I feel replenished and go about repairing the damage to my shoulder made worse by Merrill. Maybe I was to hard on her...

"Why are you so nice to me?" Issac mumbled interrupting my thoughts.

"What?"

"Why are you so nice to me?" He asks again. Before I know what I am saying the words fall from my lips.

"Because I love you." Panicked I look at his face for a reaction, but he is already asleep, snoring slightly. My secret safe for now.

**Emotions are a weakness.**

Yet they assure me I am still mostly human.


	18. Chapter 18

Pt 18

I don't know when I fell asleep, or how I ended up with my head resting on the edge of the cot Issac was occupying...was... When I awoke he was gone. The ragged blanket I had covered him in last night unceremoniously laying in a heap on the floor. It was all for nothing...he could not forgive me. I wouldn't forgive me. I climb into the empty cot. It smells of booze and stale sweat, but I didn't care. The sheets twist in my hands, I bury my face in them to muffle a choked sob. Why can't I do anything right?

It feels like hours as I lay there alone. I can't do this anymore. I need to get out of here, I have to get my mind off of everything...There is so much blood on my clothes...I rise from the cot, and attempt to clean them using magic. For all my effort a large stain still remains. Where would I go that anyone would care? Who do I know that would actually care?

…..

It is not the first place I pictured going, but somehow my feet had plans my mind couldn't comprehend. Maybe because I realized Varric would be there. Varric, he was one of Issac's companions that I found agreeable. He had told me before that If I ever wanted to stop by the Hanged Man he'd buy me a drink. I could use one...I could use several...

**This is unacceptable, we still have much work to do!**

I'm taking a day off

**Weakness**

What am I to do? Storm the Gallows myself? We have to wait on our inside contacts, when we get word of Alrick stepping outside the Gallows' protection, when we are able to corner him, when he is vulnerable, then we can strike.

**We could be making preparations then.**

I need some time.

…..

"Blondie! Just the mage I wanted to see. Have a seat." Varric motions towards an empty stool. "So I heard from Daisy that Hawke gave you a fair bit of trouble last night." He smirked.

"She didn't know the half of it."

"Judging by that stain you're probably right. She also said you were a bit grumpy." He shot me a glance.

"You try dragging a drunkard to Darktown, getting attacked by bandits, having your shoes vomited on, then having a blood mage try to heal you. My shoulder still hurts!" I wanted to keep a playful tone, no need slipping into arguments and unpleasantries.

"I'm just saying give the girl a break sometimes. She's a sweet kid." He responded earnestly.

**CONSORT OF DEMONS! BLOOD MAGE! All the things that are a bane to our cause!**

"I just cannot ignore what she is Varric." I try to hide Justice's anger as it swells to the surface.

"Just go easier on her ok." He sighs giving up. I do not respond. I cannot promise kindness or understanding to any willing blood mage, not even for Varric. "Enough of that, so Blondie let me know, was Hawke a mess this morning or what?" I feel the empty ache in my chest.

"He left, he left before I woke up." And then I sobbed like a fool in the cot he slept in... for hours. Anything else you'd like to know?

"Oh, well...he was probably embarrassed. If he could remember any of that night he defiantly should be! They found that broody elf curled up in the corner over there. He just stumbled to his derelict mansion just a few short hours ago!" I am grateful at the change in subject. Somehow I think he feels it too.

"So how much coin did you have to slip the owner to allow any of your friends back in?"

"More than I would like to admit, way more than I'd like to admit." We shared a hearty laugh. It was nice to spend time with Varric. It reminded me of the camaraderie I felt that short breadth of time with the Wardens. Before Commander Cousland left, before that damn Templar Roland... Before I became this monster...No, I don't want to go there, not now. I fight the memories from surfacing.

"You up for a game of Diamondback Varric?"

"Ha, sounds good to me Blondie."

…..

The evening has come upon us. I am down several silvers, but I doubt he really holds it against me. He wants to hear my stories. About my escapes from the Circle, about the talking Darkspawn and the Architect during my time with the Gray Wardens. In short he wants to know about me. It is something I am not accustomed to. It is nice to know I have one friend left seeing as I have lost Bethany to the circle, and Issac to my jealous heart. Speaking of my time with the Wardens also seems to soothe Justice.

"So I overheard an interesting rumor." He interrupts my thoughts as he shuffles the deck. "Probably something you'd like to know about."

"Oh, whats that?"

"I've heard about a mage underground movement." A knot forms in my stomach. "I've heard they've got a guy whose over seven feet tall, can down Templars with a snap of his fingers, can even cast spells under his breath, some say he's two faced but.."

"Varric...fine fine I see where you are going." How can he know, we have done our best to conceal all of our actions...

"Look Blondie, just be careful ok. I wouldn't want to start paying to keep people off your back now. I don't think I could afford the Templar's steep prices." It is strange to see such concern on his face instead.

"I would never ask anyone to stick their neck out for me unwillingly...and I think I may be ready for another ale." I nervously chug the rest of the glass I have been nursing for hours, Justice affords me this.

…..

Two drinks just two over the course of several hours and I feel so woozy. Forget Issac, I tired to make up for what I did. I tried...I got shot in the shoulder, he ripped the damn bolt out for Andraste's sake. I walk back to the clinic, lighter by a fair amount of coin. Tomorrow, tomorrow we will be strong for the cause again, tomorrow, we will rise to fight injustice again...I reach the clinic...Issac sits in the dirt by the door.

"Issac..." I don't know what else to say. He turns and a nervous smile forms across his lips.

"I wondered when you'd come back. I've been waiting here, for a bit...I brought you some stew...I think its gotten cold." He explained, eyes planted to the ground.

"Issac...I...just come in...come in for a second...I think maybe...we need to talk yes?" Words sputtered out of my mouth, I did not expect him, I did not expect him ever again.

"Yeah...that sounds good."

…..

Here he was again, we were alone again, together again...it must have meant something right? Why he returned, why he brought me more of that Maker forsaken stew. I lead him in unlocking my doors, lighting some lanterns when we pass by. We take seats, this time facing each other in parallel cots.

"Anders...I'm...I'm...I don't know. I'm sorry I ran off like that. When I woke up... I was still pretty messed up. I saw your clothes, and my hands...all covered in blood. I panicked."

"So you thought you killed me...and ran away?" It was not a pleasant scenario.

"Maker no Anders, I was still drunk, all messed up, I didn't know what was going on at all. I panicked and left. When I came too I was asleep on the steps of my home. I didn't remember much. Later I talked to Merrill who filled me in somewhat, I got scolded by Aveline, and that filled me in some, and on the way down here to thank you I ran into my old mate Tomwise. He told me that you carried me." A faint blush spread over is cheeks. "I just felt so...indebted to you. I tried to bring you something to eat, but you weren't here. I waited." Such a sweet gesture. "I'm sorry its cold..." He sighed. How I want to just throw myself at him, lavish his lips with my own, whisper softly in his ear I love you...I love you...I never want to lose you again. "Anders are you ok?"

"Oh...just thinking, that's all. Look Issac I..." The words are heavy in my mouth, mind battling heart over what comes next. "I...wanted to apologize for what I said about Isabella."

"Its ok, we're over...I don't know if we ever really started... I kept trying to convince myself that she would come around, that she could care for me as I cared for her." He sighed.

"Did you love her?" I don't know why I'm asking.

"I thought I did, I don't know, I don't even know what love is." He lowers his head. I move to his cot and put a nervous yet comforting arm around his shoulder...I want to do more, I want to show him what love is...

"When you fall in love you'll know Issac." The ache when you are not with me, the madness when you are, the way you are always...always creeping into my thoughts morning...night. How I want to protect you from everything and hold you tight against me...forever.

"I'm sorry we didn't make up sooner. I missed having you around, although I wouldn't admit it to myself." He laughed slightly and I slid my arm back down to my side.

"Men tend to have a bad habit of being such prideful creatures. I did not seek you out either so it is my fault as well. Plus I didn't want you to hit me again." I smile, but he frowns...his hand...he lightly touches the skin near my eye...My heart races...I could die...I could just die from this torment.

"I'm sorry I reacted like that. Did I hurt you?"

"No, I'm a healer remember." He lowers his surprisingly soft hands. You did hurt me then, you are killing me now.

"So we are friends again?"

"Of course." I answer hating the fact that we cannot be more. He rises from the cot grinning.

"Great because I have had so many injuries in the last couple of months without you! I'll see you soon Anders, you know me, I'll have plenty of work for us to do." And like that he is gone, he is gone and the ache returns.

**Weakness**

I know

**Obsession**

I know

**He will be the death of us.**


	19. Chapter 19

He wasn't joking when he said that he had plenty of work for us to do. In no time we were running around again doing random tasks for Issac's numerous acquaintances. The worst of it was he picked up some damn Chantry boy that we helped out a few years back. Such an annoyance, such blind conviction in the laws of the Chantry! He had the nerve...actually had the nerve to ask me if something bad had happened to me in The Circle. As if being stolen away from my family as a frightened boy, forced into isolation at the tower, and being kept as a slave to the Templars was not enough. No things did happen to me Sebastian, things I will not discuss with you, things I do not tell anyone. The Templars are bad enough, yet they are only the arm. The Chantry is the head, controlling the actions of the body, spewing poison words from its mouth, corrupting the heart. Change cannot start with an arm, change starts with the mind...

It seems my thoughts are weighty today indeed. I guess its what happens when I keep to myself. Issac in his infinite wisdom has decided to bring to bring on today's quest Chantry boy and the Broody elf...wonderful. I'm sure in his mind he believes that this will somehow be a bonding experience. I am glad that Sebastian seems to have a ridiculous fascination with Fenris. It keeps their attention focused elsewhere. Justice grumbles about in the recesses of my mind, not overwhelmingly forceful, just the desire to see me engage the two in fierce debate...is it so wrong just to wish for peace and quiet once in awhile?

"Is everything alright Anders?" Issac has slipped back, walking beside me now. That stupid smile...that stupid sexy smile.

"Yes sorry...I was just thinking. Excuse me for not wanting conversation with the uh...present company."

"Aw come on Anders I know they might not always see eye to eye with you but..."

"Don't." I cut him off. I do not want to be so short with him, I also don't want to start glowing blue. "Issac its people like them...they just don't understand. They are just blind to the injustice around them. They live their lives ignoring the plight of a people, a people systematically abused for thousands of years!"

"Do not speak of abuses mage! What of the abuses I have suffered at the hands of your kind?" Fenris snarls...No! No! No! Why did he have to be eavesdropping? I cannot control the anger surging forward...suddenly though I realize we are not alone.

" You are in possession of stolen property. You will release the slave into our custody at once!" Yells a man from atop a nearby outcropping of rock. It seems like someone has finally come to reclaim their elf...

"Fenris belongs to no one!" Issac growls at the man.

"I am not a slave!" The elf is savage, lunging at the other men who have slowly began to encircle us. With one clean swipe of his great sword two of the men fall to the ground...missing their heads. Maybe angering him is not the best option. I take my eyes of them to scan the battlefield, three of our attackers are clustered close together making a charge. Foolish of them really. I cast a glyph of paralysis stopping them in their tracks. Sebastian makes short work of them, an arrow finds an easy path to each one's skull with a sickening sound reminiscent of striking a ripe melon. Issac ascends the rock formation to take on two others. His shield bashes the mage in the face and he topples several feet off the outcropping and unto the ground. He starts trading blows with the second man, and I give him a hand casting winter's grasp freezing his opponent in place as Issac lands a deadly blow with his axe. He looks down smiles, but...what is he...? Issac leaps off the rocks and brings his axe down...Shit... how long was that man behind me? I turn to see the bloody mess. Issac is removing his axe from the juncture of the man's head and neck.

"Anders...are you ok?" He breathes heavily rushing to my side.

"Yes...I didn't even hear him come up behind me. Thank you..." Its rather unnerving how easily that backstabbing bastard could have dispatched me.

"Please be more careful Anders! I don't want to lose you...I mean...where would I be without my healer." That cannot be a blush on his face...no of course not, its just red from the heat, and the excitement of battle. I should really stop imagining things that are not there. I notice the slaver mage is trying to crawl away, Fenris is not far behind. He grabs the mage by the hair, forcing him to look at his snarling visage.

"Where is he!" he slams the mage's head into the hard ground. Such a brute, a beast. The mage tells him what he knows, about someone named Hadriana sending them, he tells that wild dog where she is hiding and begs to be let go. Fenris responds by quickly snapping the man's neck.

….

I don't like the smell of these caves. The scent of fresh blood and the dull traces of vile magics hang like a fog. Of course the elf makes a dramatic show of every new example of the horrible practice that is blood magic. Blind to me blind to how I deplore it! He thinks all of my kind would stoop so low... Issac attempts to calm him, ha no use there. He is enraged, one short step away from foaming at the mouth I'd say. He snaps at Issac when Issac offers to help a frightened elf girl. Of course Issac is going to pay her...idiot...his anger clouds everything.

….

She is dead before him. He had promised her that he would spare her life...She told him he had a sister, told him where she was... and he broke his word. Of course a bloodmage should not be tolerated, but to give his word...Ah now like expected he starts digging into mages again!

"Fenris, you know they are not all like that." Issac says gently.

"And who would you have me see as a good example? Merrill...Anders?" he spits

"There are worse examples." I muse out loud.

"What has magic touched that it hasn't spoiled." He turns Issac grabs him by the shoulder.

"Fenris do you want to talk about it?" Issac so caring, genuine, true, and that bastard just shakes him off, and yells about wanting to be left alone.

"Should we go after him? His soul seems in much turmoil." Sebastian quietly questions.

"No" Issac says heavily. "Somethings you do have to work out on your own." I agree, and I am glad that we can leave this mess behind us.

…..

Its been a few weeks since the episode with Fenris, and things could not be going worse. Templars have started sniffing around Darktown on rumors of apostates hiding amongst the refugees. They haven't found my clinic yet, but I am tense none the less. The mage underground floats new information to me everyday. Abuses in the circle, the Knight-Commander is cracking down it seems. To add to this Isabella is waiting outside the door as I open the clinic for the day.

"And what do you want?" I am surprised to see her.

"Its a problem of a rather...delicate nature...may I come in?" She is a little flustered, and I am a healer, so I agree.

"So what seems to be the probl...what are you doing!" She yanks down her scant panties and points to a rather disgusting looking rash. "Hanging out with fellows at the docks I see." Serves her right.

"Oh shut up and just fix it!"

"You can pull those up now." I focus and send some healing magic to her...area. In response she lets out a low moan. "Maker...Isabella...Seriously!"

"Oh I can't help it if its all warm and tingly." She sighs.

"Humph, well let me get you a salve as well. Apply twice a day until the redness is gone." I thrust it into her hands, as I notice Issac meander in. She begins to leave. I cannot resist the urge. "And don't come crying to me next time you get one of these diseases."

"Isn't that the point of magic." She quips shooting Issac a glance.

"Uh I don't even want to know do I?" He asks a bit wide eyed.

"Don't worry. If she gave something like that to you, you'd know within a week." The poor man, maybe I shouldn't have shouted out that last bit. He changes the subject quickly.

"So how has everything been?"

"Things keep getting worse. I practically had Templars on my doorstep the other night!"

"Don't tell me these things. I might have to lock you up to keep them off of you." Is his face red...no..trick of the light. He must be trying to lighten the mood. I know my subject of conversation tends to lean a bit on the heavy side.

"They're not so interested in me as...destroying all my kind and all I represent. Issac...the Knight-Commander is out of control. Her own people are talking about it. There are curfews, midnight raids on mage's families. So many I know are forced into hiding so they won't be made tranquil!" He would appreciate the seriousness of the situation. He has always been on the side of mages.

"Anders...If they want you, they'll have to go though me first." Does he mean that...no he means that in how he would protect any of his friends.

"That's what I worry about... Just being with me is a risk. The Knight-Commander has declared supporting apostates a hanging offense. The thought of them hurting you...Everything I've done to control this..." The thought of them taking him because of me...hurting him because of me...because of me...

"Anders..."

"I don't care I would drown us in blood to keep you safe!" Maybe not the most choice words...but this rage...I would...I would kill them all to keep him from harm.

"Anders...please...I don't want to see you lose yourself to the Templars...or to Justice..." He looks at me so sadly.

"How much is left if you strip both those out?" his frown deepens. "There will be violence. If tie yourself to me...I'll only hurt you." I want to keep him safe...but I also want him near me. I cannot force his decision to keep hanging around me. He has to know the risks, the dangers he puts himself in. I cannot ask him to sacrifice himself for me. It is torment wanting him, knowing it cannot be, and understanding the harsh truth he would be better off staying far away from me.

**We can use him. He supports the cause of justice.**

And here I thought you wanted rid of him.

**As a distraction. Not as a tool to be used.**

"Nothing would hurt as much as losing you...I mean as a friend you know...I won't abandon you Anders, but actually now I uh have to go. I just wanted to see how you were doing...Any trouble you know where to find me." He rushes through the last part and makes a hasty retreat. Maybe I did end up scaring him away after all.


	20. Chapter 20

No I didn't scare him away...he didn't listen. He stands nervously waiting for me to finish with a patient. "Now run along, and remember to be more careful." I tussle the boys hair. Poor lad had shattered his arm trying to climb into someones window. Probably to steal some food. "Here." I hand him a loaf of bread. It was supposed to be for my lunch today, but he needs it more than me.

"Thanks!" He grins ear to ear, and has such a lively spring to his step as he leaves.

"That was nice of you." Issac comments. " Hey, I need your help on something Anders. You remember that boy we helped?"

"No, enlighten me. I think one way or another we have helped half the citizens of Kirkwall personally." I tease coercing a smile from his lips.

"Fair enough. The one, Feynriel."

"The apostate boy we sent to the Dailish, yes of course I remember him. Is something wrong?" I had hoped it would all work out for the boy.

"He's dreaming...he can't get out...the Keeper, she says he is tempted by demons in the Fade." Issac explains.

"What does she propose we do?"

"Well...are you and Justice up for a short trip to the Fade?"

…..

**"I had not thought to return in such a way. It is good to feel the breath of the Fade again, not the empty air of your world."**

"Does that happen to every mage in the Fade?" I can't tell whether he is joking or not.

Do not embarrass me.

**What foolish fear is this. I have no time to listen to the incessant talk of your distractions.**

Fine, just...don't say anything to make him hate me.

**You want him gone, you want him close, what foolishness do you speak of now? We must focus.**

** "I am Justice, Anders has told you of me. Come I feel Feynriel's mind straining. We will not have much time."**

"Spirits, demons, abominations...what have I let you drag me into." It would be nice for Fenris to keep his mouth shut, seeing as I am not in control.

"I don't know, I think this Justice fellow is a bit on the dark and mysterious side. Its a little bit of a turn on." Isabella smirks.

Just ignore them.

**That is what we plan on doing. They are of no concern at the moment. **

…..

**"A demon of sloth. It exists to make men forget their purpose and their pride. Do not relax around it."**

"Call me Tobor...I have a proposition for you." The sloth demon hisses. Surely Issac will not deal with such a fiend.

**I will strike him down if he does.**

What?

**We will not treat with those who listen to the foul lies and temptations of demons.**

You'd cut Issac down? Just so fast?

**No we'd cut him down.**

"I don't deal with demons!" Issac growled striking the demon down with a savage blow. Its minions surrounded us but were quickly dispatched.

If I thought spirits could smile...I'd say you'd be smiling right now.

**He has demonstrated himself capable of resisting the call of demons. We are pleased.**

…..

"Those who are free to choose always want power. You think your friends are different?" The enormous pride demon spoke to Issac, angered that we denied him Feynriel, his dreamer. "Do you think this slave would choose you over his freedom." He motions towards Fenris.

"Cast your eyes elsewhere demon. I won my freedom from the Magistars long ago." The elf steps towards the demon.

"But you fear them still. They have left their marks on your body and your mind. With my aid you could be free forever. You would have power enough to challenge any who would chain you." The demon rasped. Surely Fenris of all could resist. That is why Issac brought him along.

"Fenris, you know its all just lies." Issac looks a bit worried.

"But to face them as an equal.." No I can't believe it. The elf turns back to the demon. "What would you want from me?"

"A moment of your time and nothing more." The demon is confident...I am still in disbelief.

Fenris turns on us, going after Issac first. Issac throws his shield up to protect himself from the heavy blows.

**"You must strike him down." **Justice yells from our mouth.

"But what will happen to him? What if, What if..." Issac parries a strike that comes dangerously close to his chest.

**"He has fallen to demons. Destroy him. He will have no lasting damage outside of the Fade." **Justice demands, pulling magic from our body freezing the elf into place. Isabella is focusing on the pride demon, using her superior dexterity to dodge its grasp, and inflict damage with her daggers. Issac hesitates then brings his axe down. Fenris is motionless, then his body disappears. We all turn now to face the pride demon.

…..

"Fenris...I thought he would be stronger than that. I thought he was my friend." Issac is speaking to himself aloud. Obviously in shock.

**"He was weak, yet he calls mages weak. Do not forget what you have seen here. Do not forget how easy it was for him to fall into the hands of demons." **He nods sadly at Justice, at me, at us.

…..

"Take away my pets and I'll take away yours. How loyal are these friends you drag into the Fade? Would your pirate queen stay if the open water beckoned? What do you say sweetheart, a two mast brigandine, square main topsail, a hundred well built lads to answer your every whim." The Desire Demon purrs seductively into Isabella's ear. I know she is lost to us already. "I know you've been looking for a stiff masthead." The demon runs its fingers along its breasts...

"Hmmmmm." Isabella sways, lost to the demons charm and promises.

"Isabella...what are you doing? Did I mean so little to you that you'd betray me?" His expression is so very pained. She would hurt him again like this...

"Oh sweet thing, I like big boats and I cannot lie." She leaps to attack him.

"Anders...I mean Justice...you do it I can't." Issac cries dodging her swift daggers.

**"Weakness." **We dispatch her with several well placed spells, and no mercy.

…..

"I...I meant nothing to her. I meant nothing..after all we...I was just some lay when she was bored, just some distraction when she grew tired of everything else. I knew it was over I just thought..I just thought...I was worth more than that to her." My heart breaks for him. I appreciate him. He means so much to me.

**"She was weak. It is no time to dwell on your strange mortal mating rituals."**

I asked not to embarrass me.

**We have no concept of such things.**

"Its ok Justice, I knew you wouldn't understand. I just thought maybe... can Anders hear me?" He looks at the ground. I don't know how to feel. I guess he just wishes for a friend, some who hasn't betrayed him.

** "I am Anders, I am Justice. We hear you."**

"Never mind. I'll talk to him after we're out of here." He sighs.

…..

The boy is safe. He is on his way to Tevinter, good thing the elf was not present for that. He and Isabella looked shamefaced when confronted with Issac.

"I'll talk to you guys later. I need some time to think." They offer no words and part from us. "You saw everything." he asks.

"Yes, I did. I'm sorry. I hope Justice didn't put you off any."

"No he was...direct. Anders, they all...so easily...I just don't understand. Would Merrill, Aveline, Varric betray me too?" I am at a loss. I do not know what to say to comfort him.

"They all care about you Issac. Demons have a way of getting into people's heads. They promise them the things they dream of. They make it sound so easy. Start listening to one and they can fill your head with so many lies they appear to be truths." I try. I don't want to skirt what our companions did, but demons can be persuasive. If they were not so many would not fall to them.

"Did they ever promise things to you?"

"Yes. I am a mage. They promised me things all the time." During my harrowing...it was the worst.

"What did they promise? I'm sorry if I am prying..." expectantly he gazes at me.

"Freedom."

…..

He told me that he would stop by in a few days after he sorted through the mess with Fenris and Isabella. Maybe he will bring them around less...that could be pleasant. I'd still have to put up with the Bloodmage, Chantryboy, and Captain Manhands...at least Varric will be around. Issac walks in hiding something behind his back.

"I got you something Anders." He hands me the box he was hiding behind his back.

"You got me a gift? I hardly think I've done anything to deserve that." The box was obviously hand wrapped...rather sloppily. A gift does this mean...no of course not. I'm being foolish again. I peel back the wrappings and open the box... "That a Tevinter Chantry Amulet. Do you want me to get executed? Its sacrilege to wear them any land under the divine!" How could he think I'd want such a thing, another target on my head!

"I'm...no no I don't want you to get executed, I just thought...well the Divine condemned the Tevinter Chantry for freeing their mages from the circle... I thought you could...never mind its stupid I'll take it back." I had his meaning all wrong. A symbol of mage freedom, a symbol of subversion to the Chantry of the Divine. It was truly a thoughtful gift indeed.

"No I like it. I do. Well not maybe on the outside of my clothes. I'm not that eager to face the hangman's noose. I do appreciate the thought. I've never considered what life would be like in the Tevinter Chantry. In the Circle they make it sound like the Void itself. The Black Divine stalking Thedas, making unsafe for kittens and virgins."

"Ha well maybe those kittens and virgins will have to find a nice strong mage to protect them." He's teasing me, I'm glad he's let my first reaction to the gift slide. I laugh.

"From what I hear about the Tevinters that's the last thing they'd want. The virgins anyway...I've never heard of any horrific Kitten rituals. I appreciate the gift Issac. Maybe one day I can return one just as meaningful." Did this mean something? Am I fooling myself into seeing whats not there.

"I'm really glad you like it Anders. I have to get going, you know me...always busy." I swear he is blushing.

"Alright then I'll see you later." When he leaves I tuck the amulet under my clothes, the metal smooth against my chest, against my heart. Justice stirs, but nothing can spoil this moment.


	21. Chapter 21

Word had arrived. The note scrawled in code in the usual hiding place. Inside sources from The Gallows confirm Alrik will move tonight to hone in on a young circle runaway. It is time to put an end to this monster. We will have our vengeance. I hurry back to the clinic.

He will help us

**He will**

"You there." I call for a man I healed not too long ago. "Here." I scribble down a message for Issac. "Take this to the old Amell estate and give it to Issac Hawke." I hand the note and a few silvers with it. "Please hurry."

"Sure...anything." He takes off.

…..

"Anders I got the message. You said you needed help so I brought Varric and Merrill for backup." Well at least it isn't Fenris and Sebastian this time.

"Issac, Have you noticed how many Tranquil are in the Gallows courtyards lately, don't tell me I'm just sensitive to it. I've been watching. And everyday there are new Tranquil, selling their bloody wares. Good mages too, people I know have passed their Harrowing."

"Isn't that against Chantry law?"

"Exactly! The Templars are using the rite of Tranquility to silence those who speak against them. They are working on a deliberate plan to turn every mage in Kirkwall in the next three years." His eyes are wide.

"Bethany..." He whispers.

"It is a plan by a Templar named Ser Alrik, nasty piece of work. I've had a run in with him myself." He hasn't moved an inch.

"Bethany...she wrote about him."

"What?" If he has done anything to her...

"She said she's avoiding him. He frightens her." Issac's panicked face turns fierce.

"He also did the ritual...on Karl. He's a sadist, a monster. He likes to make mages beg." I feel it the anger...Justice. Very soon, very soon.

"We have to stop them. How do we do it?" He hammers his fist to accentuate the point.

"My friends in the Mage Underground know of a secret passage way that leads under the Gallows. Come with me tonight, help me find the evidence of this Tranquil Solution." I know he will help...he has to...

"I'd never let you face this alone."

"You are the one bright light In Kirkwall...I've always feared being made Tranquil. Now more than ever." I know he'd never let that happen to me. And if it somehow did, I pray he has the strength to kill me.

…..

"Blondie slow down." Varric calls.

"I think I stepped on a rock...I know I should have worn shoes with soles..." Merrill stops to rub her foot.

"We don't have time for this!" We are getting close I can feel it.

"Shhh..." Issac motions for us to listen. "I hear voices. Lets take this corner slowly." He whispers. My heart races, and my jaw clenches. Every part of me is tense. I have to control this...

"No please...I haven't done anything wrong." A young girl. The Mage discovered missing by Alrik.

"Thats a lie." He says in a sickeningly smooth tone. "What do we do to mages who lie?"

"I just wanted to see my mum. No one told her where they were taking me." The rage comes...the girl...a tale so familiar, no I have to keep control.

"So you admit your attempted escape. You know what happens to mage girls who don't tow the line around here. Don't you?" A disgusting grin creeps across his face.

"No please...don't make me Tranquil...I'll do anything!" She pleads.

"That's right, once your Tranquil...you'll do anything I ask." He is licking his lips...bastard...no...its too much. I want it too, I want to rip him asunder. Issac yells for them to let her go...it is downed out by the blood pounding in my head...yes...they deserve this...they deserve justice.

**"You fiends will never touch a mage again!"**

Their screams are a sweet melody. We don't even need magic. We could easily rip every single on of them apart piece by piece. The others fight beside us, we pay them no mind. It is Alrik we want. We will have him. His fearful expression as he attempts to fight us, we could call it amusing. There is no hope for him. No escape. His sword passes through the flesh of an arm, it is nothing. We bind him with magic. We want to hear him scream, to beg like he made so many mages beg.

"What...What...are you..." He manages to choke out.

**"We are Justice. We are the cause of mages. We are vengance for Karl Thekla. You will beg Templar."**

"No don't kill me...please..." The blade attached to our staff pierces his skull. Blood slowly dripping from the wound. It is beautiful. Fear perfectly etched into his face in death as a reminder to others who would oppose us. But it is not enough...

**"They will die! I will have every last Templar for these abuses!"** No...we can stop now.

"Its over Anders...they're all dead." Is that Issac?

**"Everyone of them will feel Justice's burn!"** We have to stop.

"Get away from me demon!" The girl no.

**"I am no demon! Are you one of them that you would call me such!" **Why can't I...we...

"Anders stop! She is a mage, we saved her from being made tranquil. Please Anders!" Issac...

**"No she is theirs, I can feel their hold on her."**

"She is the reason you're fighting...don't turn on her!" We have to stop...I have to stop. Enough! His hold weakens. I am about to strike the shaking girl down. No...I stagger, feeling my control return.

"Maker no. I almost...Issac if you weren't here...I...I need to get out of here." To the clinic, yes take what I need. I have to get out of Kirkwall, go somewhere I cannot harm people. I am a monster, a monster.

…..

"Trash, trash, keep, trash...won't be needing that anymore." I rummage through my meager possessions. I hear him behind me. Shame wells up inside.

"Anders, you're upset. We need to talk about it." His voice gentle, how can that be after he's seen me for what I truly am.

"Upset doesn't even begin to cover it. You were the only thing keeping me from murdering an innocent girl. Its all gone wrong...Justice and I. We're just a monster, same as any abomination." I am shaking. Its true...what have we done?

"You were out of control, but even then you heard what I was saying. You knew in your heart that you had to stop." I wish he would stop trying to comfort me...I deserve none.

"You put too much faith in me. Without you I wouldn't have known who was there until it was too late. How can I fight for the freedom of mages if I am the example of the worst that freedom brings." My hand moves to clutch the Amulet under my clothes.

"Mages can be dangerous. That's why this is so hard, You can make yourself the proof that they can control their powers Anders. I know you can." He is so sincere, so trusting. It will someday be he downfall I just know it.

"I don't know how...how can I even trust myself to heal anymore. What if that creature of vengeance turns on a patient. Will he...will I resist...or will I loose his fury?" Can I take that risk anymore...can I take the risk to be around Issac. What if I turn on him?

"I'll help you through this Anders, I promise." I wish he wouldn't. If this cannot push him away...what will? "Look at it this way. We got rid of Ser Alrik right. Knight-Commander Meredith will look down right reasonable compared to him." He tries for a smile. I cannot reciprocate. "I found these papers on Alrik after you left. I thought you should take a look at them." He hands me the parchment. It can't be...

"The Divine rejected the Idea...Meredith rejected the idea...this was not what I expected." It is not as bad as it could be...only Alrik and a few followers embraced the Tranquil Solution. "Perhaps I should talk to the Grand Cleric, maybe she is more reasonable than I thought." Then it hits me, yes the Grand Cleric. I shall frame my arguments. Write down the points they have against mages having freedom, and refute them. I do not have to resort to violence if she can see...

**This will not bring Justice.**

And almost killing that girl...that is the course we should take?

Justice is silent. We share the shame . We were out of control. We must learn to contain this anger, this fury. If we cannot...I fear...I fear what we will do.

…..

"Anders...Anders...Hey. Wake up!" Everything is blurry.

"Huh...oh Issac...what are you doing here." I'm sitting at my desk. I slowly lift my head, parchment sticking to me face.

"You fell asleep at your desk again." He laughs peeling the page from the side of my face.

"I guess so...I'm just so busy now. I have to write this, make it perfect, but I cannot neglect my patients, or you when you need a healer...Yawn..." I have rededicated myself to this purpose. To my Manifesto. I have to try to make them see. "There never seems to be enough time in the day for everything."

"You've been at this nonstop for weeks, and right after...everything that happened." I wince not wanting to think of what I almost did. "I think you need a break." He smiles giving me a hand out of the chair.

"Issac...you know I can't. There is so much work to be done." I have to focus.

"You'll be no good to anyone if you keep up this pace. Come on I have an idea. It'll be fun I swear!" Fun? I haven't thought about doing anything...fun...in ages.

"Well then what do you have in mind. I'm not promising anything." I warn.

"When things would get tense at home in Lothering, like when there were more Templars in town than usual, Da would take Carver, Bethany, and I out camping. We always had a good time." He can't be serious.

"I think I've had enough of roughing it when I fled from the circle." Shivering in the cold...trying to find shelter at night...scrounging for food to keep from starving.

"Please...come on...you'll like it I promise!" He's so endearing.

**Distraction.**

I need this...when I fell asleep I ruined three pages with drool.

**This does not further our cause.**

Oh but it furthers my cause for sanity.

"I guess, we'll only stay out a night. I cannot afford to lose anymore time. So who is coming?"

"Um...you...and me." He kicks at the dirt floor looking down. "I mean Varric doesn't really like the outdoors...and I know you won't get any relaxation around Fenris or Sebastian, and it is kinda a guys only trip so...yeah it looks like its just you and me...Is that ok?"

"Yes...I...thats fine..." I cannot be imagining this. He's just be trying to be a good friend. That's all. Yes, that must be it.

"I'll meet you at my place in the morning then..."


	22. Chapter 22

"You know mages aren't really built for hiking." Its unbelievable hot on the Wounded Coast today. Feathered pauldrons and a heavy coat...maybe not the best wardrobe choice.

"Oh come on didn't you walk across half of Ferelden to get away from Templars." He laughs slowing down a bit so I can catch up.

"It wasn't really by choice. I had to move or they'd find me. That simple. Of course they ended up finding me most of the time anyway." Every bloody time. "Anyway are you sure its safe out here? Don't we usually run into...oh I don't know bandits, giant spiders, and Quinari among other things." A valid concern...He continues walking confidently ahead.

"Oh those things aren't out here all the time."

"They pretty much are..."

"Don't be silly...hey look over here." He runs towards a tree. "We used to have a lot of these around Lothering. I used to climb them all the time, I fell from a few of course." Issac chuckles at himself.

"I could see that." I smile picturing him as a silly boy, falling from trees, bruises and scrapped knees. I wish I could have such memories.

"The best part about these trees were..." He hoists himself up disappearing in the thick foliage. "The fruit." A red orb zooms past me. "You were supposed to catch that...Here." He lobs another and I can't help but throw my hands up in front of my face. "Anders just catch it..."

"Sorry...When I see something speeding towards my face, I tend not to want to get hit." I reply sarcastically. What is he trying to do anyway? Issac leaps from the tree like a limber beast. I can't help but watch the muscles of his arms and chest...Maker why does he have to run around like that?

"What if I stand right here." He is a few feet away from me, and tosses one of the apples underhanded. I catch it.

"See I'm not that uncoordinated."

"Step back."

"Why?"

"Just do it." I take a few steps back. "Now throw it to me."

"Fine." I chuck the fruit, hard, hoping it will go over his head. Issac springs upward barely catching it.

"Oh that's how you want to play then. I was going to take it easy on you." He smirks winding his arm.

"I want no special treatment, show me what you've got!" I can't believe it...I'm actually enjoying this. He releases the apple and it flies far above my head.

"You better run Anders, and magic is cheating!" He laughs as I take off. Stupid no magic rule...he has a natural advantage on me. The apple falls...I dive...I clutch it in my hands.

"Ha, you didn't best me, even without magic!" Its foolish to be proud of such a thing, but I am. Echos of distraction, obsession, are ever present. The toothy grin on his face helps drown it out.

"Well done Ser Mage, it seems you are not as frail and brittle as some would have us believe." He walks over and claps a hand on my shoulder. "See I knew you would have a good time once you loosened up." Its unbearably hot on the Wounded Coast today...

…..

"Issac, you are going to slip on those rocks!" I swear if he splits his head open and I have to heal him...

"Hold on I want to see if there is anything under these rocks." He yells back.

"Mud, and water. Now come on." I can just see him tumbling in.

"But don't you want to eat like crab, or maybe some mussels. Who know what delicious things hide in this rocky shore." Hmm I think I may know of a trick...

"Issac get back here. I'll find us something."

"Ha, no way. You'd fall on these rocks and break your arse. " He teases, shooting a grin.

"Want to bet?"

"Oh now? A bet, you sure that's the just thing to do, betting and all?"

"You think your clever don't you?" I can't help but be amused.

"Most of the time no, right now yes."

"Ok you cheeky bastard, name your terms, but this time, I get to use magic."

"Fine." He makes his way off the rocks. "If you succeed I'll set up both tents...if not you set them up...without magic."

"Sounds fair, shall we shake on it then?" I extend a hand and he clasps it firmly. "You may want to stand back." He snorts in disbelief. "Fine, don't say I didn't warn you." Staff in hand I walk closer to the crashing shore. Scanning the water I look for telltale signs of activity...ah there. A few glimmers of silver rise above the waves. I focus my mana casting a glyph of repulsion in that very spot, and duck. Fish and debris fly in every direction. Several fish end up flopping on shore close by. I turn back to Issac.

"A fish hit my head." He pouts.

"And who is the clever one now?"

"Once again I have underestimated you Ser Mage. I will make it a point not to do it again." He bows playfully.

…..

"No way, Aveline? Are you serious?"

"Yeah, its true you can ask anyone who was there."

"She gave him a copper relief of marigolds?" Issac's latest outing with the Guard-Captain seemed particularly interesting. Part of me wishes I could have been there. He fills me in as we set up camp.

"Oh and it gets worse. She changed his patrol to the square in Hightown, one of the cushiest assignments a city guard could get. He thought she was punishing him." He places the canvas around the poles that form the tent frame.

"That poor Donnic fellow. Do continue."

"Then she wants us to bring three goats and a sheaf of wheat to his mother." He snorts trying to contain his laughter.

"Oh we really shouldn't be laughing at her Issac...but...its just too funny." I feel almost normal around him...like I can just relax, talk about random things, like I don't have to carry all this weight alone.

"So she has me meet him at the Hanged Man, she told me she would meet up there later. Of course she chickens out at the last minute, and I'm left a little too tipsy and looking like a fool." He ties the canvas in place.

"I can hardly imagine her being afraid of anything."

"I know...I only joke about it because it all worked out in the end. We cleared out a patrol route so she could talk to the man...It was just awful. The subject of swords...not very romantic."

"Oh I don't know, a long, hard, thing you can penetrate someone with..." I can't believe I'm making this joke.

"Anders' you're terrible!" He's roaring with laughter.

**Distraction, foolish distraction.**

…..

"Maker, its so hot..." Sweat soaks my clothes.

"Stop whining."

"I'm not whining, I'm roasting!"

"Then take off your coat. You're pale enough, some sun would do you good." Its midday and I am trying to stay in the shade.

"Not everyone is as indecent as you."

"True, but then again not everyone has a fabulous tan like me...and I'm not cooking in a coat." Are we...flirting?

"Fine, you and your overwhelming logic." I fold the clothes neatly...Maker I am rather pale... "And now I feel silly. Thanks again Issac." He laughs, but stops abruptly eyes drawing a line to the amulet around my neck.

"You're wearing it?"

"Of course I am. You did give it to me with that intention did you not?"

"I just thought maybe you were just being nice about it. I didn't know you really liked it. I'm just glad is all." Issac Hawke...is interested...in me? No...of course not...just close friends. Close... comfortable enough to joke around like this.

**He is an obsession, this is weakness.**

…..

"I like it when its all clear like this and you can see the stars." We are sitting on a log facing a roaring fire. I think he's inched closer...The light from the fire dances on his bronze skin, my eyes trail down his chiseled body. No this is not what friends do, I turn my head.

"Yes it is nice. Its also nice to be out of Kirkwall. It tends to stink after awhile." smile to myself. "You know I did have a really good time today. The first in a long while." I notice his arm going up...is he? His blue eyes catch mine...he yawns nervously and his hand snaps back behind his head.

"Oh yeah...no problem. You looked like you needed a break. His hand slinks down dangerously close to mine...my hand moves closer...they are almost brushing against each other. I feel the palpitations...my heart racing.

"Yes I have been a bit...overwhelmed of late." Closer...lifting up to cover his... and...he moves his hand away unknowingly. With that the moment passes. I doubt I'll work up the courage to even try something like that again...How easy it used to be...when did this get so difficult? I guess I shouldn't have been making fun of the Guard-Captain's awkward courtship after all. "I should turn in...you know I have to be up early to head back. The clinic won't run itself." I make towards my tent somberly.

"Anders..." He calls softly. I don't look back.

"Yes?"

"I...I really like you Anders..." Those words...are they vague enough to still wonder? I want this more than anything...But how can he...I thought he didn't...

"I like you too." This is juvenile. I should just walk over there and show him how much I like him...but something still holds me back.

"Ah well...goodnight then." I hear him hastily retreat to his tent. I move to sit alone in my own.

**He will only get in the way of our justice...our vengeance.**

Yes, he is my distraction, my obsession, my weakness! I cannot...no, I will not hold back much longer


	23. Chapter 23

"Sleep well?" He asks avoiding eye contact.

"Yes, you?" I answer. I had a feeling that the morning would be awkward.

"Yeah...let's breakdown camp." He moves to start untying the canvas from the wooden frames.

Hardly a word is shared between us on the way back. I am not sure if it is for the best. Constantly the urge rises. Just push him down...take him on the sand, run hands along every muscled inch, dig fingers into blonde locks, cover those lips with my own. My mind wars. I have not wanted anything so much...with such intensity it hurts. Would giving in be so bad? I feel almost normal around him...like containing Justice, no...Vengeance...is not impossible. He shuffles along in silence and I can't help but wonder what he is thinking, what he is feeling? Does he ache for me? Is every second of my inaction a torment? Then again am I taking his actions, his words, and twisting them in my mind to my own desires?

Lost in thought I barley notice that we inch closer to Kirkwall. When I take in the surroundings...no...I have to do a double take at the girl standing next to a merchant's stall. She looks almost exactly like her...that face...the face that will haunt me forever I am sure. "Is that!" I seize up. She looks so much like her, the girl Vengeance almost, no, I almost killed.

"Anders...Anders whats wrong?"

"Sorry, I just thought for a second that girl over there. Never mind..." The panic subsides, but the short breaths and racing pulse do not. He turns toward me, I move away. This is what I needed, a reminder, a sign. Why I must not give in...

"Anders, its not her. She should be long gone by now." His hand is on my shoulder. "Come on, lets just get back ok?" As much as it hurts I shrug off his hand. I cannot even face him to see his reaction.

"It doesn't matter. I see her all the time...I...I can make it back to Darktown from here. Thank you again for the break, but I really have to get to my work." I don't even look back. How could I be so foolish as to think anything could ever be normal again, how could I be so selfish to even think of putting him in that kind of danger?

"Anders wait, please." His voice is pained. Its better this way. It is better to cause him a little pain now, than so much heartache later.

"I'll see you later..." Justice is sated, and I am miserable.

…..

"Plenty of rest now, and here" I hand the elderly woman an herbal potion I've concocted. "I want you to take this if the coughing returns." She gives me a toothless grin. It is nice to hear her breathing normally. She had come to the clinic wheezing and coughing, complaining about a tightness in her chest.

"Andraste bless you healer...I have little coin, but here take it, take it all." She holds out a small coin purse. I place my hand over hers wrapping the fingers around the coin purse.

"I require no payment." All I want is for people to see...see the good of mages...to not hate us for simply who we are. A tear runs down her wrinkled cheek as she nods and makes her way to the door. My eyes follow...Issac is standing in the door frame holding a bag. Why doesn't he understand? "Hello Issac. I'm sorry, but I'm afraid I'm terribly busy." A lie, the old woman was the last patient I had at the moment.

"I just brought you something to eat. I noticed this morning you didn't eat anything, and I guessed that you'd be too busy to get anything for lunch." He enters tentatively. He is right, I notice the cramp of emptiness in my gut, I just lose track of time... "Anyway if you are busy I'll just leave this here then." He places the bag on my cluttered desk.

"Issac..."

"Its fine. I understand. You're busy." No you don't understand...

"Wait." Against my better judgment I call to him. "I have time for a break I guess." What am I doing...I need to push him away...I have to push him away...

"I got you a sandwich." His expression brightens instantly.

"Anything sounds good right now."

…..

He sits next to me, neither of us look at the other as I eat in silence. Issac just stares at the dirty floor. "Did you not bring any for yourself?" Its unlike him...he is usually scarfing down anything edible.

"I don't see how you can think so badly of yourself." Shocked, I nearly choke.

"This isn't the time." I manage to sputter out.

"No? Then when is the time?" His tone is harsh, accusatory...

"Issac...listen...I..."

"No you listen, you listen to me once, just one time!" He interrupts, I don't know what to say. His gaze is hard, fist clenched and shaking. "I saw you now, I just saw you! You healed that old woman, you asked for nothing in return!"

"She had nothing to give."

"It doesn't matter, time and time again you act selflessly, courageously even for the sake of others, for the sake of mages!" He is flustered...he still doesn't understand.

"Issac please stop. I'm a monster please...you'd be better off..." He grabs me by the collar, his face inches from mine...is he going to...

"Don't tell me how I am to be! I've made my decisions." I want to close my eyes and push my lips to his... "You are the best man I know!" His eyes lock on mine...just do it...just do it already...he sighs and moves back. "I want to tell you something, something that only my family knows."

"Wha...what is it." I can't say I'm not disappointed at the sudden turn.

"We didn't always live in Lothering. There were a few close calls with Templars, and with others discovering Da and Bethany. One of the places we had to leave...it was my fault." His eyes lower again.

"What happened?"

"Against everything Da taught us, Bethany and I would sneak away from the rest of the family. She would show me what Da was teaching her. You see I was so amazed by the things she and Da could do...I just always wanted to see more. I didn't mean for it to put us in danger, but it did. It was my own damn fault. I was thirteen when it happened..." He grew silent and an expression of anguish crossed his face. "He told me to protect her...he told me to always protect her...There was a boy from the village, my age maybe a bit older. He saw, he saw her freezing some flowers for my amusement. He saw he and he screamed, he screamed calling her apostate...yelling to call the Templars. I, I had to stop him."

"Issac...what did you do?" It couldn't be that awful...he was just a boy after all.

"I took off after him, and I tackled him. I pinned him. I hit him. I kept hitting him. I couldn't stop. I was so scared and angry. It was my fault, I had put her in that danger...I just remember the blood...so much of it. Bethany had run home to get Da, and I remember he had to pull me off of the boy. It was almost too late...I had almost killed him. I just kept shaking as he tried to mend the boy with his magic."

"Did he..."

"Make it...yes...but we had to flee, we had to leave everything behind and run. I, I don't know what kind of lasting harm I did to that boy." He sought my eyes with such urgency. "Would you call me a monster? Do you think I am not worthy of finding any sort of happiness because of what happened?"

"Issac its different..." I look away.

"You stopped me when I was out of control when the Templars took Bethany. I helped stop you from hurting that girl when you were out of control." He stands and so do I leaving the sandwich half eaten on the ground. I don't know what to do...my heart is racing, my mind is fighting me.

**We cannot give into such temptations, distractions from our work!**

I am still a man...

"Anders..." He pushes me against the wall...I can't draw breath, my chest aches from want. His fingers grasp at my coat. "We need each..."

"HEALER, WE NEED THE HEALER" Someone is yelling from outside the clinic …no...no! Issac releases his hold on me.

"You'd better..." His face is red.

"Yeah...I know." And with that he is gone and I am left to mend the bones of another unfortunate refugee.

…..

I need to work on my arguments...I need to...His hot breath so close to my neck...no...I can't think about that...How he leaned into me when he pushed desperate as I... It is too much. I sit to write...He wants me...I shove the parchments to the floor...I know I don't even want to hear it! Before the thoughts even ring through my head I know I know...This is madness...I need him to carry on...can't you understand that! The thoughts don't even stay contained. I am shouting aloud. I need to do something calming...yes...

…..

"What are you doing?" Issac's frame fills my doorway again. I have to compose myself.

"Putting out milk. I miss having a cat around, but I think the refugees have scared them all off...or maybe eaten them. Issac I realized I've never thanked you. You don't need to put your neck out for the mages here...but you have." I step closer. "Someday we'll make a world where your sister can be free again."

"I almost lost it when they took Bethany...It would kill me if the Templars locked you up." He steps closer. His blue eyes so intense...I can't do this anymore.

"I've tried to hold back...you've seen what I am...but I am still a man...don't expect me to resist forever." I am shaking...distraction be damned. The blush spreads across his cheeks.

"I, I don't want you to hold back." I don't...I have been pushed over the edge...there is no chance to come back now. Its a blur as I reach out to him panting heavily as lips collide, no gentility, an expression of my desperation for his touch. My hands run through his hair, soft as I imagined. I feel his shock melt away and he returns the favor lips covering mine. It is better than anything I had dreamed before. His method sloppy and unpracticed, giving him the appearance of sweet innocence. I want to lose myself to him here...now...but considering the interruption that happened earlier...Its almost physically painful to do so, but I pull away.

"We could die tomorrow I didn't want it to be without doing that." I am tired of holding back, of playing foolish games with my own mind. He needs to know how I feel about him...that I love him.

"I've...never...felt this way about anyone." Issac looks down again, his nervousness showing.

"I thought with Justice...this part of me was over. You know I can't give you a normal life." He needs one more chance to leave...to do what will be best for him... "If you're with me you'll be hunted, hated, the whole world against us..." He silences me with his mouth back upon mine. He wraps his arms around.

"I don't," he kisses me firmly, "care." It is hard to break away a second time.

"Not here...if your door is open tonight I will come to you. If not...I'll know you took my warning at last."


	24. Chapter 24

I am going to be with Issac Hawke tonight...the very thought brings an equal amount of fear and excitement. I'm blessed with the good fortune of only having a few minor scrapes and injuries to tend to before I put out the lamp at the front of the clinic. There is only a low grumbling in my consciousness...Justice disapproves, but he knows, he knows that he cannot hold me back from this any longer. The clinic is now blissfully empty. My mind clears and the panic hits...Maker...what am I doing? Look at me...I feel my tangled loosely tied back hair...I'm dirty, I probably smell like Darktown...perhaps I should bathe beforehand.

…

Its sad that I use the same shallow basin to clean the wounds of patients as I do to hold the water I use to wash. Justice's influence has made me quite practical. It has also made me care less and less about my own appearance. The basin will not do for tonight. I believe I have something that I could use. I make my way to a storage closet in the back of the clinic. When I open the door its contents spill forth. There it is in the very back. I barely would be able to fit sitting down with my knees tucked up to my chest, but the copper tub would have to do, better than a basin and rag anyway. I drag it behind a curtain partition giving me at least some semblance of privacy. I have a fair amount of clean water left over from the day to use and I fill the tub halfway. I breach the cold water with my hands sending out warming magic. Its suitable. I neatly fold my garments as each layer comes off, last I remove the amulet and gently lay it on top of the pile.

It has been awhile since I have really looked at my body. I really have lost weight... and that scar on my chest... I grab a small mirror from a table nearby. Do I really look this old? I trace the wrinkles around the corners of my eyes. Issac is so youthful, handsome, muscular...what am I to him? I am a beaten down broken man. He deserves better...but he wants me. I sigh and lower myself into the small tub. I take great care to wash clean every last inch of myself, the water murky with the residue of sweat and the dust from Darktown. I just don't understand it...maybe years ago I could have seen it, comprehended it. That man was lighthearted, sharp dressed, I dare say handsome...and the earring, sometimes I do miss it. The man I was wouldn't have fallen in love though.

…..

I have nothing clean to wear, well at least I had a clean pair of smalls...I went to all that trouble to wash up and my clothes are not even clean. Maybe I won't need them for that long...Why am I assuming that this is automatically to lead to sex... Sex with Issac, a thought that lived in my fantasies, never to be considered a reality. He's never done that with a man...he's only been with one woman. Its not his inexperience that worries me. What if he ends up not enjoying being with a man? I assume that he will be wanting to take me right? Not that I mind anyway...I should bring some salve to ease the process. I can only imagine how awkward and uncomfortable it will be if I have to explain it. There I go again thinking that tonight he will be bedding me. My thoughts race as I give one final look in the mirror...not much more I can do...now its time to take the longest walk to Hightown I have ever known.

…..

One drink maybe...one to calm the nerves...I'm a wreck. I'm sure that one at the Hanged Man will hardly take any time. I walk briskly to the entrance of the tavern, and am immediately assaulted by the stale air. I throw a few copper on the bar and ask for an ale. Good a table in the corner is empty. It should be a nice spot to relax for a minute.

"Blondie! What a pleasant surprise, I thought you usually had be be dragged here!" Yeah...Varric practically lives here...how could I have not thought of that?

"Oh just a nightcap...had a particularly taxing day at the clinic. Going right to sleep after this." I lie through my teeth. Just go on back to your suite Varric, we can play cards another time.

"I think there is something you're not telling me Blondie...for once you're clean." He smirks, it is most annoying.

"Oh yes a tale of a young urchin vomiting on me is a fascinating one indeed, shall I regale you with it?" I hope my fabrication will sate his curiosity.

"Hmm...Then why are your clothes still dirty?" Damn cunning Dwarf.

"Is there a point to this line of questioning? Am I being interrogated for a reason?" I hope he senses the obvious agitation he is causing me.

"Oh you know me, always looking for a good story. I'd like to hear the one about why our fearless leader took Daisy, Choir-boy, and myself out to the Wounded Coast the other day under the guise of a very suspicious, and poorly worded contract to 'clear the area of hostiles'. You know anything about that?" That smug look...but what he said...

"I'm afraid I can't help you with that. I know nothing about it." I know my cheeks must be turning red.

"Just thought he might have mentioned something to you seeing as how much time he has been spending at that clinic of yours."

"Well he didn't. If you excuse me." I move to leave.

"Whats your hurry there? I'm sure you have nothing better to do, stay for a bit."

"I have to sleep, I'm tired...I'll see you later." As I leave I turn back...Varric is laughing to himself...he is walking over to...shit...I didn't even see her in here before. He whispers into Isabella's ear and she erupts in laughter...I cannot get out of here soon enough.

…..

And this is it...one more threshold to cross before I know if he has come to his senses or not. Its late, but I just couldn't bare his mother being awake knowing what could possibly happen tonight. The door...locked or unlocked? The impulse to just run crosses my mind. Do I fear his possible rejection even though I have all but physically shoved him away? The door...I pull at the latch...no resistance. He has made his choice. He has chosen me. Whether it be for both of our good, or the biggest disaster of our lives, he has chosen, and I cannot push him away again.

I try to quietly creep up the stairs... I do not need to wake anyone...my heart races, and the blood pounds in my head. The disapproving voice still present though shoved far back to the recesses of my consciousness. Issac Hawke is waiting for me in his room atop the stairs. Does he pace back and forth with nervous anticipation, or does he stand stoically patiently waiting? I am at his door... the knob turns with a click...


	25. Chapter 25

pt 25

There are words...I even give him another opportunity to reject me by bringing up Isabella...but he is set on me, and everything melts away as our lips meet. He is leading me to his bed... I am pulled downward and the gentle kisses turn deeper and more intrusive. Tongues swipe against each other roughly. Issac's hands fumble at my back, unsure of whether to hold or roam. I take his bottom lip between my teeth and nibble slightly causing him to press against me.

"A-Anders." He groans into my mouth. "You wear too much." He tugs at my coat. In a haze of lustful realization the garments are quickly removed and tossed to floor. I am flush against him the bare skin of our chests pressed against each other as I continue to devour his mouth. I realize I haven't touched his chest yet and this must be rectified. I pull away from his lips and smirk when he gives a disappointed grunt. So he does like this...I can at least put a few fears to rest. I run a hand along the plane of his chest, hard and muscular.

"Maker Issac...your body is amazing." I feel inadequate as my hands explore his chest making their way down to his stomach to trace the light trail of hair, and stop at the top of is breeches. He bucks slightly. I am about to venture further when he grabs my hand and rolls over on top of me.

"And what of you hmm?" He pins my arms with one of his hands and our eyes meet. "Don't you understand?" He uses his free hand to lightly ghost fingers from my cheek down to my chest. Him pinning me like this... the tightness in my breeches grows even more uncomfortable. He moves to kiss me, but this time its soft and loving.

"Issac..."

"Shh." He presses a finger to my lips as he begins to plant more of those gentle kisses down my neck. "I love how you look." He whispers freeing one of my hands. He keeps hold of the other one and looks at me nervously. Is he? I wouldn't have thought him to be so bold...He has led the other hand to feel his erection straining against the fabric. "You do this to me...you are the only man who has ever done this to me..." A strange sense of pride envelops me. He wants me, he wants me and no other man. I do not deserve this, I do not deserve him...yet he wants me. I grip him through cloth, and he responds with a low moan when I begin to stroke him.

"It might be better if..." But he is already ahead of me pulling off his breeches and smalls...I almost gasp as he frees his swollen cock from its confines. I reach out to begin stroking again but he playfully bats my hand away.

"Well I'm not going to be the only one whose naked." He laughs. Soon enough my breeches and smalls join the pile of clothing at the side of the bed...I feel so exposed as he eyes me eyes stopping at my groin. He lies back on top of me rubbing our lengths together...he feels so good...I can't help but moan into his neck. The sensation is incredible as he writhes against me thrusting harder to increase the friction between us. I bury my face in the crook of his neck gripping his back tightly. And then I notice...his scent so hauntingly familiar.

…...

My first escape attempt...well my first escape success...I remember it so clearly. I had made my way tired, hungry, and dirty to a thick forest. It started to rain slightly and the thin coat of water caused all the green to appear brighter, stronger...making the color pop. The musk of the damp forest filled my nostrils. These simple things, these simple beautiful things. I could have wept at it all except I was a boy, and boys didn't cry.

Issac's sent reminded me of that beautiful aroma.

…..

Issac pauses his thrusting and moves to kiss my lips before running his tongue down the length of my neck. I grip at the sheets and cannot help arching my hips. He slinks downward a hand timidly brushing the head of my cock before gripping lightly, stroking slowly.

"Issac...you don't have to...ah" I am silenced as lips close over the tip. It takes ever ounce of self control not to trust upward and take his mouth. Why is he doing this? I should be the one lavishing affections and pleasures on his body... He takes me deeper as his tongue glides along my shaft. I am making the most pathetic mewling noises known to man...but Maker...Issac Hawke is taking me in his mouth. His strong hands grip my thighs as he takes me deeper...then unexpected pain as his teeth graze the sensitive flesh. I hiss at the unpleasant sensation.

"Oh shit...I'm sorry...I..." He looks up at me with those enchanting blue eyes and I pull him into a kiss.

"Its ok, you are wonderful."

"You know I've never..."

"Yes and you are doing fine love." The way his face lights up when I call him that is breathtaking. "Let me do something for you...what do you want me to do Issac?" I want to please him so badly. I stroke his throbbing cock and nip at an earlobe as I whisper. "How do you want me to please you?"

"I...oh...I...I want you inside me..." He whimpers and I stop. He wants me to... "Did I say something wrong? I knew spending all that gold at the Rose wouldn't be worth it."

"Wait... I thought you hadn't."

"No no, not like that...I've messed this all up haven't I. Shit! Ok let me explain at least before you decide to leave...They make you pay...even if you just want to talk. The workers there I mean. I just wanted some advice on how to...with a man... I didn't have anyone else to ask..." His face is crimson, and my heart swells at the thought of his consideration. "You can leave now if you want...I'm sure that I've just ruined everything." He sighs.

"No you haven't...you're endearing. I just...well I figured that you'd want it...uh...the other way around."

"Not this first time...I want to give myself to you Anders...I want you to know what you mean to me." He cups my face and holds my gaze with genuine love and affection. He loves me...it is euphoric...I pull myself up and lean over the edge of the bed and pull the small vial from my coat pocket.

"Lie back love. If you want me to stop anything I will, just tell me." He nods. "I will be gentle...but it may hurt a little at first." I open the vial amply coating a finger. He shudders as I trace his entrance, and then penetrate him with a finger. "Is everything ok?" I ask as I begin preparing him, pumping my finger inside.

"Yes.." He moans. I notice his member is tragically unattended to and decide to rectify that by taking him into my mouth. "Maker..." He gasps as I flick my tongue over his already leaking slit. Issac grips my hair trying to find a balance between forcing more of his cock down my throat and urging me to do it myself. I pull away.

"You like this don't you?" My finger still steadily pumping into him. He only moans a response. I slick another finger and it joins the other stretching him. My mouth returns to his prick.

"Anders...s..s...stop..." I stop as promised.

"Is everything fine?"

"I can't...I just...you can't keep doing that...I...I like it too much." He blushes and I catch his meaning.

"Do you want me to?"

"I do." He bites at his lower lip nervously. I empty the rest of the vials contents in my hand and spread it thoroughly along my cock. I position myself pressing against his entrance and slowly breech the barrier. Issac winces, but says nothing. He is warm...tight...I could go right now...I inch slowly in making sure that he can accommodate me until at last I am buried to the hilt.

"You feel so good love...I'm going to start moving." I rock slowly, he starts to moan. I trust that the pain has mostly subsided, but I do not thrust into him any harder. He reaches down to grab his member and starts to stroke. "Let me..." I replace his hand with my slicked one and pump him in time with my thrusts.

"Anders...I...Maker..." Issac bucks erratically. I feel him pulse and he spills his warm seed onto my hand and his belly. His muscles clench...I'm going to...with one last thrust I spill deep inside him, and the world is a blur, a glorious blur...


	26. Chapter 26

"That...was..." He breathes heavily positioned on his back, I am laying at his side, still dazed and utterly spent. "I'm having trouble thinking..." He rolls over to face me, a tired smile across his face.

"I'm terrified that this is a dream, and I'll wake up in my clinic alone. I've wanted to be with you for so long." Issac wraps his arm around me and delivers a kiss to my forehead.

"I didn't know...and I it took me some time to realize I wanted to be with you, but I'm so glad I did." He runs his fingers through my hair...if everything could just stop and be as perfect as this moment. Sleep begins to claim me, pleasant darkness falling wrapped in Issac's arms.

…

"You're leaving?" He sleepily asks rolling over to face me. I'm finishing fastening my boots. I did not want to leave his side, I did not want to leave it ever again, but when the sun's first rays peaked through the window, the voice crept into my consciousness, urging me back to my duties at the clinic. I feel obligated, that part of me had voiced tremendous disapproval beforehand, yet stayed respectfully silent during the intimate moments Issac and I had shared.

"I have to open my clinic. You know I'd like nothing better than to lay in bed with you all day, but a healers work is never done." He looks a bit worried. "Is something wrong?"

"No, I'll just stop by later. I need to talk to you about something."

"I...sure..." I jump to the worst conclusions. He is going to tell me it has all been some big mistake, or how it didn't mean anything...

"Anders, I love you. You know that right?" With that I feel less anxious, who knows what he wants to talk about. He loves me...it cannot possibly be those things I fear the most.

"I know, And I you." I lean over to kiss him. "I'll see you later."

…..

The problem with older people is that they also tend to rise with the sun. This is the case with Issac's mother Leandra. Yes of course she has to be there, sitting in the living room sipping on tea...I hope I give an excuse convincing enough of why I am slinking out of her son's room.

"You know, I always used to think I'd catch you sneaking out of Bethany's room the way she used to carry on about you." Leandra doesn't even look up at me from her tea.

"Its, its not what you think...we were talking...it got late...and I just...stayed there..." Maker I feel like a bloody teenage boy again.

"I'm not deaf. My room is right next door to his." Well this is mortifying...I cannot even lie to her anymore, and she heard...she heard us...

"I didn't mean to offend...I'm sorry if I did. I'll just be going now..." I try to back away before she interrupts.

"I'm not offended...you're both grown men. I'm just surprised is all. Issac, he never did seem interested in...men, and he used to be so infatuated with that pirate girl." I helped the bloody hero of Ferelen face down darkspawn, broodmothers, dragons and this, this conversation terrifies me more than any of that ever could.

"Is this going to be a problem Mrs. Hawke?" Is that what I should call her?

"No, no problem...just treat him right. He's a very special boy, so devoted, so protective. He doesn't always get things right away." She smiles and laughs a bit to herself. "He thought all elves were women, and all dwarves were men...he was around fourteen before he finally learned otherwise."

"You jest, or exaggerate certainly?" He seriously couldn't be that dense...she gives me a knowing look.

"Just be good to him. He's all I have left now that they've taken Bethany. I just want him to be happy." I nod. I begin to walk towards the door, and away from the most awkward conversation ever. I hear Leandra sigh and whisper something about the lost hope of grandchildren as I exit.

…..

A single focus...the patients...then when they are finished, the manifesto. There is no time to dwell on what cryptic thing Issac wishes to speak on, or the words exchanged with his mother earlier. I cannot be my own man in these hours. I do not even take the time to think on what happened the night before. The fact that I am now with Issac, that Issac loves me, is barely present in my consciousness. I heal until the point of complete exhaustion, I write furiously until my fingers ache because this is what I must do, this is what I have to do.

I am slumped over my desk writing fervently when he arrives. The clinic has only seen a few minor outpatient injuries today, so we are alone. I know he's there, but I don't look up, the work...I have to focus...

"Anders...hey..." He says quietly.

"Yes" I still do not look up...just a few more sentences...

"I brought you something to eat for lunch, just some bread and cheese, well its more like a snack really, but I thought you'd like it, but that's not why I came here, I came to ask you something, and I don't think you'll like it, but please just hear me out before anything and please don't hate me." Maker was that all in one breath? He seems to ramble on and on. I finally turn.

"Issac what in Andraste's name are you talking about?" He shuffles his feet and breathes deeply.

"I, I need you to do something for me. I know you won't be to pleased about it."

"Well what is it?" I have no clue what he is on about.

"I would like it if you didn't...uh..tell anyone...about us." He won't look me in the eye...

"So you are ashamed of me then?" Someone like him, with someone like me...I should have seen it coming...

**He used us, played on the weakness of emotions.**

"No its not you its not you at all...people know me...they expect certain things from me..." He makes exaggerated hand gestures to add emphasis.

"So? You don't want them to know you love an apostate? You're ashamed to be with a mage?"

**He lied to us, gained our trust only to abuse it.**

I hardly see where this is your concern.

"No! Its not you its me, I like mages, you know that...Its I'm just not ready to let people know that...I..." He groans. " That I...its that...I'm a man and uh...you are too." He's worried...about that?

"People are not going to judge you on that, and if they do, well they aren't worth your time anyway."

"I know that, I know that's true I'm just uncomfortable with everyone knowing ok? Its our private life anyway. They shouldn't have the right to pry into it, and we surely don't have to announce it everywhere." He can't let go, let go of the stupid notion that someone would possibly cast him in a negative light. Appearance, vanity, no man is above faults.

"I thought you were serious about this...about us."

"I am!"

"Well you are not doing the best job convincing..." And it didn't matter, the anger, the hurt, all faded as Issac pushes me on to my desk. I am silenced by the sudden intrusion of his tongue plundering my mouth. He finally pulls back with his familiar characteristic blush evident.

"I am serious...I'm sorry, I went about this the wrong way. I love you, but I'm not as strong as you...I need to get comfortable with myself before I can be comfortable about this with other people. If you really find it a problem, then I will shout in the middle of the square in Hightown that I love you. Nothing anyone could say to me would be worth losing you over my weakness." He holds my gaze firmly. "Just please Anders...some time. I promise it won't be forever."

"Alright...alright." I acquiesce. This is obviously harder for him than I could imagine. "You know I won't like all the sneaking around.

"I know." He kisses me softly. "And I'm sorry..."


	27. Chapter 27

It has not made the for the most comfortable relationship, all the secrecy. I come to the Amell manor, or he to my clinic, and we both slink out before dawn breaks. I feel like some noble's mistress... Being together in the company of the others has almost become unbearable. Especially when he brings me to the Hanged Man.

"Do you want me to get you a drink?" He asks quietly while Varric, Isabella, and Merrill are engaged in a game of Wicked Grace.

"I'm perfectly capable of getting my own drink." I snap.

"Sorry I was just trying to be nice..." He sighs.

"Look if you want to keep up this charade then you can't be buying me drinks like I'm your date. Don't you think it'd look a bit suspicious?" I already have a feeling that Varric and Isabella realize whats going on, or at least they have an inkling of it.

"Ok ok I get it." Issac moves his attention to the others. "Hey guys I want in next game!"

"I'm bowing out after this round anyway. I feel like I've robbed these two blind tonight." Isabella answers with a chuckle. She always wins...she cheats.

**It is an injustice.**

You are seriously going to get riled over a card game?

"Blind? But I can still see perfectly fine!" Ah Merrill, sometimes I forget how some of our common idioms go right over her head. Isabella lets out a giggle shaking her head.

"Oh Daisy, its just a phrase. Besides Hawke's joining the game, you are sure to at least win some of your coin back." Varric says as he shuffles the cards. Issac takes the seat recently vacated by Isabella. In turn Isabella makes herself perfectly comfortable next to me...great.

"So has he stuck it to you yet?" I nearly jump with shock, always to the point with her, always to the vulgar point.

"I have no idea what you are talking about." I attempt to bluff.

"Oh don't play coy with me dear. Has our fearless leader over there delved your deep roads?" She purrs. Delved my...eww what a horrible metaphor, and I'm the one doing the delving anyway.

"No Isabella, nothing of the sort is going on between us."

"Well then sweet thing you wouldn't object to me buying you a drink then? You see I have come into a small fortune thanks to our friends over there, and I'm eager to spend it." Hmm well if Issac doesn't want it to look like we are together...

"Just one then? Sure."

…..

I'm still on the first drink, Isabella, well she's had a few. With each drink she gets more and more bold, a hand on my leg, her head resting on my shoulder. Issac watches, His face turning a deep shade of red. The distraction is causing him to lose soundly.

"You are so fluffy." She rubs her cheek on the pauldron's feathers. "Oh sparkle-fingers I wish you were more fun like you used to be."

"A drink! Anyone? Anyone?" Issac slams his tankard and calls for another. He is getting quite flustered...I do feel a bit cruel, but its what he wanted. If I let Isabella get flirty with me and look to enjoy it... She sinks against me reclining in my lap.

"Isabella, you don't think...you know Issac over there, you and him...This uh, it could bother him."

"We had a talk a while back. We're fine." She strokes my face.

"Anders...I forgot I needed to tell you something...about mages..." Issac rises suddenly from the table.

"Can't it wait Hawke? I'm a little...busy" He wants it to be this way. I'm just trying to be convincing...

"No. Its important." He says through gritted teeth.

…..

He closes the door behind us in one of the empty rooms. I expect him to begin yelling, but instead he pushes me against the door. "Issac what are you..." He roughly silences me with his mouth, his teeth clash against mine. Biting at my lip, he grinds a knee into my groin. "Issac..." He leaves my bruised lips behind trailing biting kisses down my neck.

"You're mine..." He whispers between nips. "You're mine..." Maker, this possessive side of him...

**No one owns us.**

He has owned me since I first laid eyes on him.

He flips me so I'm pressed firmly against the door. "Issac...oh Maker..." His hand is already in my breeches fondling my hardness, as he pushes against me. This...I've never seen him this way...

"Mine..." He breathes into my neck, his other hand fumbling to undo my belt. I am yours...I am...His own breeches slide down enough to free his prick.

"Yes...Issac...yes..."

"Slick?"

"Use one of the salves...coat pocket..." I can barely breathe from anticipation. I hear the stopper pop, and feel him bear down on me positioned at my entrance pushing slightly in...

A knock at the door...no...no...Why? I want to murder whoever interrupted this!

"Boys is everything alright in there?" Isabella coos in a sing-song voice. Damn her!

"Shit...shit..." Issac hurriedly pulls up his breeches. "Anders, punch me in the face."

"What?" I pull up my own. "Why would I do that?"

"Just do it, You'll see." He hisses.

"This is stupid..." I can't hit him. What in Andraste's name is he trying to do? Issac groans, and suddenly...crack, his own fist plows into his mouth. "WHY DID YOU?"

"Shhh!" He warns, blood streaming from a split lip. "Come on in 'bella." She opens the door, obviously drunk.

"You two are aware this is my room? Hawke! What happened?" She gasps at his face.

"Well before I could get a chance to talk to Anders some drunk started harassing me, don't worry, he got way worse than this!" He grins stupidly. I can't believe it...well it was a much more clever plan than I thought him capable of. "Anders insisted on healing me, so we needed a room. We don't need any drunks blabbing to the Templars about seeing magic in the Hanged Man now do we?"

"I certainly don't!" I jump into the conversation. "Now here let me finish up. Seriously Issac you are such a fool sometimes."

"Well now that you two are finished, I'm about to pass out...unless..." A wicked smile crosses her lips. "We could all have a little fun."

"Sorry, but I think this has put a damper on the night. I'm going to turn in myself." I do my best fake yawn.

"Uh yeah. I better go too, before I get in anymore trouble." Issac blushes and moves towards the door.

"Oh you two are no fun, no fun at all!"

We leave her to pout, alone in the hallway Issac whispers in my ear. "My place..."

…..

According to his damn rules we separate. I am to wait a few torturous hours before making my way to Hightown. He was so aggressive...so possessive... it takes a ridiculous amount of control not to take care of myself now with that so fresh in my mind. I can't. I'm not waiting.

The Amell manor is in sight, but I notice another stumbling towards its door. "Fenris?" He turns scowling.

"And what is the abomination doing out of its hovel?" He spits, sometimes I hate him so much...

"I needed to talk with Hawke, and I wouldn't be one to judge knowing the rats nest you call home."

"Watch your tongue mage. You are lucky Hawke needs you." He does in more ways than you can imagine. "I doubt though he is interested in your mage freedom fight you have no doubt come to trouble him with in this late hour."

"It is none of your business why I'm here elf. Besides why are you here? To complain to Hawke about how sad your life has been, to remind him that oh guess what, you were a slave, and that mages are bad." I let the sarcasm drip, as Justice starts to pace in my mind. Fenris turning to that demon in the fade has caused Justice to grow increasingly hostile in his presence.

"I'm warning you mage...I have come here just for conversation with him, we speak often. No matter, I will see Issac tomorrow, and I'll sleep soundly to the knowledge that he will ignore your pathetic advances yet again." He snarls. Oh but this time Fenris, this time I have gotten the last laugh. I want to tell him, to shout that Issac is my lover, I want to see his eyes grow wide with anger and shock. I will not go against Issac's wishes...even if it means I can't wipe the smugness off that damn elf's face.

…..

"You didn't wait?"

"I couldn't. I kept thinking about it...about you." He is sitting on the edge of his bed, none of the lust from earlier apparent in his eyes. "Whats wrong Issac?"

"I'm sorry I didn't mean to get like that. I know you were only flirting with Isabella because of what I asked of you. It just, I felt like I had to claim you, even if it was just for me and no one else to know. Now that I've calmed down I feel terrible." Issac's expression is pained. "I had no right to treat you like that."

"No, no don't feel bad it was all rather...exciting to put it lightly."

"But I don't own you Anders..."

"You own my heart." I sit down next to him and cup his cheek.

"And you own mine." Issac kisses me softly. This as not how I envisioned the night to go. I thought of him passionately and roughly taking me, I yearned for it. Instead he wishes me to hold him gently, to make love to him tenderly. It is slow and wonderful, our eyes open the entire time. Fingers trace skin, lips brush against each other lightly. Little statements of love escaping our mouths in the darkness. This may not have been what I expected, instead it became something beautiful.


	28. Chapter 28

It went on like that for months, the secrecy, the slight thrill of almost being discovered. Issac was for the most part content with the arrangement. Even if it meant hiding our relationship, I still relished every chance to be with him. Complications always arose though when we traveled with our companions… Everyone wanted a piece of his time, and Justice wanted all of mine. I was sure the changed dynamic between us was noticed by the sharper-minded, namely Isabella and Varric. How the snickering as they walked behind us set my teeth on edge. True to his nature Issac was blissfully unaware, and I was not about to tell him lest he retreat from affections even further.

…..

"How could you do this to me? You know how I feel! You know!" Issac drops the cards in his hand. I don't even care that a wide grin crosses Isabella's face, or that Varric has slyly grabbed his quill and parchment. "Do you think I wouldn't find out? " How could he…helping Merrill with trying to fix that damn mirror…

"I, I don't." He stammers markedly embarrassed, probably more at the scene I'm causing in Varric's suite rather than at what he has done!

"You know damn well!"

"Please not in front of…" I cut off his begging.

"Fine, fine, at the clinic then. You had better be there shortly." I narrow my eyes. Let him sit amongst the two for a bit and feel embarrassed.

…..

"You shouldn't have barged in there like that! Isabella wouldn't stop ribbing me calling it a lovers' quarrel. " He offers a weak smile…curse the Maker for giving him that charm.

"It doesn't matter! What matters is what you did! You helped her!"

**His weakness, how he helps those who enlist demons for aid!**

** "**I did help her yes, I knew you wouldn't like it, that's why I didn't bring you." Issac gave me a look as if that should explain everything!

"You shouldn't have! Its Merrill, blood mage, demon friend!" I turn away, I don't even want to look at him lest it break my conviction.

"Yeah Merrill, the sweet elf girl, my friend! She wanted help, I just was doing what a friend would do!" He moves towards me. "I know she worries you. I promise I'll watch her. I really don't think she has any hidden evil agenda…"

"Its not about what she wants to do, its about how she is going about it! She is dabbling in very dangerous and dark magic!" I throw my hands up and turn back to him. Issac has removed the shirt he occasionally wears, revealing a purplish splotchy wound across his chest with a nasty cratered puncture in the center.

"Can you heal me and yell at me?" He asks. "This is beginning to hurt pretty bad."

"Sweet Andraste! Where did you get that?" Concern and anger meld together…he shouldn't have waited…he could have died!

"Some spidery thing, you know the usual, well maybe unusual…it was pretty large…" How can he be so…unconcerned?

"You, you are…ARHH!" I lay my hands on him a warm glow spreads from my hands to the wound. It is more serious than I first believed. "Why didn't you come to me when this first happened?"

"I knew you would be mad at me…I guess I was avoiding it really." He blushes, when he turns red like that, I…I melt. I finish healing him, but my hands remain on his chest.

"You know it would kill me to lose you…" I whisper more to myself than to him.

"I thought something like this…that you'd…that you'd leave me. I didn't want that to happen. So I tried to hide it. I know you disagree with me, I just wanted to be a good friend. Don't hate me…" I silence his fears with my mouth upon his lips. Justice chides me for giving in so quickly, for not demanding he go and smash the mirror to make amends, but his life, his love…it is worth much more to me.

"Don't hide your injuries from me ever again…you bull-headed fool." I whisper and kiss his smooth cheek.

"I'm glad a fool is all you think of me right now. " He says seriously, but as my lips brush his face again a playful smile graces his lips. "I hope at least I am an attractive fool." Issac tugs at my coat and I get the signal, removing it.

"The handsomest of fools, a completely sexy idiot."

…..

"Maker! Anders…AH…" Hearing my name on his lips as he writhes beneath me…My thrusts intensify. I noticed moments ago soft footsteps, a flash of green, retreating as soon as she saw… Issac had not noticed, I had not cared. If she thinks she controls any part of him, if she thinks she can summon him on a whim to help with her foul project…Issac arches into me digging his nails into my back. Driving him mad like this…I can stake my own claim as well love. He pulls me chest to chest letting out a sharp cry as his release spreads warmly between us, I follow soon after. Catching my breath I roll from atop him.

"We, we should probably clean up."

"In a minute...I can't move...you must have been pretty mad at me." He chuckles. I notice my anger has in fact waned.

"Don't scare me like that again love." Issac plants a tender kiss to my forehead

"I'll try not to." It is the best I can hope for with this man who constantly surrounds himself in so much danger.

…..

I want her to know that I knew she was there, that she had saw. I want her to acknowledge that he is mine, and her intrusions are not appreciated. In some strange way Justice is pleased as I walk to the Alienage. What was Merrill doing at my clinic anyway? I spy her planting some flowers around her home in an attempt to make it presentable.

"Oh, uh Anders…Hello." Her cheeks are flushed.

"There is no need to play dumb. What were you doing at my clinic?" She rocks back and forth on her bare toes nervously.

"Isabella, and Varric…they told me Issac went there… I just wanted to see if he was alright from the Varterral bite, and to thank him…I didn't mean to…I mean I didn't know. No one told me..." She looks at the ground.

"That's because no one knows." I snap. "Issac would appreciate it if you didn't breathe a word of it to anyone. I would appreciate it if you kept him out of your business." I cross my arms, and feel a sick pleasure from addressing her in such a fashion.

"It must be very hard for you..." So quiet...what does she mean?

"What?"

"That he's afraid to tell anyone. I guess he would be...knowing...ah never mind. I won't say anything. Issac is a good friend, if that is what he wants then that's fine."

"Knowing what Merrill?" Has he told her something?

"Sorry, forget I said anything. Maybe you should leave now if you've said everything you need to." I place myself between her and the door of her hovel.

"What do you know?" I question with a hiss.

"The same thing everyone else does...about what you are." She won't look at me. That's not the reason, that's not... I tear myself away.

What I am, what we are.

**Justice**

"You don't deserve his friendship, you can only bring him down with you!" I push past her.

"And you think you won't?" I hate her, I hate her for being right.

…...

"That Aaron Stock guy is starting to get on my nerves...its getting ridiculous so many people could have died from that poison..Why do I have to take care of all of this huh?" Issac sighs and sinks into the chair next to me, slamming a tankard, spilling a slight amount of the amber ale. I barley register. Merrill's words still cut fresh into my mind. "Hey you want a drink?"

"Huh? What were you talking about?"

"You seriously need more sleep, maybe I should stop keeping you up all night." He teases. "I was asking if you wanted a drink, and before then I was complaining about that Aaron Stock guy."

"Who?" What is he even talking about?

"You know that big Qunari guy!"

"Its Arishok...Arishok." I can't believe him sometimes. "Its a title."

"Oh...that's why Varric and Isabella were laughing." He smirks, unconcerned. "Anyway a drink? Oh yeah Isabella thinks she has found out a lead on that relic."

"Oh that's nice..."

"Anders...is something wrong?" Everything...I put one of my hands over his.

"Issac I just..." He pulls back quickly with a blush.

"Sorry, you know, not here...people could..." Yes people could see you and I...this secrecy. I don't think I can take it anymore.

"I understand. I think I'm going to go back to the clinic..." I mumble something about a shortage of burn salves and excuse myself. We have to talk about this...tonight...


	29. Chapter 29

"Messer Anders, thank the ancestors!" Bodhan greets me at the door anxiously.

"What's wrong?" Crash! A vase flies into a wall. "Andraste's knickerweasels!" I poke my head in to see Issac in a rage. "What happened?"

"Mistress Leandra is missing...I am sure its nothing...but when he saw those white lilies on the table...he just went crazy. His poor uncle is cowering in the corner..." White lilies... Issac had mentioned them when he was helping investigate some disappearances...a killer who gave them to his victims before...

"Go, go get the Guard-Captain!" I push passed the confused dwarf. "Hurry!" Issac does not even notice my presence.

"We have to find her! You let her walk down to Lowtown by herself!" He snarls at his uncle.

"She's done it a hundred times before boy...just calm yourself! I'm sure its just a misunderstanding, she's probably fine."

"He's right about needing to calm down. It won't do any good to get worked up like this." He turns to me, face red, teeth clenched. Issac storms over towards me.

"I know he's got her...that murderer has got her!" He grips my shoulders tightly.

"I've sent for Aveline...Issac please..." His grip grows tighter, and I can see not only anger, but fear in his eyes. Every reason I had come over...it is nothing, nothing to this. The door bursts open with an exhausted dwarf and the alarmed looking Guard-Captain.

"Hawke?" She questions surveying the room in disarray.

"His mother is missing, and we suspect foul play." Issac is breathing heavily, shaking. "She was on her way to see you correct?" Gamlen nods still unmoving from the corner.

"Then we should go to Lowtown, see if we can retrace her steps. If I see any of the guard on the way I'll have them spread the word. While we're there we can see if Varric has heard of anything, he's got eyes all over Lowtown." I may not like her, but thank the Maker Aveline is with us now.

"Come on Issac, we'll find her." He finally releases me.

…..

He is truly frightening when he loses control. If his uncle hadn't coughed up a bribe, I have no doubt he would have assaulted that street urchin for information. Gamlen left us to wait at his home in hopes Leandra would show up there.

The blood...the trail of blood...

**It is wrong.**

Yes, it is very wrong.

A pang of panic, and an overwhelming sense of unease washes over me.

We know what this is.

**Blood magic.**

The trail leads to the foundry, from there a hidden door. The others say things, I do not hear. I only watch him. Issac...Gruesome discoveries of demons, and the corpse of a woman. I fear the worst may come to pass. With every undead foe his rage deepens, madly swiping at enemies with his axe, uncaring when they land a blow. I try to heal him.

"Save it!" He snaps, and I pull back.

…..

She is a grotesque perversion of a bride. Stitched together flesh, held together by the power of a sick and twisted man. He is a mage. A bastard who personifies why the world hates us, why the world fears us. Leandra rises slowly with jerking motions. The mage spews out sick devotions of love toward his deceased wife whom, he has pieced back together. It is a nightmare. Varric and Aveline both wide-eyed with horror...Issac... Issac's rage has reached its peak.

**No mercy.**

I cannot lose control as well...

He lets loose upon us demons and walking corpses, but they all fall, mostly from the savage blows Issac delivers. Then it is only him left, all of his demons and blood magic cannot save him. I want to disagree with Justice, but we are both pleased, both pleased to see Issac take his rightful vengeance.

"You monster...you damn monster." Issac no longer using his axe or shield, and has tackled the mage to the hard dirt floor, each strike punctuated with a scream of pain. A man so kind and gentle...the darkness underneath, he needs me to stop him...but I do not. Thumbs bore into eye sockets with a sickening squishy pop. "And now you won't be able to see her again before you die you son of a bitch!" The mage shrieks, it has gone too far, yet I still do nothing.

He should end this, kill him, lop off his head...

**He needs justice. This man must pay for his crimes!**

"Hawke..." Varric slowly steps toward Issac, and I grab his arm and pull back. I don't know if its to keep him safe, or stop him. Soon the screaming subsides, but Issac's fist do not stop beating the message into the man's face. There is blood, so much blood on his hands...

"Stop Issac." Her voice so calm and clear, her footing falters. Issac rushes to catch her.

"Mother!" He holds her, cradles her like a child, rocking back and forth. "Anders...can you?" And I the dreadful task of letting him know that there is no hope.

"Issac...I'm sorry, there is nothing I can do...His magic was keeping her alive."

"I knew you would come." She whispers to him, a ghost of a smile on pale lips.

"Don't move mother...we'll find a way to..."

"Shh don't fret darling." She cuts him off. "That man would have kept me trapped in here, but now I'm free. I get to see Carver and your father again. But you'll be here alone." Issac holds her closer to him.

"I should have watched over your more closely...it was my duty to...I should have..." It is hard to watch. I feel once again like a voyeur to this family's pain. Tears streak his face, my heart aches knowing how much he is suffering.

"My little boy has become so strong. I love you, you have always made me so proud." Her head sinks against him...and she is gone. After several minutes of silence, I speak.

"Aveline, take him home." She nods, and I move towards Issac.

"There is nothing more you can do love...I'll take care of what I can...you have to let go Issac." I whisper. He kisses the body softly on the forehead and lays her down with great care.

"Goodbye...mother..." I beckon Aveline over and she puts a comforting arm around him.

"Varric, go and get Sebastian. I think he would be best to make...preparations." As much as I disagree with the Chantry's policies on mages...Leandra deserves a blessing, a proper funeral service, and he is the only one I know who can see that these needs are met while being discreet for Issac's sake.

…..

After Sebastian has performed a blessing, we carry the body to the Chantry.

"I know we don't agree on much Anders, but thank you for sending Varric for me. I can only pray that Issac finds comfort knowing that his mother is at the side of the Maker. I will let him know about the memorial service." He nods curtly. No open hostiles at a time like this.

…..

"I know it won't change it. I'm just...I'm sorry." He looks at me with such sadness. "You were lucky to have her as long as you did. When the pain fades, that's what will matter." I sit beside him, unsure of the level of comfort he seeks from me, or if he would rather be alone...Would he blame the magic that caused her death and wish to push me away?

"I didn't try hard enough to save her." He holds his face in his hands. Yes Issac would blame himself...I remember how he did so when Bethany was taken to the circle.

"She wouldn't want you to blame yourself." You couldn't have known, none of us could have...

"You don't know my mother."

"No, and I'm sorry I never will." I wish I could have gotten to know her and, for her to know how we feel about each other... "I'm here for you, whatever you need." And nothing, he says nothing. "Do you wish me to go?" Still no response, just a deep sorrow in his blue eyes. I make the assumption that he wishes to be alone and start to rise only to feel his hand cover mine.

"Don't leave...please." The expression is now desperate.

"I won't I'll stay with you." I pull him close. "Issac I'll stay with you."

"No Anders, not just tonight. Don't leave me, stay here with me." He has lost so much... All the doubts, all the hurt feelings on how uncomfortable he is about us being together...they are nothing, nothing in the wake of this.

"I will stay with you my love." I gently recline and he lays against my chest until sleep takes hold.


	30. Chapter 30

"And they still want me, me to sort through their problems, me to somehow stop the conflict that has been brewing for years. I am allowed no peace, no time to grieve?" It worries me how he lays there sprawled out on the bed clad in only his small clothes. Stubble covers his jawline, unusual indeed as he always keeps his goatee neatly trimmed. Chester, his mabari, feeling his master's sorrow, laying next to him unmoving.

"You are a strong man Issac... they think that you can..."

"Can what, protect them, protect this damn city? You have seen my success as a protector...Mother dead, Bethany locked away in the circle..." He reaches over to scratch Chester's head. "I envy him sometimes..."

"The dog?"

"What? Oh no not the dog, sorry I was just thinking out loud." He sighs deeply and closes his eyes.

"Who are you talking about?" I don't know why I'm pushing, but I want to know him, every part of him. Issac turns his head. I am standing by the bed patiently watching over him as I have been for days, keeping a silent vigil.

"My brother." He returns his gaze to the ceiling. Death, his brother is dead...fear curls its icy hand around my heart. Issac surely does not wish too...

"What do you mean?"

"How he died, Carver... I told you he was killed while we were fleeing Lothering." I nod, still nervous about what he will say next. "I told you he was killed by Darkspawn and left it at that...but there was a little more to it. Carver he jumped into the path of an Ogre to defend mother...he saved her life by sacrificing his own. I sometimes wish that it would have been me. If it would have been me...things, they would have been different. They would all be alive, Beth might not even be..."

"You don't know that! Issac you can't possibly think that!" He does not answer. "We cannot change what happened." I extend my hand. "I know nothing can change what has happened, and nothing can mend the hole in your heart, but please let me help you. Maybe I can help you feel just a little better?" Better enough to take his mind of such dark thoughts...wishing he was dead...

"I doubt it." He takes my hand anyway.

…..

"Why the sudden modesty? Its not like I haven't seen you naked before."

"I just...I don't know, fine." He sheds his small clothes and steps into the bath. "Thanks for warming the water then...oh...your joining me?" I stop in the middle of undressing.

"I thought to...is it a problem?"

"Oh no, no just unexpected...that's all." He shrugs his shoulders and I continue to strip. I lower my self in. Thank The Maker that the tub is large, this will be the first proper bath I've had in way too long.

"Let me see your back."

"Why?"

"Because you're tense, and I told you I was going to try and make you feel better." I give a weak smile. Issac turns with his back to me shoulders slumped. I place my hands on his muscled back and I feel the tension. If I cannot help him heal emotionally, at least I can help with the physical. I knead the muscles working in a bit of healing magic, loosening the knots. He moans and leans into my touch as I work my way down from his broad shoulders to the small of his back. When I deem the work acceptable I put my arms around his midsection, pulling him into a slippery embrace.

"Thank you. At least my back feels better." He slips lower letting the water rise to his chin. "I don't want to leave this tub ever."

"You have to, otherwise that nice skin of yours will get all wrinkly and pale." I feel his chest rise with a small laugh.

"A tragedy." I catch the slightest hint of a smile.

…..

"You don't have to you know, I am capable..." He grimaces as I run the blade across his cheek.

"I want to, and I promise I'll leave that silly thing on your chin."

"Oh Ser Mage you are too kind." His sarcasm is a welcome change.

"Shall we get something to eat after this?" Issac is a man who normally inhales a meal, but he hasn't touched anything offered in several days.

"I'm not hungry." I tilt his face and start shaving the other side.

"But Varric has brought by some fresh bread." Issac looks unimpressed.

"I said I wasn't..."

"For me then, a few bites?" If I can coax him to eat anything...

"If you'll stop bugging me about it then I will." He sighs. "Its hardly fair for you to demand that I eat anything, the way you forget." He doesn't have a spirit constantly chiding him that there is hardly time for such things, that our work is what has to be focused on.

"I'm not trying to bother you. If you'd like me to leave..." Before I can finish he grips my wrist tightly. "Issac..."

"I don't want that. I don't want you to leave. Its just...I don't like being taken care of. I don't like needing to be taken care of." He lowers his eyes and lets go.

"You said it before. You said that we need each other. I know that I need you everyday." Issac raises his head and looks me in the eye. "Being together like this, we'll stay by each other when we need it the most. I know you feel like you have to protect everyone, but let me protect you as much as I can." How I wish I could protect you from this world too cruel for one such as yourself. He cups my face and leans in kissing me softly.

…..

"So when you think you are up to it..." I point to the pile of letters that have accumulated in the past few days. Also...I told Orana and Bodahn to send anyone away until you were feeling a little better. I wanted you to get some rest was all."

"That's fine, I'm sure everyone has tried to come and see me yes? Hopefully they had enough sense that its not about some damn problem they need me to solve." He starts tearing little chunks out of the loaf of bread, chewing them slowly.

"I think any visits from your friends were directed towards your well-being and to offer sympathies. You know I may not like all of them...but their concern for you is genuine."

"I guess I should talk to everyone shouldn't I."

"You don't have to until you are ready love." His expression is blank.

"I don't know when I can ever be truly ready...but I should see them, perhaps today?"

"Why so soon? They will understand, and if they don't I would hardly call them friends..."

"No, no, its not that Anders." He interrupts.

"Then what is it?"

"I need to get it out of the way before dealing with this Qunari shit." And to that he smiles, and I can't help but smile back.


	31. Chapter 31

It is like a dream, a horrible nightmare spiraling out of any of our control. Some how he becomes involved, wrapped up in it, and I fear for him. The Sister, no... she had been a Mother, her games have backfired, and she is dead, the Viscount's boy... dead. How many more are to follow? The city is on edge, a powder-keg of Chantry zealots, Qunari, mages, and Templars ready to explode at any moment. Issac is off more often again, doing what he can, pushing back what I feel is inevitable. I am afforded more time at the clinic, time mostly spent hunched over crinkled parchment penning my arguments until the candle is nothing but a nub of malformed wax.

This particular evening is different. A panic, a swarm of people fleeing Hightown. It has happened, the Qunari have finally struck out at Kirkwall. I heal the wounded that flood into the clinic...but Issac...what about Issac?

**We will not leave these people to die.**

What if he's hurt...Maker what if he's dead?

I recognize a young man leading a few more wounded past the doorway. "You there, I helped your mother about a year ago yes?" The lad nods.

"You did Serah. I am still grateful."

"You said you would do anything to repay me, do you still want to keep your word?"

"Anything..." I point to a nearby wooden chest.

"Give any wounded who come in one of the poultices in there. Make them comfortable. If anyone has any burns use one of the salves on the top shelf. I have to see about something important."

I grab my staff.

"I wouldn't go up there healer...its madness. Them bloody horn-heads has snapped Serah."

"I have to." Without a second look I take my leave.

…..

"You, you're alright! I was so worried." Issac lights up hearing my voice, but his expression quickly darkens as the screams echo through the air. The companions he has gathered surround him. All accept... "Where's Isabella?"

"Hnf, run off. This mess _is_ all her fault." The Guard-Captain crosses her arms.

"Its...Its a long story Anders. I'll elaborate later." Issac sighs.

"Well its hardly surprising..." He does not catch the words under my breath, attention too focused on the chaos around him.

"Alright, let's head to Hightown."

…..

It is very hard to focus on what is going on around me since the Knight-Commander is in my general proximity. I can barley keep Justice at bay.

**Strike!**

No, not now...she saved Issac, and our self, from that Qunari.

**Strike, do not let this cowardice hold us back!**

** "**Bethany!" The cloud in my thoughts dissipates. Issac's embrace so enthusiastic he lifts his sister off her feet. "When I saw you there...Maker Beth, if I lost you...if I lost you too..."

"Brother I'm fine, I'm fine..." There are more words but I am back within myself when the Knight-Commander joins us again.

**Strike!**

"Anders you don't look to well. Is something wrong?" For Andraste's sake...Merrill taps me annoyingly on the shoulder.

"Oh no, I think its grand that two apostates are standing not a stone-throws away from bloody Knight-Commander Meredith! Honestly Merrill!" My fingers run circles about my temples... I have to stay in control.

…..

Of course he would. She sold him out, sold us all out...a sting of doubt strikes my heart...he is still protecting her, he is fighting for her...no I am a fool...he'd fight for any of us. He's that kind of man. A particularly savage blow knocks him prone to the floor of the keep. I can't watch this.

**We can kill this Qunari, they torment their mages do they not? **

Stop, just stop...

**Look as he flings the man you call your love so effortlessly. He would see him dead, he would see everyone here dead, every mage in chains.**

I know! I know, just stop!

**And you would have us sit back and do nothing!**

He wouldn't want me to...

Issac spits out a mouthful of blood and rises with a roar. He charges towards the Arishok shield first. The Qunari is thrown off balance for a second and Issac is able to work in a strike to his leg hacking at the flesh with his axe. The Arishok howls in anger, one of his large blade pierces Issac's side.

"Issac!" Instinctively I move towards him, but a clawed gauntlet harshly pulls me back.

"Don't do it mage." The elf snarls.

"You have no idea..."

"And you are not the only one who cares for the man...Anyone of us would rush to his side, but this is a matter of principle. If Hawke does not win honorably, then the Qunari will send the whole of their armies against the Free Marches." I don't like it when he's right...nor will I let him know that he is.

"Or maybe do a little bit of magic in front of them. I think it would be amusing to see your mouth sewn shut." His eyes return to follow the fight, bastard.

My heart beats furiously against my chest as the blood pours from his abdomen, but he drags on, lunging at his enormous foe. His axe finds opportunities, and the Arishok's body soon is covered in a crisscross of deep open wounds. Injuries such as that would slow any normal combatant, but it only serves to engage the Qunari. He spins his weapons like a whirlwind, Issac barley able to hold up his shield to deflect the force behind it. His onslaught stops only for a brief moment, the Arishok tilts his head down and charges.

"ISSAC!" I can't take it I can't...

"You will hold mage." His hold tight...but not meant to hurt...Maker is the bloody elf shaking, has this finally gotten to him as well?

"I can't! Let me go!" Justice pushes, warring with my self control.

"You must. This is what he wanted! You have to pull yourself together!" Issac is pinned between the Arishok pushing against his shield and his back to a pillar. That monster will crush every bone in his body like this...Issac drops his axe...pick it back up...pick...his free hand reaches in his boot...yes the dagger! I stop breathing as he manages to reach around his shield plunging the dagger into the neck of his foe. He growls and thrashes around knocking Issac upside the head with the hilt of his sword, but then he falls back. That giant falls back...the axe is once again in the right hand of Issac Hawke. Issac pulls his arm back and strikes. The Arishok falls...the elf has released his hold...Issac pulls the axe from the Qunari's chest.

"We...will...return..." Is the last sentence the Arishok speaks.

Issac sways. I have to heal him...shit the Knight-Commander...I don't care that she calls him Champion, I don't care that they cheer. He grins, as usual, clutching his side. Finally the bitch and her Templar entourage leave to assess the city's damage.

"Best just give him a potion for now Blondie. You wouldn't want the whole of Hightown to know you're an apostate would you?" Varric warns as I attempt to push pass the cheering nobility. I also hate that he is right, Maker knows I want stop all of his pain.

"Issac here!" I thrust the bottle into his hand, he finishes it in one gulp. Our eyes meet. He looks at me blankly for a second as if unsure...and I am suddenly pulled into an embrace, his mouth covering my own. In front of them all...I hear a whistle which I am sure is coming from Isabella, but I don't care. His eyes are closed, he is kissing me, and it is beautiful. When he finally pulls away I am unsure if it is the kiss or being flushed from battle that cause the redness in his cheeks. Issac clears his throat.

"Aveline...can we use your office. I don't think Anders wants to be arrested for being an apostate, and I think I need a little bit of healing." An understatement. Aveline still dumbfounded by our 'display' hands him the keys.

…..

"Issac I..." His hands grip my sides as he continued the assault with his mouth, tongue forcefully wrestling with my own. I push him away to catch my breath. "Issac please I do have to heal you..." I run fingers lightly against the grievous wound in his side. "I don't know what I would have done if..." He pulls me back up to his lips. He nibbles at the lower lip causing me to lose all train of thought.

"I'm not dead. I'm not going to leave you." He breathes into my mouth as his fingers curl into my hair. "I want you."

"Here? Now? But you need..." He leans back against the wall taking me with him.

"Then do it." Issac grabs my hand, placing it to his side. I cannot help but heal with lingering attention to his chest, pressing my fingers along the bruised muscles. I can barely keep concentration as I heal him, mending broken ribs, stitching his flesh closed. The wound at his side growing smaller and smaller.

"There." My hands are glued to his bare chest. I look into his eyes nervously. "You still want to?" He answers by pressing against me, I can feel him rock hard under his breeches. "You really do like saving people don't you?" An interesting turn on, but I won't complain. This is the first time since Leandra's death that has wanted to be intimate in the sexual sense, I knew he needed time, but I quite missed his touch.

"Get on you knees." He commands. It is thrilling to see him finally be so authoritative. I hope no one interrupts like last time...He has freed his cock, and I know exactly what he wants and take the entire length in one deep swallow. He moans and thrusts deeper before pulling back. He places his hands on my shoulders he rocks back and forth. "Ah...Anders..." He moans quickening the pace before pulling out completely. "I almost forgot how great that was." To see him smile with that mischievous grin... "Bend over that desk." I do as he asks. A few short moments ago I thought I would watch him die right in front of me. He pulls a bottle from my pocket. I thought the man I loved like no other would be another body claimed by the insanity of this place. His pulls down my breeches, fingers finding my entrance. I thought I was again to be alone, so horribly alone. His length presses hard against me finally breaching in one smooth fluid motion. His thrusts build a rhythm once he is comfortable with the positioning. He leans over me, teeth pulling at the tip of my ear, the shift in position causing him to hit the wonderful spot inside me.

"Issac..." Is the only word on my lips.


	32. Chapter 32

He collapses, heavy at my back. The hot breaths are warm against my neck. Issac lifts up, staggering somewhat. "I guess maybe that was not such a great idea after that blood loss..." He holds a hand up to his brow for a moment then laughs slightly. "Worth it, been wanting to do that for awhile." I rise still shaky in the knees and pull some cloth from a pocket.

"Really? It was...well very...very enjoyable...I've actually wanted you to do that for awhile too." A blush surges to his cheeks. "Why haven't you?" It has seemed unusual to me from the very first time we were together.

"We can talk about it later. I think we've already kept everyone waiting long enough...they'll probably start to wonder." He starts to move towards the door.

"Now wait! You have to straighten up this desk!"

"Me?"

"Yes, this was your idea, and I will tell Aveline that if she ever finds out." I flash him a grin.

"You wouldn't? She'd kick my arse!"

"And ban us from every municipal building without supervision." He lets out a snort of laughter.

"Alright alright, I'm a little worried...about how everyone will...react...to us." Issac smiles slightly and stacks the parchment that was thrown about the desk during our tryst.

"We'll I'm sure they will be fine. You know...as soon as they pick their jaws up from the floor..."

….

"Champion...Champion of Kirkwall...hmmm it is a rather sexy title." Isabella lightly touches his shoulder, I roll my eyes. "I would thank you for fighting for me in a very special way...but it seems like I've scared you away from the fairer sex." She giggles at her joke, Issac is red again.

"Now now there Ravinni, Blondie is kind of fair..." Varric joins in.

"For one second you two just stop. I can't believe with everything you'd do this now!" But my voice trails off as I notice the significant look Issac and Fenris exchange. There is hurt...actual hurt in the elf's emerald eyes. Issac holds them in his glance, his brow furrows, almost apologetic. "Issac?" He turns to me.

"Oh...what were you saying?" His mind is elsewhere and I worry on what was said, unspoken between the two. Before I can inquire the First Enchanter makes his way towards us.

"What you have done for this city...for all of us...I managed to pull some strings..."

"Orsino, what are you..." Issac starts but is cut off.

"Your sister, Bethany. I'm allowed to chaperone a visit. She can stay at your estate for a bit, but then I must escort her back. It is the best I can do Champion." The First Enchanter explains. Issac's face lights up as if everything else has been forgotten.

"Yes! That's..that's great, lets go, lets do that now." He grabs me by the hand pulling us away from the crowd.

….

Orsino waits outside the door of the estate. Issac and his sister stare awkwardly at each other.

"Issac...about..." Her eyes well up with tears. "About mother..." He wastes no time in scooping her up into a tight embrace.

"Beth...I know please...don't, don't cry...I'm here..." She buries her face into his shoulder.

"Oh Issac...why why did this have to happen?" She puts her arms around his neck. I stand again an intruder, and outsider, witness to a family's pain. It is several moments again before Issac speaks.

"Sister...we can talk about this later...there is no time." He lifts her head gently. Bethany is surprised, as am I...what is he talking about?

"Issac..."

"Shh Bethany I have to get you out of here...I now have the chance, we can just..."

"Just what?" She pushes him away.

"Bethany?" His eyes are wide with shock. "Come on! You can't stay there in the Gallows!"

"I can Issac and I will...I belong there."

"Don't talk like that! I can get you out, come on, I know how you can escape we just need to..."

"No, Issac NO!" She accentuates by stomping a foot. "You aren't listening! I belong there...I'm with others like me...its where we have to be!" In anger I cannot stop myself... I cannot.

**They have hold of her.**

They do.

**It is weakness.**

It is sickening.

"This is what they do! They fill your head with lies about how mages are dangerous...sub-human, and how we deserve to be kept away from others for the good of everyone. I thought you knew better than this Bethany, but it seems they have gotten to you as well." I spit interjecting myself into the situation.

"Stay out of this, you got what you wanted didn't you?" The anger burns in her eyes. It isn't about that, but I feel too shamed to say anymore.

"He's right! Bethany, why would you listen to that shit!" He grabs her by the shoulders. "Damn it I'd risk everything to see you free. I promised..."

"I didn't ask you too, I never asked for it for any of it!" The hurt on Issac's face...

"I would have...I..." His face then contorts to anger. "You ungrateful..." He gives her a hard shake... "BITCH! Everything this family has been through!" He roars.

"Issac..." I take a step forward, and stop.

"I never wanted us to go trough any of it..." She starts to weep, but he does not relinquish his grip.

"You...You have made everything Mother...Father...what they did for us, for you! You have made all of our sacrifices meaningless!" His teeth clench.

"Issac, that's enough..." I move closer.

"I did everything for you...everything...I love you and this is how you repay the family!" He raises a hand, Bethany closes her eyes.

"Issac...ISSAC...FOR THE MAKER'S SAKE STOP!" My hand reaches out covering his fist, and my pulse races. He tries to pull away for a split second, but bows his head and relents. He loosens his hold on Bethany.

"Go then...If I mean so little." He turns from her, he cannot look at either of us.

"Brother please..." She puts a hand on his shoulder and he shrugs it off.

"If you've given up then go. Just go." Bethany leaves with silent tears trailing off of her face. Issac stands perfectly still. I have no words... "Thank you, for stopping me. You call yourself a monster...did you see me back there...what I was going to do...no...I am the monster. It is me undeserving of you, of your love. Bethany...she is all I had left...and look what I did."

"Issac...it was upsetting...you didn't expect that she would feel that way." I try to comfort him, put my arms around his broad chest and hold him tightly. "You were right, you were always right, we need each other. You are no monster love, just a man, a man who has dealt with too much pain in such a short time." I press a kiss to his back.

"I don't need excuses..." He places a hand over my own, entwining our fingers.


	33. Chapter 33

Life around me becomes a world of extremes. As my life has personally become the happiest it has been in years, the life of mages in Kirkwall becomes even more dangerous. Meredith steps in after the death of the Viscount, seizing even more control over the city. Slowly my contacts in the mage underground show up on the end of a hangman noose, or run through in the middle by the so called righteous blade of a Templar.

**How weak we have become, hiding behind a man for safety as our brothers and sisters fall. Is it not our purpose to work towards saving them, to bring forth their emancipation? But you, you keep us back with your selfish desires. **

Stop it...just stop. I am working on the manifesto...the Grand Cleric could still listen.

He hounds me more and more as the rope tightens around the resistance. I don't want to take a more aggressive role, that monster I can become, one without mercy, on that feels no pain, only anger, rage, and the desire for vengeance. That is not me, that is not Justice, but it is who we can become if we slip. As time goes on I my mind strains under the pressure. It must be finished soon...we cannot afford to wait, but it must be perfect, so the Grand Cleric may see our arguments and points in the clearest and most poignant way possible.

"Issac here love. Could you do me a favor? Read over these pages, I want to make sure the section is absolutely perfect." Issac has taken to falling asleep in my study, waiting on me to join him for bed. Tonight he is still awake working on carving a Mabari from a block of wood. He takes the parchment from my hand and gives it a look over.

"Looks good."

"You couldn't have possibly read that!" He turns back to his carving.

"I did so, its good, go with it." Issac shrugs dragging the knife across the wood.

"You did not! Tell me then, what were the five points I outlined for the positive uses for mages in society that does not require their enslavement or subjugation?" Lazy git, he's not fooling me.

"Uh...I'm not even going to try to make up an answer. Fine, I didn't read it, happy." He grunts furrowing a brow as he takes a bit too much off of his carving. "Shit!" He throws the ruined block across the room and crosses his arms.

"That's no way to act, I should be the one whose mad! Don't you care about freedom for mages?" I know he does, but my anger at him shrugging of the manifesto...

"I do! You know that, just leave me alone about it." Issac looks frustrated and turns away. "Just go back to writing, I'm going to bed." He rarely leaves...he usually falls asleep waiting for me.

"What has gotten into you!" He is acting very strange.

"I don't want to talk about it." He grunts in reply.

"This, this has nothing to do with what I'm writing." I realize. "Are you angry that I'm spending so much time on writing? I'm sorry love, but you know how important this is!"

"No, Anders..." Issac sighs heavily. "Don't make fun of me."

"I wouldn't dream of it, what are you even..."

"I can't read it." He says bluntly.

"What do you mean? You can read. I've seen you. Signs, menus, you read all sorts of things! You've even offered to help that beast learn to." I sneer at the thought of him alone with that bloody elf.

"Yes, simple things. I can read simple things. I'm teaching Fenris to read from Ferelden children's books." He won't even look me in the eye.

"I wondered why there was a copy of 'The Mopey Little Mabari' laying about."

"It never was important to me. I learned to fight, I learned to protect."

"You could have just been honest with me. I don't care about that love. I spent much of my time in The Circle reading. It was one of the few leisure activities to be had." Well except for quick trysts...

"I didn't want you to think I was stupid. I mean, I know I'm not the smartest person..."

"Stop selling yourself short love. You are an amazing person." I stroke the stubble on my chin. "How about I read it to you then? It would help me if I read it aloud, you could give me your opinion, and if you have any questions I'll answer them."

"You won't think me an idiot then?" Its endearing how Issac worries, as if I have not shown him time and time again the depth of my love for him.

"Like you said, you were busy learning other important things! You think I could take on five men without my magic?" I grin at him. "You spent your time learning the skills to protect others, it is very admirable."

"My family is gone." He says bluntly and I fear the way the conversation could turn. "All except you, and I'll protect you no matter what." He walks over and kisses my forehead.

…..

"I want you to love me." Issac whispers softly into my ear after we have finally settled in for bed.

"I already love you." I enjoy teasing, I clearly know his meaning.

"You know."

"Oh you want me to 'make' love to you."

"It sounds silly like that." He huffs

"Shall I be more rough instead? You could be all manly and say 'I want you to fuck me.' or something to that extent." I smirk an kiss his red cheek.

"That's not what...besides saying it like that, I don't like it." Issac tightens his arms around my waist. "It sounds like something you do with a stranger, or someone you don't really care about." I can't help but let out a small laugh.

"Its all just semantics love, but whatever you prefer." I run a hand through his blond hair, and his mouth is upon mine kissing me passionately.

…..

I collapse breathless. I can still enjoy such pleasures, it is a miracle. I roll to the side of the bed as Issac sprawls out. With one arm he draws me to his chest. I can't help myself from being curious, and he had told me that we would talk about it later... "Why is it that you always want me to..." I would be thoughtful and use the terminology he likes, "love you, and it is a rarity when its the other way around? I do like it too you know, if that is the issue." Issac squeezes me.

"Shut up and sleep." He yawns.

"I would like to know."

"You always talk too damn much. Can't you just leave things for once? Never mind, I know better than that, you can't."

"I resent that." Even if it is true.

"Everyday people expect everything from me. I am expected to handle things, to be in control of everything. When I'm with you I want to give all of that up and just let you love me." Its...sweet. I did not expect that, I don't know what I expected.

"And the other times?"

"When I want to control things, when I need to control things. Now for the Maker's sake shut up and go to sleep." I can tell he is getting embarrassed.

"Alright love, just know you can talk to me about anything." I kiss his neck, and he returns the gesture with a kiss to my brow.

"I know." He yawns. "I know."


	34. Chapter 34

He dresses as well as he knows how for these things. I know behind his back they will whisper about his Ferelden style, the brown dress shirt that almost matches the color of his Mabari hound, and his hair he spent at least an hour on. They do so as I stand next to his side in my own sorry formal wear that I haven't had the reason to use for years. I can see hands brought up to mouths covering harsh words, eyes darting to and fro from me to him back to their gossip partner. He certainly must be aware of it to some level, but even I have my doubts.

"Issac! Stop that." I nudge his side with an elbow. His mouth is crammed with hors d'oeuvres and he holds several more small pieces of bread and cheese in his fists.

"Ow! What? They are free, and I'm hungry." He stuffs a few more into his mouth. "What are you worried about, they can't kick out the Champion of Kirkwall! Issac laughs and I roll my eyes. Even though it is quite amusing to see the horror on some of the more stuck up guests faces. Issac was constantly being invited events, balls, nobles' parties, and the like. He usually politely declined, until recently. I know something is amiss. He nods to a few nobles who motion for him to come over.

"Anders I need to talk to those two about ummm...fishing...yes they invited me on a fishing trip and I need to finalize the details, nothing you'd be interested in dear. Just get a glass of wine or some of those olives over there...man those are delicious." He began to ramble while walking away.

"Issac, get back here and..." But he already joins the two nobles and they quickly disappear behind a closed door. It is unlike him...

"You don't fool anyone here. One slip up, just one and they'll have you locked away for sure, even make you tranquil." I turn to see a well dressed man in a blue and white Orleasian style top. I force down the voice inside raging to get out, demanding we kill this fool where he stands.

"I don't believe we've met before." I glare, he is unfamiliar yet he knows me, or of me.

"It is known that the healer of Darktown hides behind the Champion as his lover. I'm just saying one should what their step, the Champion cannot protect them forever." He takes a sip of his deep red wine smugly and tries to saunter away, no chance, I grab firmly at the back of his shirt.

"I do hope you didn't think we were finished with our...chat. Do you think anyone in this city would cross the man who saved them from being slaves to the Qun? And you know what I think, I think I should tell Champion Hawke about our little chat here. I think you must have also heard tales of his prowess in battle eh? Have you ever seen him enraged, oh to think of what kind of savagery he'd strike with if something happened to his mage lover!" I draw his face close to mine. " I have seen Issac Hawke beat a man to death with his fists, I have seen him bloody and bruised sink his blade into the Arishok, I have seen him slay demons without breaking a sweat, and all of this without any armor. You tell me you want to trifle with this man, or more importantly..." Blue cracks forth from my eyes for a split second as the voice of Justice echos from my throat. "...**you are going to trifle with me?**" The effect is immediate. The man backs away in wide-eyed horror. I stumble.

Why did you?

Justice and I don't have time to argue as Issac strides towards me. "Tell me what all that was about now." I growl rubbing my temples.

"Sorry. They just wanted to talk to me...you'd bring too much attention."

"What are you even talking about!" I am tired of nobles' parties, I am tired of not getting answers.

"I couldn't tell you right away. That guy was standing behind us." Issac points to the man I had just had the altercation with. "That's Lord Perrington, his brother...his brother is a Templar, and one that supports Meredith hands down."

"That explains a lot." He gives me a puzzled look. "Never mind, but that still doesn't explain what you were.."

"Oh that! Many of the nobles here don't like how Meredith has basically stepped into the hole the Viscount left behind. I figured it would be something to throw my support behind, if they can oust her then it has to at least get better for the mages in Kirkwall."

"A small victory in a large war." He looks disappointed. "But a worthy thing to strive for!" I counter quickly. He smiles pleased with himself.

"That's why I've started going to these things, the more support we have the better, but we have to be careful." I hug him just a slight hug at first and the more I think about what he is trying to do for mages here I squeeze tightly. Issac blushes.

…..

The red hasn't left his cheeks as he raises a sixth or seventh glass of wine to his lips. A Orleasian noblewoman stops by and curtseys. "Champion! It iz such an honor to meet you! My name is Lady Faucheux. Who iz the friend of yours here?"

"Oh that's Anders." Issac says matter of factly. Before I can properly introduce myself she asks another question.

"And what iz hiz relation to you dear Champion?"

"Oh we aren't related at all! Anders is my boyfriend." He grins stupidly hugging me close to his side, as the lady giggles.

"I think the Champion here has a little too much to drink, we were just on our way out..."

"No we weren't!"

"Hush, come on now Issac." I pull him towards the door leaving the lady behind.

….

"We can't! Issac STOP!" He sprints towards the docks.

"Yes, we'll get in a boat and go to the Gallows, I'm the Champion, I'll demand that they let me see Bethany!" His drunken plan isn't very wise.

"Issac come on its late and that is a dangerous and bloody stupid plan!" I yell trying to catch up with him.

"I have to apologize, and nothing is going to stop me!"

"You've sent her at least a dozen letters, and she's even responded! Issac you've apologized, and that was over a year ago at least!" His impulsive nature is trying, but he still carries so much guilt about almost losing his temper and getting violent with his sister.

"I need to in person, if that idiot Knight-Captain tries to stop me I'll bash his curly head in!" Issac stops dead in his tracks and I almost run into him.

"Did you come to your senses or..." He points towards a wooden beam...two nearly identical bodies are hanging, nooses around both of their necks. "Beks..."

"You...you knew one of them?"

"An apostate, he was involved in the Underground...Maker...he only wanted to find his brother...and...this...this other has to be him...and they killed them...they killed them both..."

"Anders...you were right...we should go..." But I cannot move from the spot.

"I have to finish it...the Manifesto...it is the last hope for any kind of..." Justice knows, we know, there is a slim to none change that this can end with anything less than all out warfare.

"Please I...they could be nearby, I have to protect you Anders...This was foolish of me. Please please, let's leave." He tugs at my arm. With one last look I offer a silent prayer for my fallen brethren. I will hide behind him no longer, it is time again to renew my purpose.


	35. Chapter 35

Weeks turn into months as I slave over parchment correcting and perfecting the argument to end all arguments on the treatment of mages. Every piece broken down, critiqued and ultimately made invalid by logic and the truth of freedom. Issac became even more concerned for my well being... especially after long nights of writing the evening meal he brought to my desk would lay cold and untouched in the morning. He never faltered in his watch. Issac must have carved several Mabari out of wood waiting patiently for me before slipping into slumber without me even noticing.

…..

"I think from now on anytime I hear a quill scratching I'll get drowsy." He jokes one morning over breakfast. I eat nothing. Today, it is today. The arguments are ready. I am ready. The food before me holds no appeal, and even Justice feel the uncomfortable nervousness that the task brings.

"I won't be doing anymore manifesto writing love. I think...I'm going to present it to the Grand Cleric." The words sound so small...and Issac's jaw drops.

"Are, are you sure Anders? I mean...how do you know something like that is ready? You sure you want to basically out yourself as an Apostate to the Chantry?"

"I have to do this...everyday more and more mages are killed, abused, and made tranquil! Meredith still holds the city and there isn't even much of a Mage Underground to speak of anymore. Issac there will never be a perfect time...but we...I...can't stand by anymore. They already know about me and it is your prestige that protects me, yet how long will that last?" I hold the anger at bay...not now, we have work to do.

"Do you want me to..."

"No Issac, I don't want it to look like I am hiding behind you. I will be fine I promise." I have no way of knowing that but I want to put his mind at ease.

….

I walk with a fire in my gut I have not felt in ages. I hold the sum of several years of research, sleepless nights, and personal sacrifices. My manifesto, edited, revised, edited again over years. The Chantry looms ahead, Maker...I pray the Grand Cleric is as open-minded and fair as her supporters claim. As I push through the heavy doors I immediately feel the icy stares of Chantry sisters, brothers, and the faithful coming for worship. Some may know me, may know what I am, what I stand for. I used to be naive enough to believe they would not try anything here...but not anymore. The elderly woman stands next to the statue of the blessed Andraste. We feel uneasy taking in the picture. The extraordinary building, the enormous statue. Nothing about it is modest. The riches of the Chantry...we think of it opposed to the refugees of Darktown who barely have two coppers to rub together. I have to clear this injustice from my mind. It is not why we came here.

"Excuse me, Grand Cleric Elthina, if I could have a bit of your time." Her eyes focus on mine and the wrinkles around her lips tighten before relaxing into a false smile.

"Of course my child."

….

Its over...its over...its all bloody over.

**We tried your path. There is only one thing left to do.**

She wouldn't even engage in debate...in anything...she feels for the mages? HA! I bite my lip so hard it bleeds. She dismissed me...a poor misguided boy she said...then rattled off that same old anti-mage Chantry garbage!

**There is only one thing left to do.**

I had everything...logical arguments...emotional appeal...personal examples, she, she wouldn't even...she said she'd look at it, but I bet it's in her bloody dust bin.

**We know what we have to do.**

And then it broke, and I could see everything. Elthina didn't speak out against Meredith in power, just looked as if she could keep the Knight-Commander in place. With Meredith filling in the Viscount's position the Chantry ultimately held power over all Kirkwall. She was the same as all the rest of them. Power hungry, willing to step on the rights of others to do so, and for years I thought I could change her mind, appeal to her sense of human dignity.

** We will destroy them.**

I am tired of fighting this alone. We will set the world aflame, we will cause all mages to either fight or be killed, slow death is no longer an option. I then did know what we had to do. We did not revel in it, our fate was somber and clear. This would be war, this would be the end of an era of oppression but the path would be long and bloody. My heart aches and my head pounds. I tried to prevent this. The Maker knows I tried. If there was any other way...but there can be no peace. As long as the Chantry spreads lies and fear, there can be no peace. And as long as the Chantry trains Templars to subjugate mages, there can be no peace.

I will need him.

I will need him to help us... The realization fills me with weighted dread. Issac…he cannot know what I'm doing...but I will ultimately need him.

**He would stop us.**

I don't want to lie to him...I love him.

**What is more important? We cannot be so selfish as to put one over so many.**

I know...I just...this is going to hurt him.

**We warned him, he knew the dangers, we warned you.**

I sit outside my clinic pondering, fuming, and eventually coming to terms with what must be done. I close my eyes just for a few more minutes. I want to delay going back to him...I have never dreaded seeing his face until now. I rub the dirt between my fingers. He musn't know anything until absolutely necessary. I justify lying to him, it is only to protect Issac, he is the Champion of Kirkwall, to implicate him in such...no I have to keep him in the dark. I curse my cowardice once again before dragging myself back to Hightown, back to Issac.

….

He waits sitting in a chair by the door trying to look like he hadn't been anxiously wondering when I'd return. He carves absently at a block of wood, it might have been a Mabari if he hadn't whittled away most of its features in a fit of nerves.

"Oh Anders, I barely noticed you returned." The way he is so obviously hiding his concern...I smile in spite of my grim mood. "So how did it go?" He tries to remain calm but stands on the toes of his feet awaiting an answer.

"She...she said she'd consider reading it...old fool. She then gave me the same scripted Chantry garbage about just putting my trust in the Maker and somehow that would make everything better." My fist have balled and I notice I am shaking when he throws his arms around me losing his macho act.

"We'll try something else Anders, it will be ok." It won't, and I lean into his embrace, breathing him in. I will hurt him and the thought sickens me.


	36. Chapter 36

And there is an emptiness when it dawns on us. How our hand has been forced, and how in turn we must force the hand of so many others. We can foresee how many lives will be lost, and the chasm in my heart knowing that we must be one of them. I wonder if he will rise from my corpse, free of my mortal bindings and hatreds. And Issac...will such a thing destroy him as well? I told him, I told him! It isn't enough to quell any guilt. He loves me, he loves us for what we are, for what we are capable of. And in the end he will... but there still is a ways to go...materials to gather...

**It will go faster with his help.**

And I shall lie to him?

**He should fight as well.**

No! No! I'm going to be involving him enough as it is...I can't ask him to walk our path...he is too good of a man.

**Then do what is necessary.**

I slam my head against the desk and parchment flies. I have had fewer patients and have used my time in the clinic scrawling calculations and formulas to create a plan for just enough of what I need to...I'll need his help. I'll need it without knowledge of my true intentions. He'll believe me, whatever I tell him, he'll believe me. I love, and hate him for it, the guilt welling up from within making me physically ill. We are a monster, we...wait...Issac, he knows my guilt of corrupting Justice, of becoming...this. It would not be so far fetched to tell him I am spending my time researching, trying to find a way to separate...and that I'd need his help...a potion yes...with bizarre ingredients he'll not question...I'm the mage, he'd blindly trust me on anything to do with magic. I slam my head again hating everything about this, knowing that it all must come to pass.

…

"But...but I thought you were getting him under control... You've seemed fine to me Anders." He looks worried, concern for me that I do not deserve. I want more than anything to just be able to break down. To tell him my true plans...to make him stop me... "Is it dangerous love?" He reaches out to me, his large hands encompassing my own, his thumbs stroke nervously at my palms...I steel myself to remain composed.

"All magic has its risks love, but this has to be done." Part of me wants him to question more, to pry...but he doesn't Issac agrees. He tells I if this is what I really want then he will vow to do whatever it takes to make sure I succeed. And so with just a few words and brief description of materials needed, the first stage of my manipulation of Issac is complete.

"I'll come back in a few hours, maybe see if I can get anyone else to help, I'm sure the less time we all spend in the sewers the better." He kisses me before walking out of the clinic, an unsure expression on his face. If I could tell you my love, if I could...but you'd stop us...I know you would...and somethings are greater than our love...the world has to change.

….

The dark humor is not lost on me when Issac brings Sebastian along. As much as I complained about his company Issac was close to Sebastian, Merrill, and Fenris. I didn't mind the Guard-Captain so much and Varric was a friend to both of us. Even his friendship with Isabela didn't bother me.

"I'm a little surprised that you agreed to come along. It seems like helping me would be something a Chantry puppet like yourself would avoid doing." I say offhandedly as Issac and Merrill descend into the sewers leaving Sebastian and I briefly alone.

"I didn't come here for you Anders. I question what Hawke sees in you, but he is a good friend and he asked me for help." He calmly replies holding my gaze until he climbs down the stairs to the sewer below. Oh how you will help destroy what you love the most, how the blood will stain your hands as well. You don't even know what you do. It is a sick pleasure I take in this knowledge.

"Anders this is your plan, are you coming down here or what?" Issac yells from below.

"I'm coming down as we speak."

….

"I am going to spend at least an entire day soaking in a tub. And then I'm going to roll around in a room full of flowers, anything to get this stench off of me." Issac laughs as we walk back to the clinic. Issac has offered the Manor's bathing facilities to our companions first to thank them for their help. The Chantry boy declined sighting the Chantry had its own facilities. Merrill however raced ahead to take advantage of Issac's offer. "Do you want to join me?" I do, I want to lay against him, wet skin sliding against each other, him holding me in those big arms...I want...

"No, I think I had better get started on this love." We arrive at the clinic and I drop the collected sela petrae on my desk. He looks away disappointed, and my heart aches with guilt. "I'll be home later, I promise Issac."

"You can't do whatever you need to do at home?" A flicker of hope crosses his face, it feels like a punch to the gut to crush it.

"No, there are to many distractions, Chester running amok and Sandal chasing him, not to mention the biggest distraction of all." I place a hand on his bare chest and he blushes. "So you'll see how I have to retreat here to get anything done love." I offer him the excuse with a weak smile. Issac nods clearly disappointed. "I'll need your help tomorrow love, at the Bonepit. Remember I still need the drakestone."

"Oh well at least we can kill two birds with one stone there. I've been asked to investigate the destruction of some mining equipment and the death of some workers. Should be the same old same old Champion kill this monster, or kill these bandits. We can get it out of the way before we start collecting whatever it is you need." He says as if it bores him. "I guess I'll leave you to it then...don't stay here too late ok?" Issac kisses my forehead before he leaves. I say nothing, I don't have the heart to lie to him again today.

…...

He is alive. More alive than I have seen him in months. Rolling to evade snarling jaws, holding his shield tightly to deflect a savage blow from the beasts claws. This is Issac Hawke the warrior. His temper, the anger he holds back everyday manifests in his axe strikes. The dragon is huge, and Issac fights it like it is any enemy. Sebastian stands back in some cover landing arrow after arrow into the beast without much effect. Merrill keeps the dragonlings busy as they futility attempt to bite through her rock armor. I stand near Issac fighting the Dragon when I can but mostly saving my mana for healing. He takes so many hits, and it knocks him about like he is a rag doll, but he always gets up. With each fresh cut, each new bruise, he is invigorated. I cannot help but watch the flexing of his muscles with every blow, the determined grin that never quite leaves his face.

An arrow makes contact with the dragon's eye. It shrieks reverberate throughout the valley causing rocks to fall from the cliff sides. He leaps, scales are footholds as he climbs up higher and higher ascending the dragon's neck as it thrashes wildly. I want to scream at him to be careful, but I am too awestruck by his athletic display. He buries his axe into the skull of the beast. After a few muscle spasms it moves no more as Issac leaps from its head.

"Issac..." I run to him

"I just killed a dragon." His eyes wide blood poring from his nose. "I just killed a dragon...I just killed a bloody dragon!" Issac starts to laugh. "I...I did you see...I killed a dragon! Maker!"

"That was either the bravest thing I have ever seen, or the most idiotic." I heal his wounds lingering a little too long on his hard muscles. He notices his heartbeat never calming.

"Sebastian, you and Merrill go on ahead in the mines...I think I'm hurt pretty bad, Anders is going to need some time to heal me." They nod, and I swear Merrill giggles... As soon as they are out of view his mouth is on mine delivering hard crushing kisses. This is wasting time...I should stop this...the drakestone is what is important now not... My own doubt and the rumblings of Justice cannot overtake the passion of the moment. His rough hands impatient touching me underneath my clothes.

Issac says no words, he only growls against my neck.

It is quick and rough, but I want it I want it all. I fight to keep my head from slamming into the earth with each of his powerful thrusts. I cry out his name over and over, I tell him to take me, he answers gripping my shoulders tightly.

When he spends within me I work myself to completion. It has been so long since we've done this. He rolls off of me arms and legs spread wide face up in the dirt. His chest rises and falls as he catches his breath. I pull up my breeches, and attempt to calm my own rapid breaths.

"Feel better?" I offer him my hand. Issac slowly opens his eyes and tucks himself back into his breeches before taking my extended hand.

"Yes...I...thanks..." He holds his hands behind his head a blush crossing his face. "We, better...get whatever you wanted...can't leave Sebastian and Merrill there alone for too long." He brushes the dirt off my coat.

There won't be many more moments like this.

I kiss his cheek and the blush deepens.

I have to treasure each one I get before the end comes, and that end comes too soon.


	37. Chapter 37

It is only about an hour before dawn and I clutch my chest nervously. There will only be a small window of time. I can slip past when the guard changes, it won't be as difficult as any of my tower escape attempts...but...I think of the friends I've made...the disappointment they will feel...but they cannot possibly understand how trapped I feel. The Wardens, the Wardens were the closest thing I could have to real freedom...and now it has been snatched away. Yes it is fine that they accept a Templar into their ranks...but to have him follow me, hound my every step. His eyes always watching, judging as if I would become an abomination right in front of him. Every mission, every assignment as of late it is Roland at my back, Roland the Templar and he is supposed to be my Grey Warden brother? Elisa would never had stood for it...she wouldn't have...but she is gone and in her stead a new commander seemingly unsympathetic to the plight of mages. The dark conceals my actions, I take little for I need little. I've been on the run with less.

"Anders? What are you doing at this late hour?" It is Justice...in my calculations I had forgotten that Justice does not sleep, Justice is always on patrol. I look into those dead eyes.

"I'm leaving. Simple as that, so if you'd get out of my way..."

"You run again, no doubt this has to do with the Templar Roland." Is his face stern from disapproval or it is always this way from the decomposition... "You think running again will bring about any change. Will they not find you again? Over and over you will suffer under them as so many others do, you choose to run, and that is weakness." His voice booms in my ears and I worry he will alert the entire keep.

"Listen I've never had the kind of freedom I've had with the Wardens and now its gone. So now I'll go." I fight knowing he is right, they will find me again...I cannot just disappear.

"Would you not fight for your freedom? Would you just run from your duty to your fellow mages? You will never be free unless you face this injustice and fight." He reaches for my arm, but it isn't a hard forceful grip. Concern?

"I would, but I can't Justice, don't you see, I am just one man!" I'm frustrated, I'm angry, and I'm tired of running, so tired...

"I could help you. I would have you sit with me, we have much to discuss. After we speak if you still wish to run I will not stand in the way of your cowardice." He motions to a table...what do I have to lose from a conversation...

…..

The images blood, Darkspawn, Templars, limbs strewn about a clearing, flames, and I cry out, I thrash, this I don't realize until I wake. Issac's strong arms pinning me to the bed and he calls my name over and over until I am fully conscious...these dreams...Issac always looks so worried when this happens. He's been concerned about them ever since the Deep Roads.

"Anders...Anders are you ok...can I do anything for you? Do you want to talk about it?" He releases my shoulders now his hand works to stroke my hair. Issac...sweet oblivious Issac...

"I'm fine love, just nightmares again. I'm fine once I wake up and I realize I'm here with you." I smile while hating myself for what the future will hold. He slinks back under the covers and like anytime the nightmares come he wraps his arms around me extra tight as if he could protect me from them...I wish you could love...I wish it could be as easy as that.

…..

He's angry, and it is always a terrifying thing. Issac had bust through the door of my clinic and I barley had enough time to sweep my calculations and ingredients in a desk drawer. His face is red, teeth clenched he breathes heavily and I know he is fighting the urge to violently hurl something against a wall, or smash something with his fist. I have seen him enraged few times, and I remember once I ended up with a broken nose.

"Issac what happened?" Keeping my distance might be the best strategy...

"That bitch! That damn Templar bitch!" He rings his hands a vein bulging from his forehead.

"If you speak of Meredith love I defiantly do not disagree, and we both have known this for a long while...but what has gotten you so worked up?" Issac usually keeps his distance from the Templars knowing that he would not want to affect his sister's treatment in the circle.

"She wanted to speak with me. Wanted me to see her side of things, tried to send me after some 'blood mages' who've escaped."

"What...you're not are you? Meredith sees blood magic everywhere she looks you can't possibly..." He lowers his head. "ISSAC?"

"She...she threatened Bethany...or hinted at it, but I know what she meant...to use her like that to get me to do what they want...GAH." He punches a wall knowing that at least the stone can withstand his blow. "She did say that what I do with them is up to my judgment...but manipulating me like that. I don't like this, not at all. She is lucky I didn't..." Issac punches the wall again his knuckles bleed. I walk over to him and soothe his fist with healing magic.

"You did well keeping composure then. I know that must have been hard for you. Maker if it was me there I'd have to fight Justice to no end. You did what you had to Issac. I'll come with you, we'll see how many 'blood mages' there really are." He takes my hand in his.

"I was worried you'd be angry with me. I don't want to help her in any way...if they ever hurt Bethany, or you...I'd...I'd..." The rage fills his face once more, but I lay my head against his chest hoping to calm him.

"Its alright love, its alright." We all must do what we have to do, Meredith will pay for her crimes soon enough.

…...

Two pushed to the edge...blood magic...they fight back with it and they are wrong and foolish...we will never be able to fight for our freedom if we become the monsters that they say we are. At least one, at least that boy was just an idiot, I doubt he will be on the run long, he doesn't know anything...raised in the tower all he knows is magic, no skills in how to live in the outside world. I recall the first few escape attempts of my own...starving...cold...alone. I wish the boy the best of luck. Issac let him waste precious time being...entertained...by a woman.

"You should have just told him to get out of Kirkwall as soon as he could." I mutter as we travel back to the manor.

"Anders...you saw that kid. This could be his only chance...ever!" Issac grins ear to ear.

"Seriously it could cost precious time..."

"He's never you know, and come on you heard him, the Circle here isn't as...understanding as the one in Ferelden. Besides I'm going to tell Meredith I killed him."

"I just think you felt sorry for him about...that part. You should have felt sorry for him living almost his whole life as a prisoner and slave to the Templars." I grumble.

"I do, but come on Anders! She was willing and he was so...unattractive..."

"You have the weirdest priorities." I wish this was the only thing on my mind, I wish I could continue to playfully argue with him, but my mind darkens and I think on the other two legitimate blood mages...and all the other blood mages we have faced in Kirkwall. The tighter Meredith squeezes the more blood mages come out of the woodwork. The time is coming, and there is one more thing I must ask of my love before the end.


	38. Chapter 38

38

"And without reason, you can't even concoct a lie for me this time?" His blue eyes bore into me, I feel his uneasiness, his anger bubbling just beneath the surface, his fear of unknowing. "I could tell for awhile. That story about separating from Justice and now this. You are so secretive as of late...Anders...let me help you. You know I fully support your cause..." He is pleading desperate to be let in and a part of me wants to open, open up to him about what must be done, tell him every bloody detail...but Issac, he wouldn't understand...he wouldn't understand why such drastic measures are needed. Even though he has fought and killed before, his heart remains naive.

"Your title, your position in the city, I cannot risk putting you in that position love. Just please I need you to distract her." One more thing, just this last task...

"Fine, fine." He grunts slumping down in his chair. "I promised to help Merrill with something."

"Probably having to do with blood magic and that damn mirror."

"You don't have to come!" He sighs knowing good and well that I will, and that I will make my opinion known loudly the entire time.

…...

"You didn't have to be so cruel." Issac drags his toes on the dirt biting his lip. I can see he is holding back on my behalf.

"Well she learned a lesson about blood magic and dealing with demons."

"She lost her Keeper, her whole clan has abandoned her! And they will all say that it is her fault, all of it!" Issac shouts finally letting go of his emotions.

"Well isn't it?" I reply bitterly. Demons, blood magic, things we cannot tolerate, will not tolerate. His eyes narrow and fists clench and for a moment I fear his temper, but that moment passes as his eyes soften.

"Were you this callous before him?" He turns away before I can answer.

…..

He's done his part brilliantly, he even argues with the Grand Cleric about mages using my points, my words roll off his lips albeit pronunciation and syntax a bit off. The last charges are set...soon...soon. Justice, this feeling, fulfillment, fulfillment of purpose. Euphoria...I tell Issac, we bow to him for he has advanced our cause more than he knows. He eyes me oddly but this feeling, soon we will have action, no more shall our movement for freedom lay stagnant. In this brief moment I don't think of the betrayal, the fall, and what will come after. No, now only a contentedness I have never felt before fills my being.

…..

I don't have much time left, this I know for certain. Issac is a man of principle and he will do what is right and we will die, or at least I will die. That is why Justice affords me this one luxury. I purchase them with funds I have scrapped together for clinic supplies. Not many refugees visit me these days. The black robes fit me perfectly. My funeral garb...I wonder if they will even burn my remains...or if they will desecrate my body...not that it matters...no it doesn't.

…..

He didn't take the conversation well, and I don't blame him. We spend our entire lives with literature, songs, poems, and plays telling us love conquers all, that love is the most powerful force in all Thedas, that nothing is more important than love, and this simply is not true. To sacrifice my love, my happiness for others to have the opportunity to live in a world where they will be allowed to love and be loved. He was all worked up having just helped that hateful elf kill his old Master and he comes home to find me trying to give away the only item that really means anything to me, a pillow my mother made me. It was the only thing the Templars let me keep of hers. Varric polity refused the gift...He is unaware of the finality of it all...I wish he would have just taken it...

"You are the most important thing in my life Issac...but somethings matter more than my life. I always said I would break your heart, just know it breaks mine to do so." His jaw drops and he attempts to argue panicked. I am unmoving dying inside as his voice grows weaker and to great sobs. There is nothing that can change our course, nothing can change the action that must be taken. Issac pushes past me muttering that he has to clear his head, but I know he is only going to Hanged Man, to drink himself into a stupor so he can forget how he feels, how I have made him feel.

I follow a short ways behind. I love him, I worry about him, he will be better off without me if this is what I do to him. I stand out of sight as I watch him down pint after pint of amber ale. Some patrons recognize him, how could they not, the man who rid the city of the Qunari, the man who cleaned up the streets from bandits and thugs, the man who had rid hidden cairns of demon allied bloodmages, the man who traipses around Hightown without a shirt. A woman makes his way to him her hand slides up his leg, she leans in and whispers into his ear. The red-head weasels her way on to his lap and Issac does nothing but stare into his drink. I cannot even work up the energy to feel enraged as I should. What does this matter if tomorrow I am to die? Yet I cannot fight the pang in my chest as this stranger tries to wrap her arms around my Issac.

I have to leave I don't want to watch this... but there is a thud and a commotion. The woman lies unceremoniously on the floor. Issac standing over her. "I'm sorry but I said I was taken." She grimaces pride wounded and my heart leaps unexpectedly. In some ways it would have been easier if he could just forget me, to lose himself to booze and women, but as I watch him throw some gold on the bar I realize that neither one of us really wants that at all.

…...

We make love that night. He never looks away. In between the heat, the sweat, and the friction of our bodies coming together he says, "Tell me you love me." I tell him over and over until we both reach completion and lay next to each other catching our breaths. "I'm losing you." He whispers as he pulls me close. It is true, more than he knows.


	39. Chapter 39

39

Everything is bathed in the red glow, and we are all but spectators as the Chantry is reduced to ashes in mere seconds. All the planning all the lies...it is time to make the world change forcefully. There is yelling, arguing and Fenris leaves Issac's side. I assumed as much would happen. Gone is any trace that mirth ever crossed my loves face for all that is written upon it is horror and anger. The end comes. We don't regret this, we did what we had to do...I just wish that he had stayed away...heeded my warnings. And now he will take the final Justice into his own hands. Our blood spilled for what we have done. We await his approach when the cries of dying Templars cease. The heavy foot steeps and the familiar shadow of the large warrior. I hear his ragged breaths and I know he wants to know why...The Chantry puppet calls for my death. Strike me Issac...my love...you know you must...There is a feral growl...but nor directed at me as I suspected...Issac...

"You will not touch him do you hear me! If you harm him I will rip your head clean from your spine." Sebastian takes a step back. The prince makes a wise decision and declines to engage Issac in combat. He swears to return and kill me but I care not. It is the pain in Issac's eyes I feel. I have no love for Sebastian or what he stands for in defending the Chanty's systematic oppression...but Issac had an odd fondness for the man I didn't understand. I remember Sebastian taught him the basics of archery and Issac took up hunting in the countryside with his dog Chester for sport...Here on this spot as the world crumbles around me the most vivid thing in my mind is the memory of Issac grinning ear to ear holding a pheasant in each hand. I am nauseated with the feeling that he may never smile like that again...I wish to know no more...I silently beg of him to end this... "Get up." It is a simple command and a hand offered...

"You want me to...?" I don't understand him...this...he is supposed to be the one who kills me, to absolve himself from my crimes, to let me face the Justice I deserve for the deaths of so many others. Instead his gaze is hard as steel and his jaw set firm.

"I want you to fight dammit. You started this war now you fight in it!" Perhaps I was meant to find death some other day...our work may not yet be done.

"You want me to fight...Damn right I will." I take his hand but it is not a warm gesture as he swiftly pulls me up to my feet and lets go.

"Now let's go." He hisses making clear he is none to pleased with what has transpired this day. I doubt anyone is...I didn't want this to happen, but it had to happen...I tried love...I tried to give them every chance to listen, to change but they ignored and aided in our pain and our suffering for too long.

…..

"You shouldn't stay with me...we will be hunted...hated everywhere we go." His last warning...

"I will stay with you." he offers me no emotion, and I deserve to feel his wrath, his anger, but instead he leaves me with a sad and empty feeling in my heart. Does he still love me? How can he still love me after...what does that even matter...all that matters is the events that will unfold from this point forward...but I still hold on to the human emotions Justice wanted me rid of long ago...

….

Fenris is too blind to stop...If he would just see how the mages here have been treated...a few words from Issac I know could sway him...but it is too late and Issac is too stubborn...These two had been friends...close...and I know I saw something pass between them after Issac had slain the Arishok. In the carnage before me I see the truth...I am a monster for twisting and corrupting Justice, Fenris is a monster letting his hate control his actions, and Issac is a monster of my own making as rage fills his eyes and his nostrils flare. He does this to protect me...to save me...and I am worth nothing. Steel strikes steel as the two warriors come to blows. I don't want this...Issac takes the hilt of Fenris' great-sword to his face...I never wanted him to have to...Issac bashes the elf with his shield knocking him off balance...I want this to stop...Issac's axe sinks into Fenris' leg and the elf retaliates with a savage blow to Issac's arm. Issac is able to block it but it leaves him open for Fenris to use a free hand to punch him hard in the face. The blood streaming down from his face emboldens Issac's rage and he rams into Fenris head first. They tussle on the ground and I am motionless, to afraid to step in...to do anything but watch...Issac has the axe...don't...I hear the loud thunk as it finds its mark in the chest of the elf...Issac stands.

….

He speaks little once we flee Kirkwall. A few directions for the other members of our crew but nothing to me...He should have ended it...he should have...then he wouldn't have had me to protect he wouldn't have killed...Bethany had fled with us and she puts an uneasy arm around her brother...at least he will have family...maybe one day he may smile again.

He judges we are far enough away to get a short rest, a fire is conjured by either Bethany or Merrill...but my eyes don't leave him. Issac turns his back and lays down. I have ruined him, of this I am sure.

….

The fire is but small embers left casting what glow they can on my companions. They stayed true to him...Varric, Merrill, Isabela, Bethany, Aveline and her husband Donnic. They all sleep uneasy as I rise from the spot where I had been sitting and observing. The cliffs on the wounded coast...how the breeze blows my hair out of place...I tuck the strand back behind my ear and think of a happier time I spent with Issac around a similar campfire where we both bumbled with our emotions like fools...we were such fools. I approach the cliff side and look down at the waves crashing into the rocks below...I think of all these things that we've...no...I've done...and I wonder one last time if I should take the leap.


End file.
